Fifty Shades of Grief and Comfort
by imtrying
Summary: Anastasia Steele lost her parents Ray and Carla when she was almost 18 years old. She has struggled with her grief and is afraid to get close to anyone for fear that she may experience that same grief again. Now 21, she is working at a bookstore in Portland whilst she comes to the end of her degree. This all changes one day when she runs into a beautiful stranger.
1. Chapter one: Memories

A/N: Please note I'm a newbie to this site and to writing! I had an idea and just went with it.

x I'll always keep trying.

_(All due rights to EL James for the original story and characters)_

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**Chapter one: memories**

Working in the bookstore was more a hobby for me than a job. I loved talking to people about what they loved to read, and their reasons for doing so. I liked expressing my views on the latest books, but mostly I enjoyed talking to them just so I could forget about my own self and how lonely my existence was. Looking to the door, I noticed an older looking man walk in with a teenage girl. She couldn't have been more than fourteen or fifteen, and she seemed extra excited. I couldn't help but smile at her as she laughed.

"Another book dad?" she asked.

"Why break with tradition eh?" He said as she jumped up and down with the biggest smile on her face. "Happy birthday sweetheart," I could see her eyes light up as she jumped to give her dad a hug. I felt the tears start to cover my eyes as my heart started pounding in my chest. It was such a simple gesture, a sweet moment that I couldn't stop the memory that had entered my mind. I always remembered the mornings on my birthdays. Up until the age of eighteen, I would always wake up and find my parents waiting for me in the kitchen. My mom would make pancakes which I would eat with bacon whilst my stepdad sat by the kitchen table.

_"Hi daddy" I said as I went to hug him._

_"Hi my girl," he said as he put my arms around me. "Happy birthday"_

_"Thanks daddy, have you eaten?"_

_"Nope, waiting for you," he said as he smiled. I returned the smile before saying hello to my mom._

_"Happy birthday sweet girl" she said as she put the pancakes on to the plates and laid the bacon on top. She poured coffee for herself and Ray before giving me a glass of orange juice. My friends found it weird that I was closer to Ray than my mom Carla. My birth father had passed away before I was born so Ray was the only dad I had ever known. I wouldn't change it for the world._

I quickly wiped my tears as I watched the father and daughter drift through the shop. Thinking back to my birthdays, I realised how content I seemed from such a simple act. My parents may not have been the richest people by any means, but they gave me everything I could have ever needed, and I was happy. And they were happy too. Mom worked as a waitress for a few hours a week whilst Ray worked as a craftsman making high quality furniture. He had started his own business after his retirement as a marine. I used to sit for hours watching Ray take something simple and make it beautiful. The construction of a cabinet wasn't just the joining of the pieces of wood; Ray would spend hours carving intricate patterns into the wood to give it character.

Some days, like today, I was reminded of them and the pain that followed when they were taken from me. It has been six years since they died. I can remember everything about the day they told me my parents had died. I was eighteen, and was on my way home from my graduation. The day hadn't been particularly interesting, but I was glad to come home even so. I had left my parents to go while I stayed behind with a few friends for dinner. Walking up to my house that evening, I noticed the police car parked on the road, and one in the driveway to my house. I could feel my heart sinking with every step that I was taking to that house and I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep going to see what had happened, or run away so that the news could never reach my ears. Before I knew it, I had walked up to the door and opened it. I walked in and went straight to the lounge to find a policeman and two detectives standing there. The female detective looked up immediately when she realised who I was and signalled for the policeman to leave the room. He looked at me with a sympathetic look and walked out. I looked to the detective whose eyes had turned watery as she tried to get the words out.

_"Where are my mom and dad?" I asked._

_She looked at me as she struggled with her words. "Hi Anastasia. My name is Detective Joanna Morris, and this is Detective Jones. Why don't we take a seat?" She gestured for me to sit next to her._

_"Please just tell me, where are they?" I could feel my heart beat faster and faster, my head feeling heavier. "WHERE?!" I said when she didn't respond._

_"After they left your graduation, your mom and dad went to the restaurant where she worked for dinner. On the way back they were involved in an accident. I'm so sorry honey... erm… they didn't make it."_

_I could see her utter the words, I saw her lips moving yet somehow the words she said didn't make any sense to me. My legs gave way and I collapsed in a heap on the floor. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and struggled to take in enough air to breathe. I could feel my heart aching as the tears started to roll down my cheeks and the sobs escaped from my lips._

_"NO!" I shouted. "NO they can't… they're at work… they'll be back, they have to come back! Please!" I completely fell apart. I felt the lady's arms around my shoulders as she rocked me back and forth. I held on to her as tight as I could. I don't know how long I sat there and cried but I didn't ever want to cry like that again._

My parents had died in a car accident on their way back home. A drunk driver had taken to the wheel and not noticed the red light. By the time he had seen it, it was too late and his car crashed into Ray's, killing both the drunk driver and my parents. I had lost my family.

I don't remember how long it was until their funerals took place. Ray had included funeral arrangements in his will so I didn't have to do anything. They had left everything to me whilst arranging for the business to be sold for me so that I could have a decent college fund. I had always wanted to go to college, and it gave me comfort knowing that in some way, my parents would still be looking after me through my college years even though they weren't there themselves.

As I looked at the girl with her father, I couldn't help but feel envious of her, feel jealous. I so wanted to be that girl, to be transported back to my last birthday where we sat at the table eating breakfast. Following their death, I stayed with my friend Jose and his family. They were wonderful to me but I lost interest in everything. I started to drift away from what little friends I had, always looking to books for comfort. People would speak to me and I would respond with little effort or interest. I would spend hours in my room just reading to escape into a different world.

"Excuse me, could we please buy this book?" the daughter said to me, bringing me back to the present. By this point I was visibly upset and struggling to contain my emotions.

"Of course" I whispered, knowing that I couldn't speak without my voice wavering. She looked at me with concern as her father joined her. They could see the pain in my face and asked if I was alright.

"Are you ok miss?" the dad said to me. "Perhaps we should call someone else."

"No no, it's fine." I replied, trying to stop the fresh set of tears that had suddenly found their way to my lips. "I'm so sorry, happy birthday to you. What's your name?"

"Lucy, it's my fifteenth birthday today. I get different presents every year but dad always buys me a book. It's kinda tradition. My little sister gets puzzles. Are you sure you're ok? I mean I know you're upset, is there anything we can do?" she asked as she looked to her dad who nodded in agreement. It was no use trying to serve them now, I was too close to falling apart.

"I'm fine, if you'll excuse me, I'll just get my colleague to serve you." I started to walk away from her to find my boss Jerry and tell him I was going to leave. He took one look at me and agreed. I walked back past the girl and her father who looked at me with a small smile. "You're very lucky to have such a wonderful father" I told her and hurriedly walked out the shop. I didn't want them to see me cry, I hadn't let anyone see me cry and I knew I was close. Before I could make a run for it though, I ran into man who caught me by the waist before I had a chance to stumble on to the pavement.

"Woah, are you ok?" he said. He held me tight against himself as my hand rested on his chest. I looked up to find myself staring into the most startling grey eyes I had ever seen. His face was equally as gorgeous, as was his coppery hair. I don't think I had ever seen someone so beautiful as him.

He looked at me and then at my hands with an expression I couldn't quite understand before his gaze returned to my face. I couldn't will myself to stop looking into his eyes. He lifted one hand to wipe the tears from my cheek as he held me tighter still. I don't know how or why, but I lost all sense of myself. The way he was holding me made me feel safe, and for one small moment, just one moment, I forgot why I was running.

"Breathe" he said as he continued to look into my eyes.

"I'm sorry" I whispered as I let go of the breath I didn't realise I was holding.

"What for?" he replied, as his fingers made their way down to my lips. "Your lips are so soft". The softness of his voice sent shivers down my spine. The kindness and concern that was showing on his face tipped me over the edge.

"I'm sorry" I said as I started to sob. I broke away from his embrace and ran away from him. I could hear him shouting after me, telling me to wait but I couldn't. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I wanted someone to comfort me and tell me that this feeling would go away, that I wouldn't encounter people who evoked these memories. Mostly, I just wanted someone to tell me that this wasn't real, that my parents were still here. I didn't want to be alone anymore.


	2. Chapter two: What are friends for?

Thanks for the feedback guys, you make me want to write more!

I'll update as often as I can

x I'mtrying

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**Chapter Two: What are friends for?**

I lay in my bed clutching my pillow as close to me as I could. I could feel the tiredness creep in and all I wanted to do was drift off into a peaceful sleep. I don't know how long I was lying there before I heard Kate enter the room.

"Oh Ana…" she said. The bed behind me dipped and I could feel her climbing in next to me. She didn't say anything, which I was grateful for. I was glad she was there.

Kate and I had met during our first year of university. We were both studying English Literature, and whilst I am the quiet type who shies away from large groups, Kate naturally holds the attention of everyone in the room. She is strong, articulate and extremely bashful. She speaks her mind and is not afraid to go for what she wants, which is why she will make an excellent journalist. She will work for her father's company once she graduates.

"Wanna talk about it?" she asked after some time.

"No" I responded. In all honesty, I didn't know what to say to her. Kate has been there for me for the past three years. She knows what happened to my parents and whilst she thinks I have not grieved properly, she has never pushed me to do more than I can bare.

"Ok. Want me to stay here?"

"Yes please."

"You know I'm here for you right?"

"Yeah I do. Thank you." More time passed and I found myself calming down. The grip on the pillow eased and I moved to lie on my back to stare at the ceiling alongside Kate. "I saw a guy walk into the bookstore today with his daughter. It was her birthday." Kate didn't say anything so I continued. "She was so happy and you could tell that he loved her. It just took me back. I haven't broken down like that before and I can't believe I did it at work. I mean it's been three years!"

Kate didn't respond straight away, she just listened. When she realised that I wasn't going to say any more, she turned her head to look at me. "Ana, it might have been three years but I don't think you ever really dealt with your grief. I know you don't like me saying that but you started university so soon after they died. You moved from your house in Montesano to Jose's before moving out here in Portland. You weren't surrounded by memories of them by staying in the house and honestly, I think you blocked it out. When I met you, you were so quiet, so withdrawn and to some extent you still are. It's taken me three years just to get to know you this much because you shut people out as much as you hold your memories back."

I knew Kate was right but I didn't know how to deal with how I felt. Kate for her part did everything she could to get me to open up more over the years, and I was grateful for that. Between her and Jose, who was studying engineering at the university, they had encouraged me to take part in different classes so I didn't retreat into myself. Ray had taught me self defense whilst I was growing up so I was more than happy to continue with that at university. Me and Kate went to Krav Maga classes together every week. With the help of Jose, who bought me a sewing machine, I started making my own clothes as a way of releasing some creative energy as well as saving money. If nothing else, it kept Kate happy because she was often the recipient of my creations.

"I know I don't open myself up to much."

Kate scoffed. "Much? Ana you go to Krav Maga, work and university. You know me and Jose and that's it, except for Jerry at the bookstore who doesn't count." I laughed in spite of myself. "You sew and read books, you're a hermit! I know you don't date and drink and go clubbing but you don't do anything outside of your routine. I just want you to have some fun!"

"Like you, you mean?"

"No, not quite like me" Kate said as she laughed. "I go out to clubs because I like the music, I lose myself in it the way you do in your books. I know I don't have the cleanest reputation when it comes to guys…"

It was my turn to scoff at her words .

"…Hey!" she said as we both laughed "I know, but I do what works for me, and I'm living. You are just being, Ana. I mean look at you, you're 21 years old. You're beautiful, kind, smart, and can seriously kick ass! Just promise me you'll come out of your shell a little more ok? I mean come out with me one night, you'll be surprised how much you like it."

I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that. I hesitated until I eventually responded to her.

"I don't know Kate."

"Come on Ana! I'll be with you the whole time. We don't have to speak to anyone else if you don't want to, I mean you can just dance with me."

"Yeah, until you see the most gorgeous guy you have ever laid eyes on!" Kate had always carried herself with confidence. She was beautiful with her strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes and with her flirtatious attitude even during classes, she had most guys eating out of the palm of her hand.

"Hey, would I ditch you for a hot guy?"

"Yes!" we both said together before we started laughing. As soon as she said that my mind drifted to the gorgeous stranger who had caught me outside the bookstore. I remembered the way he held me close to him and looked into my eyes, searching for the real me that I had hidden away somewhere. I remembered the way his fingers brushed over my lips and couldn't help the pink colour that rose to my cheeks as I started to blush.

"Hey, why are you blushing?" Kate said. "Ana? Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No" I said, all too quickly. She wasn't convinced as she raised her eyebrow looking at me, willing me to speak.

"Spill it Steele I can tell when you're lying."

"Erm, well when I ran out of the bookstore today I kinda bumped into a guy."

Kate's eyes widened with surprise before she jumped up to her knees and started to squeal. "Oh my gosh Ana and you weren't going to tell me! What was he like, was he hot?"

As if on cue, my cheeks blushed an even darker shade of pink. "I…er…you know…Kate he um…"

"He was! You liked him!"

"Kate! Stop please!" I said, laughing at the same time.

"What was he like, what happened?" If there was one thing I knew about Kate, it was that she would keep asking me until she was satisfied with the answer.

"Well, I was so upset I didn't really look at where I was going. I sort of just fell into him and he grabbed me by the waist to stop me from falling. He saw that I was crying and wiped my tears before I completely broke down and ran away."

"So you just left him standing there?"

"Yep, pretty much."

"And you don't know anything about him?"

"Nope, nothing"

"And you thought he was hot?" I groaned as I hid my face behind the pillow that was now covering my face.

"Ok fine, he was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen."

"Ana!" she shouted as she grabbed the pillow from me.

"Kate don't, I was upset and wasn't exactly thinking about asking the first guy I saw for his name let alone his number."

"I know. I just can't believe that after three years I finally got you to admit you think someone is hot!" I giggled.

"Yeah well, it was probably just a result of my heightened emotional state. Anyway, don't you have an interview to prepare for tomorrow? What time do you have to be in Seattle?"

"11:30, I've finished all the prep for it. The guy is seriously a genius, he's a freaking billionaire but he's so strict about his privacy, I could barely find out anything about him from my research."

"Well if there's one person who can get him to 'spill it', it's definitely you" I told her. It was true, I suddenly felt sorry for the guy who would be on the receiving end of the Kavanagh inquisition. Kate had been pestering the guy for a solid six months before he finally gave in and agreed to the interview. Since it would be her last article for the uni paper, she wanted to go out with a bang.

"Thank you" she said, sticking her tongue out at me. And just like that, Kate had brought me back from my self-pitying state. "Hey why don't you come with me? It'll be fun, in the car. The interview won't be for too long, you can just wait for me in a café then we can go check out our new place before going shopping."

I groaned at the idea of shopping, Kate did enough for us both. "Thanks but I have work tomorrow anyway. I need to explain to Jerry why I ran away so abruptly."

"He'll understand, you've never taken a day off in the three years you've worked there, come on just once, listen to me" she said as she wiggled her eyebrows at me. I wondered whether she was right in saying I don't venture out of my normal routine. The more I thought, I realised she was right. She was still looking at me after a few seconds, waiting for me to respond.

"Fine" I said whilst laughing. "I'll call Jerry in the morning to see what he says. I'm not promising anything though."

"Yes! That's all I ask. Ok I'm gonna go get something to eat, have you had dinner?" she moved off the bed and made her way to the door.

"No not yet, what you gonna have?"

"I don't know, what you gonna cook?" she said with a grin on her face. I laughed at her as she walked away.

"Alright, let me just clean my face, I'll be right out."

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I looked over to my clock as I convinced my eyes to open. 7am and I could hear my phone buzzing. Who on earth would call me at this time? I lazily moved to get my phone off the cabinet and looked at the caller ID.

"Jerry, hi." I said, my voice still thick from sleep.

"Hi Ana, I just wanted to check in with you today, I haven't seen you like that before." He explained. Jerry is an older man in his 60's who owns the bookstore with his wife. He is a mild-mannered, very friendly and straightforward guy. In the three years I have known him, he has let me get on with work. He would often talk to me about his love for all things written, as well as his hobbies and the things he enjoys doing with his grandchildren. I haven't told him much about myself though he knows about my parents.

"I'm so sorry about that Jerry, I didn't mean to just leave you like that."

"It's ok Ana, I didn't call to get an apology from you, I just wanted to tell you to take a few days off." This surprised me, and the random "Huh?" that came out of my mouth didn't escape his notice. He laughed.

"I spoke to the customers that you left, they explained what they had said to you and I thought your reaction might have had something to do with that."

I went very quiet. "Yeah it did." I said softly.

"That's ok, honestly take a few days off, you've been an excellent employee since you started here, I think you deserve a break."

"Wow Jerry, thanks. Are you sure?"

"Absolutely, It's Thursday now so why don't you take the weekend too and I'll see you Monday?"

"Um ok. Bye" He said goodbye and I realised I was wide awake. I had a shower before I went into the kitchen to have a cup of tea. By 8 o'clock, Kate had joined me too a few minutes later. She had dressed in a smart grey suit, whilst I was wearing fitted jeans with long boots, a plain white shirt and a black blazer. We finally left the house at 8.15, as Kate had to be at the building by 11:30 for a tour before the interview began at 12:00.

The drive up was fun, as we listened to music and talked about our plans for after graduation. Kate already knew that she would work with her family at Kavanagh Media. Me on the other hand, I still had no job lined up. I had applied to three publishing houses in Seattle, and was yet to hear from them. My last day at the bookstore would be next week on the Wednesday as I wanted to concentrate on my finals the following week before we moved place.

Kate pulled into the car park and parked the car at 11:15. I would have a good two hours to myself before she finished, so she told me to have a proper breakfast before I went for a walk. We said our goodbyes and I found myself wandering down the street before I came across a little café and I walked in. I didn't feel very hungry so I ordered myself a cup of tea with a blueberry muffin and sat down in one of the chairs near the window. It was not long before I got a text from Kate.

*I think the guy likes blondes, all the women are blonde*

*You should fit right in then* I texted back.

*They're all immaculately dressed and super polite*

*Polite? Maybe you won't fit in after all*

*Ha ha. Seriously, I've passed 10 clones in 5 minutes.* I smiled at her response.

*Shouldn't you be on your tour?*

*I am. I'm hoping they'll take me to the factory where he orders his clones.*

I giggled at her response. I didn't have a chance to respond as I felt a man stand next to me.

"Is this seat taken?" he said. I turned to look up and saw the grey-eyed man staring at me with an amused expression on his face. I was dumbstruck. I blinked a couple of times, still looking up at him to see if it was actually him. I realised after a few seconds that I was yet to give him an answer.

"Erm…er" I stuttered as I looked away. "Sure". This man, the man that had caught me the day before was staring directly at me and I felt myself blush under his intense gaze. He was sat directly opposite me and I knew then that I wouldn't be able to run away this time. What scared me more though, was that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to.


	3. Chapter three: Introductions

Thanks for all the reviews and feedback.

Hope you like this one.

x I'mtrying

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**Chapter three: Introductions**

"Would you like anything else to eat?" he said, looking at the tea and muffin that was in front of me.

"Oh no thank you" I replied. I could feel how nervous I was and I didn't know how to stop it. I avoided making eye contact with him. The way he looked into my eyes yesterday as he held me made me feel exposed, as if he could see through all the walls I had been constructing through the years. He had seen me at my worst and that feeling of vulnerability scared me.

"I'm going to get something, I'll be right back". He walked away to get himself a coffee and what looked like a blueberry muffin. I took my chance to stare at him, albeit it from behind as he waited for his food. He was tall, and built and had the softest looking hair I had seen. His coppery locks were neither curly nor straight, but long enough to run your fingers through them. The suit he was wearing was a dark shade of grey, and it was tailored to highlight his frame. His shoulders were broad and built, no doubt the result of hours of labour, and were in contrast to the narrowing of his lower back. The way he walked signified confidence and dominance over all that he encountered, and the quality of his clothes screamed wealth. I couldn't stop staring at him. He turned around just at the moment I was looking at his lower back to leave me staring at his waist and I started to blush. I looked up to his face and saw him trying to hide the smirk that was threatening to form. He was unsuccessful and finally looked at me with a huge grin on his face. I gasped at the sight of his smile, he was definitely the hottest guy I had ever seen.

I felt myself shrinking into my seat when he came to the table and looked away. I bit my lip to stop myself from squirming. I didn't look up again until he was firmly seated in the chair and saw that his expression had darkened. His eyes were a darker shade of grey and I shifted in my seat to try and quell some of the tension that built in my lower stomach. I wasn't entirely successful.

"Relax, I won't bite." He said with a hint of a smirk on his face.

"Sorry" I said. _Another sorry_ I thought. It was as if all the words I knew had disappeared and my vocabulary consisted of that one word.

"There's that word again" he said, as if reading my thoughts. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." He looked at me and I could tell he was sincere. He took a sip of his coffee at the same time I took a sip of my tea.

"Even though I ran into you yesterday?" I retorted. He laughed. The tone of his voice was hypnotic. I could listen to it all day.

"That was the best part." He murmured as he tried to hold me gaze, suddenly very serious. I wanted to tell him it was good for me too, better than good. That the way he held me and spoke to me gave me the most comfort I had felt in three years. He finally looked away and I watched as his fingers gracefully broke a piece of the muffin and moved to his lips. He ate the bite and licked the tip of his finger to catch a crumb. He seemed to notice the blush that crept up my cheeks as I remembered the way those same fingers were caressing my lips only yesterday.

"I would love to know what you're thinking right now. You have the most lovely colour in your cheeks." I blushed further as my cheeks turned red. I wasn't used to any attention, and if I did receive it, I had never been one to notice. I was finding it hard to concentrate on anything if I looked at him. If our eyes were to lock if we exchanged gazes, I knew I wouldn't be able to say a single word to him, so I looked down at my hands that were resting in my lap.

"Thank you for yesterday." I said, ignoring his comment. I risked a glance at him and he looked at me in surprise, willing me to continue. I did my best to avoid looking him directly in the eye. "For catching me…"I explained, "I wasn't in the best frame of mind as you no doubt saw. I'm not usually like that."

"What are you usually like?" he asked. That question caught me by surprise though I was grateful that he didn't ask me why I was crying. I didn't know how to tell him that even though I wasn't usually an emotional wreck, what was becoming increasingly apparent was that I had spent the last three years as a living zombie.

"A totally introverted bookworm" I said finally. "Other than the dramatics of yesterday, I'm pretty much the most boring girl you'll ever meet."

I saw the expression on his face change from one of amusement to anger. He looked at me for a few seconds as he took a deep breath and I could tell he was thinking something. All of a sudden his gaze darkened again as he moved his hand towards my face.

"Don't bite your lip" he whispered as his thumb found my lip and released it from the grip of my teeth. I didn't even realise I was biting it. I gasped as a spark ran through me at the contact, and found myself looking directly into his eyes. "You fascinate me." He said as his thumb began to move back and forth across my bottom lip.

"You don't know me." I said, almost breathlessly.

"You want to look at me yet won't look me in the eye if you can avoid it" he said. As if on cue, I tried to look away.

"Don't". His voice was soft yet commanding and firm and I obeyed immediately as I looked back into his eyes. "You blushed when I complimented you which means you either aren't used to receiving compliments or you don't believe them to be true. You have the softest skin and the softest lips I have ever felt. You apologise for running into me and even though you're embarrassed at the fact that I saw you crying, I'm glad I was able to see you because you expressed more in those few seconds than you are now. I know you are holding yourself back right now."

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know how he could so easily know things about me that I believed I hid so well. Even worse than this, I liked that he knew this and this caused a little panic to rise in me as I felt my carefully constructed walls of self-containment begin to crack. I moved back to escape from his gaze and his touch and he reluctantly let me go.

"So are you following me?" He asked, with an amused expression on his face. I snapped out of my daze and looked at him in confusion. I was struggling to keep up with his quick mood changes.

"You ran into me yesterday and now I find you sitting in a café as I go to work" he explained.

"No I'm not, I'm waiting for a friend who has an interview down the street. Where do you work?" I asked, hoping to turn the attention away from me. I thought I saw a look of disbelief cross his face before he controlled his expression.

"I work not too far from here." He finished his sentence just as his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He looked annoyed but answered it anyway. "Two minutes Taylor" was all he said before hanging up. The harshness of his tone startled me. My mind started to wonder who Taylor could be. Perhaps it was his girlfriend or wife, or boyfriend. No it couldn't be. And then it occurred to me.

"Why were you in Portland?"

"Business" he said, nonchalantly. "Forgive me my rudeness but I must go. It was lovely to see you again…" he waited for me to say my name as he stood up. I doubted whether I wanted to give it to him. He held out his hand and I placed it in his immediately, like I had done it for years.

"Anastasia" I whispered, as the warmth of his hand coated my own.

"Anastasia" he repeated my name, as if it were a melody to be sung. I don't know why I gave my full name because I have never liked it, but the way it sounded in his voice, I wouldn't want him to call me anything else.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Anastasia" he said as he lifted my hand to his lips and planted the softest kiss on it. I looked to see him with an impassive look on his face, as if he was concealing a secret that only he was privy to.

"You too" I said, forgetting all at once that I was no closer to knowing who this man was today than I was yesterday.

"I'll see you soon" he replied. And I could tell he meant it. He looked at me for a second longer before walking away.

I sat there thinking over what had just happened. I looked to the clock and saw that it was 11:50. I had been sitting with him for 15 minutes. Ten more minutes and Kate would be in the interview. I looked out the window to see the man walking to his car and remembered that I did not know his name. Before my brain could catch up with my body, I found myself running out of the café in the direction of the car.

"Wait!" I shouted just as he closed the door. He opened the door again and stepped out when he saw me running to him. I stopped just a foot away from him and looked up at him.

"It's too personal" I said.

"What is?" he asked, clearly unsure about what I was referring to.

"Looking into your eyes? It's too personal. I feel like you can see right through me and it frightens me." I looked down again, fiddling with my hands as I realised that I just told him something I don't tell anyone else.

He inched closer to me until I could feel the heat radiating from his body as it barely touched mine. He moved his right hand to cup my face, forcing me to look upwards and directly into his eyes whilst his left hand moved to the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. My hands lifted of their own accord, resting on his chest. He flinched slightly at the contact before relaxing. I couldn't concentrate, with the effect of his piercing eyes, my body pressed against his, and his hands on me all knocking the thoughts out of my brain. He looked like he was having an internal battle with his thoughts when he finally spoke.

"I like seeing you."

I gasped at his revelation, whilst he looked confused that he had actually said those words and meant them. He lowered his head slowly, not breaking his gaze away from mine. I could feel my eyes closing the closer he got, unable to move away. I felt his lips brush against my cheek where he planted a soft kiss before he moved back to look at me, still holding me firm against him. I don't know why I felt disappointed at him not kissing me, I didn't even know the guy. But there was that feeling again, of feeling safe and content. I wanted to be here, and I realised in that moment that I wasn't merely _beginning_ to like him, I was past that. I wanted to know him. And as before, where I felt scared at the thought of not wanting to run away from him, I felt the same panic at wanting to know him, and him to know me.

"Christian" he said, as if he knew all along that I would run after him to learn his name. "My name is Christian". I smiled at him and he returned the smile.

"I have to go." He let his knuckles run over the cheek where he kissed me. I felt slightly dejected at his words and felt empty as he let me go.

"Now who's holding back?" I said as he moved to get into the car. He turned and raised his eyebrow at me as I elaborated. "You're not going to tell me how I can contact you?" I was surprised at myself and my newfound confidence.

He paused for a moment before replying. He looked to be having an internal debate, so intense that for a moment I thought I had said or done something wrong. And then it occurred to me that perhaps this man, Christian, didn't really want to know me. He had just been in the right place at the right time and was now trying to find a way to tell me.

"It's ok" I said. He looked at me, as if my words had brought him back from wherever his mind had drifted to. "You don't have to, I understand".

And with that, I looked down at my hands and started to turn away. I was confused, why did I want him to want me? I have closed myself off for years and it has never bothered me that people may or may not like me. I should have felt happy that Christian wasn't going to get too close. I never let anyone in, and I never wanted them to, but I found myself strangely drawn to Christian. Before I could start to walk, I felt a hand grab my wrist and spin me around against a hard torso. The movement surprised me.

"You will _not_ run away from me again". Christian said with forcefulness to his voice as he held on to me tightly. "Don't ever think that I don't want you" he murmured as he looked me directly in the eye.

Once again he had rendered me speechless with his words and at how well he already knew me. The tone of his voice left no doubt about the seriousness of his words, and I could do nothing except nod in agreement. The intensity of his words and his demeanour left me with a strange feeling in my core, one that I could not recognise. He took out a pen from his pocket and raised my hand to kiss it before lowering it slightly to write on my wrist, the feeling in my core strengthening as he did so. When he started writing, the pen tickled my skin and a giggle escaped from my lips. His expression changed once again, becoming much softer and he looked on at me with a smile. As he finished, I took back my arm to look at what he had written.

"My number", he said. "Now I really have to go, you have made me late Anastasia. A first for me." He looked at me with a boyish grin and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Well since you don't look too upset about that, I won't apologise." He laughed with me. His tone turned serious again after a few seconds as he looked me in the eye.

"I'll see you." Three words he said, three words were all it took to make me happy.

"Bye". I watched as he turned and got into the car and drove away, all the while feeling glad that Kate had not been there to witness what had happened. I wasn't ready to tell what had happened yet, I barely knew myself.

I went back to the café to grab the bag I had left on the table. I decided I needed a walk to clear my head, but since I didn't know how long Kate's interview was, I didn't want to venture too far.

As I reflected over the past 24 hours, I wondered if Kate was right in what she had said yesterday. Had I had shut myself off from everyone in the last three years? Had I really not let myself have fun, to experience something new, to allow myself to enjoy new friendships and relationships with likeminded people? The more I thought about it, the more it became clear to me that she was right. I only had to look at my morning with Christian to realise this. He was talking to me, as I was to him, and all the while, I was nervous at the thought of letting him know me even a little, for fear that he'd get too close. I hadn't wanted anyone to get close to me since my parents had died but with Christian, I was willing to try.

And that's when I realised what I was really afraid of. I was scared that I liked someone, and I wanted that someone to like me. And that scared me because not because he may not like me, or he may reject me once he knew me. No, that wasn't what I was afraid of. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to love someone, and they were taken from me, then I would lose more of myself than I have already lost now.


	4. Chapter four: Taking the plunge

Just so you know, I love reading your reviews. Sorry if I don't respond. Like I said, I'm still new to this!

x I'mtrying

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**Chapter four: taking the plunge**

By the time Kate had called me at 1.30pm, I was relieved for the distraction. I had been so deep in thought that I forgot she even had an interview. I started to walk back, thankful that I hadn't walked too far from the building. I didn't know what I was going to tell Kate about Christian. I had met the guy twice and despite how much he knew about me already, there wasn't much I could say about him except his exceptionally good looks and his occasional mood swings. Yet I found that I revealed a more personal thing to him than I had to Kate or Jose, and I didn't think I wanted them to know that yet. They had tried hard to get me out of my shell, and I didn't want to belittle their efforts.

As I walked up to the building where I left Kate earlier, I saw her talking to a tall man with blonde hair. He had his back to me but I could tell she looked smitten. I knew from my previous experiences of observing Kate that she would no doubt take him home by the end of the day if she could.

"Hey" I said as I got closer to them. The man turned to look at me once he heard me. He was tall, as tall as Christian I would say. Like Christian, he was also very handsome, though in a more subtle way but had a similar build. He was different in that he was wearing a casual ensemble of jeans and black sweater with a jacket. He had light blonde hair with light blue eyes. He smiled at me and I found myself smiling back.

"Ana! Hi, I'm so sorry I took so long but erm…" she looked up to the man and hesitated. This was definitely new, Kate never stumbled over her words.

"Hi I'm Elliot." He said smilingly as he held his hand out to me.

"Ana" I said as I shook his hand, returning the smile before looking back to Kate. "Oh I distracted her." Elliot said, forcing me to look to him. "She was waiting to interview my brother but she had to first go on 'the tour' so I rescued her. That's just the kind of guy I am, I can't let people just suffer like that."

Kate laughed at him as I let out a giggle.

"How very chivalrous of you" I said.

"You know me so well already." Kate tugged at his arm and enjoyed his playfulness as he chuckled.

"Oh yeah he was a real knight in shining armour alright. He distracted me so long that he made me late back to the interview. Thankfully his brother didn't seem to mind." She looked at me and her brows furrowed a little. "You ok?"

"Yep, I'm fine. You were late? After months of bugging the guy you turn up late to the interview?" I said, hoping to detract the attention from me. It worked.

"It wasn't my fault, it was his," she said as she pointed her finger accusingly at Elliot, pretending to sound like she really cared that she was late.

"It's true, she was so dazzled by my charm and devastatingly handsome looks that she couldn't keep away from me. Quite the kisser too I must say. Although next time I may not accept sexual favours, if you want to leave a room you can just ask." He looked back at her with a smirk on his face as my jaw dropped to the floor. I turned to look at Kate who also looked shocked but composed herself as she blushed at Elliot's revelation.

"I can't believe you said that!" Her voice had gone up an octave. "You convinced the woman who was giving me the tour to leave me with you then locked us in the room! Then you wouldn't let me out until I kissed you!" She huffed and hit him lightly on the arm.

"Ah, you wound me!" Elliot said, clutching his arm feigning hurt. I laughed at their banter as he grabbed her by the waist and puller her closer to him. She stopped laughing and looked up at him as he stared down at her. "I didn't see you put up much of a resistance now. It's true though, you're a great kisser. In fact, I think I might need reminding." He leaned down to kiss her and she kissed him back with passion. I could hear her little groan as he cupped her face and moved her body to mould against his.

I suddenly felt like an intruder, watching them in their moment. _Is this what it's like?_ I wondered, _to have this connection with someone, even if for a brief period in time. Is this what I was missing out on?_ I couldn't help but wonder how easy Kate made it look. She had just met the guy and already they looked comfortable with each other. Looking at my best friend, I envied her more than ever. I envied the way she could be so carefree, and throw herself in at the deep end, having every confidence that she would be able to swim back up to the top.

Eventually they broke apart from the kiss, with Kate looking completely flustered but Elliot appeared entirely calm and very smug.

"Sorry Ana, can't help it," Elliot said as he looked back at Kate. She smiled up at him before giving him another chaste kiss on the lips.

"It's alright, you seem quite taken with each other. Erm… I'm going to carry on just exploring, I can leave you guys to it if you'd like."

"What?! No Ana this is our day, come on we'll check out Pike Market and then hit some shops before we head back." Kate replied. I could see from the way she was looking at me that she knew something was on my mind.

"Are you sure? I really don't mind."

"Come on Ana, I won't steal her away from you, at least not today." Elliot said, raising one eyebrow as he did so. He turned to look at Kate "I'll call you."

"Ok" she replied.

He then looked at me. "It was nice to meet you Ana"

"You too." I smiled back at him, he seemed very likeable.

"Laters baby" he said to Kate as he kissed her again and walked away with a smile on his face.

"So…" I said, "Anything you want to share?" I raised my eyebrows up at her as she had done yesterday.

"Oh Ana! He's amazing, and hot! And his kisses, they were just…mmmm…"

"You really like him."

"What's not to like? He's funny, flirty and very sweet." She linked arms with me and started to walk. "Come on let's walk, we'll come back for the car, and I'm dying for a coffee."

"I went to a little café down the road, we can go there," I suggested. "So, flirt eh? Sounds familiar." I giggled.

"I know, I know but he's just so, I don't even know what he is, I can't wait to see what's under those clothes though, I could feel how huge he was when he kissed me. I was getting wetter by the second".

"Ugh Kate, too much information. Please! I don't want to know."

"Oh come on Ana, I mean did you not see him, even with his clothes on you could see how hot his body was." I blushed in spite of myself. For as comfortable Kate was talking about men so brashly, I had never once joined in. And I hadn't really noticed guys in that way myself. Well, until this morning. "He's going to call me, we're going to meet up on Wednesday when he comes to Portland. He has his own construction company and needs to be there to meet some people."

"Sounds great. Should I even ask you how the interview went?"

"Oh it was more or less how I expected. I mean I asked him the questions and he answered every one stoically, like he was bored. It was only when I asked him if he was gay did I get any emotion out of him."

"You asked him if he was gay? Kate you can't just ask people that!"

"I know but in all the pictures of him he's only ever been seen with his mom and sister! I mean the guy is really good looking, there's no way he would be single for long. I personally think he's hiding something"

"Well how did he take it?"

"He was really mad!" she said as she laughed. "Honestly I thought he would stop the interview there and then but he just composed himself and carried on. He was more mad at that question than me being late, which is weird because from what I've heard, he hates it when people are late. He probably didn't say anything because of Elliot though," she said as she sighed.

"Well I'm sure your article is going to be amazing either way."

"Thank you" she said and we continued to walk the remaining few minutes in silence. We walked into the café that I had sat in before and bought some drinks. Kate ordered a coffee, and having had two cups of tea already, I ordered an orange juice.

"So what did you do?" she asked me as we took our seats. We sat near the back which suited me fine because sitting in the same seat as before would have been too distracting for me.

"Ana? Are you sure you're ok?" she said with a look of concern.

"Yeah Kate I'm fine. I just came in here for tea and a muffin earlier and then went for a walk. I didn't even realise how long I'd been walking for before you called me. I guess I was just lost in thought." I said, as convincingly as I could without letting on that I was hiding something from her.

"What were you thinking about?" she looked at me questioningly, deep down knowing that there was something I wasn't telling her. She always knew though, when I wasn't ready to tell her something so she never pressed me for details.

"Kate I envy you. I don't know how you do it."

"What do you mean?" she said as she took a sip of her coffee, clearly surprised at my words.

"I meant how you can just let go. I mean look at you with Elliot, you've known the guy for what, 30 minutes? And already you're kissing him and soon to be going on a date with him. How do you do it?"

She looked at me, pausing as if to think about how to phrase her answer. "Ana it's just who I am. You said yourself I'm a flirt, it's what I know and it works for me."

"I know that, I didn't mean just with Elliot, I meant in general. How do you do things without automatically thinking the worst? I mean what you said yesterday about me holding back, I know I do it but I can't help myself. I was looking at you earlier and thinking that you just take the plunge and swim in at the deep end and you just _know_ that you're going to be able to swim back to the top. I can't see that for myself."

"That's because you always tread in shallow waters Ana, you never let yourself go near the deep end. You're afraid to take the plunge even though you know what it's like to swim up. I know you have had a hard time lately but your life hasn't always been this way. You had 18 years of happy memories from your past, I mean 18 out of your 21 years were happy Ana. When your parents were here, you were floating on deep waters. You've just forgotten what it feels like to have that feeling of totally relaxing so you can just experience things. You look at the deep end believing you're going to sink."

My vision started to turn hazy as the tears had started to fill to the brim. Before I knew it, a single tear rolled down my cheek.

"It's true, I do. But I know what it's like to sink, I feel like I've been sinking for so long that I'm scared to float again. What happens if I let go and do start to float, what if something bad happens and I find myself sinking again? How do I get rid of the fear? I really want to be able to just do things like you do and not feel terrified at something new." I wiped the tear and took a deep breath. All these feelings and emotions had just come to the surface, and I had revealed more to Kate in these past two days than I had in all the time I had known her.

"You shouldn't be trying be like me Ana you should - "

"I know," I interrupted her "I'm not trying to be like you I just… I just don't know how to find myself again."

"Well, you should start by trusting yourself. Find the things that make you comfortable and just push your boundaries more and more each day, small steps. If you find that something doesn't work for you, then try again later. But if it does, then don't be afraid of it, embrace it. Slowly slowly you'll find new ways to float to the top. Oh and Ana?" She looked at me and I raised my head, willing her to continue. "The plunge is often the most exhilarating part."

I looked at Kate as she smiled at me. I smiled back at her, extremely thankful that she had been here for me despite how I had carried myself all the time I had known her. I made a vow then to be a better friend to her, because she had been the best friend to me that I could ever have known. I moved around the table and hugged her.

"What was that for?" she said as she giggled.

"Thank you" I whispered. She knew she had affected me, so didn't try to joke.

"You're welcome" she said.

The rest of the day was uneventful as we went for a walk around Pike Market and then finally went home. We got back at around 7pm and were exhausted from the drive. I didn't have the energy to make an elaborate meal so I settled for a simple salad with grilled chicken.

We ate together as we sat in front of the TV, though Kate's mind was elsewhere. She texted Elliot the whole time so I eventually told her to go to her room and call him and I would clear the plates. She readily agreed, practically skipping to her room as I moved to the kitchen. I lifted the sleeve on my wrist to look at the number that had been written on there and started to trace the numbers with my finger. Not wanting to lose it as I washed the dishes, I quickly grabbed my phone and saved the number in it before tidying up and making my way to my own room.

I must have spent ages just sat on bed, thinking about Christian. I stared at the phone, not knowing whether I should call him or send him a message. Or if I should even contact at him at all. I debated internally with myself, thinking about everything that had happened during the day. I looked at the clock, it was 11pm. Should I even call him this late? I reflected on my conversation with Kate about my fear of taking the plunge in the deep end, and with newfound confidence, wrote out a message.

*Goodnight Christian. Anastasia x*

I looked at the phone and let my finger hover over the send button. Before I could think twice, I quickly pressed the button and let out a sigh. I couldn't turn back now.

His reply was almost instant.

*Goodnight Anastasia. Sweet dreams *

I held the phone close to me as I smiled at his words. _Small steps_ I thought as I let sleep slowly overtake me.


	5. Chapter five: I'm floating

With love :)

x Imtrying

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**Chapter five: I'm floating**

The following day was uneventful as I went to my classes and came home. Between studying, writing the article and talking to Elliot, Kate had no time for much else so I was left to entertain myself. It was 6 o'clock and I found myself thinking about Christian and what he would be doing. The whole day had passed and he hadn't contacted me. Granted, I didn't contact him either but I didn't know if I should be the one to make a move. I decided it was best not to spend hours thinking about it like I had done last night so I grabbed a book and started reading it as I sat on my bed. Before long, I was lost in the literary world of Jane Austen, and were it not for the loud banging on front door, I could have quite easily stayed there all night.

"Annie, open the door!" Jose? What was he doing here I wondered. I walked to the door and checking to see that it was in fact Jose, undid the latch and let him in.

"Were you reading again?" he huffed as he walked in with what smelled like Chinese food.

"Hello Jose, nice to see you too."

"Don't _Hello Jose _me, do you know how long I've been knocking?" I didn't want to answer the question, I had done this too many times before.

"Why didn't Kate let you in?"

"Well my little nannie, if you took your head out of the book you would have realised it was 9 o'clock and Kate wasn't home yet." What? This was news to me. Jose saw the confusion on my face and elaborated. "Apparently a guy called Elliot had made a surprise trip down from Seattle so she went to dinner with him."

Jose had been like a big brother to me, even more so when I moved in after mom and dad's accident. I always had a feeling though that Jose wanted something more from me. As a teen, he would spend time with me rather than dating any of the other girls that asked him. He was even my date to the prom. Even so, at one year older than me, he had always been very protective and since we had lived close to each other our whole lives, he had been with me through all the good times and bad. His dad, Jose Senior told us that when I was born, Anastasia was too difficult for him to say so he would call me 'ittle nannie'. To this day, he still calls me by that nickname.

"I'm sorry Jose, how long were you waiting?" I asked, as I went grab some glasses and drinks from the kitchen.

"It's ok, you opened the door after the first knock" he said as he chuckled.

"Hey!" I said. "Not nice."

"You still need to get that pretty little head out of the books. I'm surprised you don't know the book off by heart. How is Mr Darcy anyhow?"

"Am I really that predictable?"

"Worse" he said as I jabbed him lightly. It was easy to be this way with Jose, I could be a little playful. I still didn't talk to him about personal things like my fears but then I never had, even when my parents were around. But the way we teased each other came naturally.

"Thanks for bringing the food" I said.

"It's ok, I knew you'd forget dinner. You do it at least once a week."

"Well it's a good things I have you here to feed me then. Thank you, this is delicious." I said as we sat down on the couch and started to eat.

"You're welcome. Now, want to talk about what happened on Wednesday?"

I must have looked shocked because Jose looked at me and immediately realised his mistake.

"Kate told you? I can't believe she told you!"

"Don't be mad at her, she was worried about you and let it slip. She didn't tell me what you said, she just called me before she went into your room, said you were crying." He looked so concerned that I couldn't be mad at him or Kate.

"Oh. Well it was silly really." I said, my voice wavering.

"Nannie" he said, his tone warning me that he didn't approve of what I just said.

"Seriously Jose it's fine, I saw a dad and his daughter, and it was her birthday. It just brought back some memories is all." I tucked into my food, hoping that he wouldn't ask for any more details.

"You know they loved you right?"

"Yes" I whispered, my hand frozen mid-air.

"Ana it's been three years, you have to let go at some point."

"I know Jose, believe me I had this conversation with Kate. I'm going to try more ok?" He looked at me as if to gage the sincerity of my words. "Ok?" I repeated.

"Ok" he said. "Are you still not going to the graduation?"

"Nope" I said. I had avoided thinking about graduation for weeks. I knew that as the time grew closer and closer, there would be no way I could avoid thinking about it but I didn't want to go. There was no point with no one there to cheer me on. I knew Kate and Jose and their families would be more than happy for me but they were _their_ families. I didn't want to intrude on their celebrations or make them feel obligated to invite me along to anything. More than that, I knew what happened the last time I had a graduation ceremony and it wasn't a memory I wanted to be reminded of.

"Well, I have all your clothes ready for you if you change your mind. It's three weeks away, just give it some thought ok? They'd be so proud of you."

"Thanks Jose," I said, my voice wavering once more. "Now, let's not talk about boring old me. What's new with you?"

"Well, just to clarify first, you're not boring, just an old lady in a 21 year old woman's body. But that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I showed some people my photography work and they've agreed to help me set up an exhibition."

"What?!" I screamed excitedly as he laughed. Jose studied engineering at the same university and because he started a year earlier, he would graduate at the same time as us, since his course was a year longer. His real passion though, was photography. "Jose that's amazing! When is it going to be?"

"Three days after graduation. The gallery's a couple of blocks away from the uni."

"Oh" I said. "Well that means you need to fix Wanda so I can drive it back here for the opening. I can't believe we've only got a couple more weeks before we move to Seattle."

"I know. Have you packed yet, or you going to do it next week?"

"Next week. My last day at the bookstore is on Wednesday so I've got a few days off where I can think of finals and pack."

"Any news on the job front?"

"No, I've applied to all the publishing houses but they haven't got back to me yet. It's only been three days though for a couple of them so I'm not really worried. If I get really stuck, I'll just find myself another bookstore!"

Jose laughed. The rest of the dinner progressed much the same way and before we knew it, it was 10:30. Jose had to start early in the morning to work on preparations for his opening night so he left not too long after that. I cleared up in the kitchen before making my way to my bedroom.

Once again I was sat with the phone in my hand, wondering if I should call Christian. He hadn't contacted me all day, and though he said he wanted me, I couldn't help but feel he was holding something back, like his thoughts were conflicted about wanting me. I scrolled through the phone and stopped when I saw his name. I wanted to talk to him but I wasn't sure what I would say. He might be awake since the time wasn't too different to what it was yesterday.

_Call him_, I told myself. _Call him call him call him…._ over and over again I willed my fingers to follow through on the instructions that my brain had been chanting. I pressed the button but instead of waiting for the sound of the ringing, cut it off before the call could go through. I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it so I resigned myself to the comfort of my bed and fell asleep.

The weekend passed quickly as I went to a Krav Maga session with Kate, prepared for finals and started to pack. Before I knew it, Monday had arrived and I had to face Jerry at work. I hadn't spoken to him since Thursday after we discussed the incident which saw me break down in front of complete strangers and run from the store on the previous night. Thankfully he was very understanding about what had happened, and told me that I must let him know if anything like that should happen again. Since I was leaving in two days, I didn't see it being a happening. I tidied up behind the cash register as I swayed to the light music that Jerry played and as I felt movement behind me, turned around to face the bold gaze of Christian, who was staring at me with an amused expression on his face. I wondered why he looked amused but realised he must have seen me swaying.

"Hello Anastasia." There was that voice! I had forgotten how much his voice could affect me. It was such a deep, rich voice that I knew I could quite easily become addicted to it.

"Hey" I said, almost whispering. "Erm, how are you?" I said, suddenly feeling very shy. I didn't quite know why he was in the shop, standing opposite me.

"Very well thank you, and how are you?" he said, with a hint of a smile.

"I'm fine, thank you," I replied.

"I must admit, I was expecting you to call me." He looked at me intently and I all but avoided looking him in the eye.

"I almost did."

"How long were you thinking about it?" He asked.

"Randomly throughout the days though I held my phone for a couple of hours every night trying to press the call button," I admitted as I let out a nervous giggle.

"Such a lovely sound" he murmured, so quietly that I almost missed it.

"What is?"

"Your giggle, I could listen to it all day." I blushed as he stared at me intently. I didn't know how to respond to him so we stood there in a few seconds of awkward silence as he continued to look me over. All the while, I looked everywhere but directly at him.

"Would you like to buy a book?" I said, suddenly remembering where I was.

"No thank you, I'm quite content just talking to you," There's that blush again. "You know it doesn't take a lot to make your cheeks turn pink, I would love to do it more often." He said as his eyes suddenly darkened.

"Would you now?" I asked. _Was I flirting with him?_ He was surprised at my forwardness and I saw the corners of his lips turn at a brief smile. He looked at me as if he knew something I did not.

"Yes I would" he said, revealing the smirk as his eyes remained dark.

"Well since you know a weakness of mine, it's only fair that I know one of yours." _Where did that come from?_ I liked talking to him this way, so long as I didn't look him in the eye, I couldn't be affected by the way his eyes bore into mine.

"A weakness? Hmm I have many weaknesses Anastasia, in fact most of them revolve around you."

"Really? Care to be more specific?" I said, embarrassed at how breathless I sounded. I made the mistake of looking directly into his eyes and could feel my breathing become more erratic.

"Hmm" he said, as his finger hovered over his bottom lip. I found myself staring at it as my core felt a twinge. "No I don't". I suddenly snapped out of my daze at the sound of his voice. "Can't have you using it to your advantage now can we?" I looked away, willing myself to calm down. I looked down at my interlocked fingers but not before I felt his finger beneath my chin, lifting my face back up again.

"I like seeing you." He said, repeating what he had told me last week. My knees suddenly felt week as my eyes found his as my breathing just about stopped altogether and I knew that any second longer of him touching me, I would collapse entirely. I shook my head so he could release his hold on me.

"You don't play fair, Christian." I said quietly, looking away again. I could hear the intake of his breath as I said his name.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I told you it frightens me when you look into my eyes, you seem to render me speechless just by looking at me. Yet still you insist on making me look at you."

"I never said I would play fair", he said, his gaze penetrating me to the very core. There was a brief pause before he continued. "What time do you finish work?"

"Erm…" I looked at the clock and realised my shift was actually over. "…now actually." Just as I had finished my sentence, Jerry walked out to tell me that I could go. As he looked at Christian though, his eyes widened in surprise.

"Mr Grey" he faltered before saying, "you came back."

It was my turn to look surprised now. What did Jerry mean? I looked to Christian for an explanation and he suddenly looked remorseful, as if he had done something that I did not know about that I was not going to like.

"You've met?" I asked Jerry.

"Oh I'm sorry, I er… thought you knew…Mr Grey I'm sorry". Jerry started stuttering, leaving me wondering why he was apologising to Christian.

"What's going on here?" I looked to both of them waiting for an explanation. Both men shifted and looked deep in thought as they pondered over how best to tell me. Their silence had gone on for too long before I broke it. "Well since no one wants to tell me, I shall be going as my shift is over. I'll see you Wednesday Jerry. Goodbye, _My Grey."_ I would have to ask him why Jerry had addressed him so formally, whether there was something he knew that I didn't.

Christian was the first to speak. "Anastasia, I came into the shop on Wednesday and Mr Sanderson was kind enough to show me around."

It dawned on me. _Wednesday._ Christian had come in here on Wednesday after I had run away from him to ask about me. Which means he…oh god…he knew.

"You knew who I was?" I asked him, and my voice wavered as I did so. I could feel my emotions bubble to the surface as I struggled to gain control over them. I looked to Jerry who didn't quite know what to say. "It's ok Jerry, I didn't bring my belongings, just a jacket and my keys which are here. If it's alright with you I'll be off now."

"Yes of course Ana, see you tomorrow." He said to me apologetically. I gave him a slight nod and walked past Christian towards the door as fast as I could, hoping he wouldn't see my tears this time.

"Anastasia please wait," I could tell that he had followed me out but I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to look at him. I quickened the pace of my steps and hastily wiped the tears from my cheeks. He knew who I was, when he saw me in the café on Thursday he knew.

"Oh god" I said, as another realisation hit me. He caught up to me but I just carried on walking so he had no choice but to walk with me. "When you asked me my name, you already knew didn't you?" I said without looking at him.

"Yes" he said quietly.

"And you knew why I was upset." I said, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. I had told him that I didn't like looking people in the eye because it was too personal and already he threatened to 'not play fair' with that bit of information. I didn't like that he knew the reason for my tears, that he had found out before I was willing to share it with him.

"Yes" he said.

"There's that word again." I said sarcastically, repeating what he had said to me about saying sorry. "What else do you know about me?" I paused to look at him and saw that he was deep in thought. "You know you told me that I hold back. You learned something about me, something that I don't willingly share with anyone and you concealed that fact. Tell me, what else do you know?"

"Ana please, I will tell you. Let's just go somewhere quiet where we can sit and discuss this."

"What makes you think I want to go anywhere with you?" I could feel that I was retreating into myself. The tears had stopped and my emotions seemed to fall back in line.

"Anastasia" he said, his voice firm and scolding, leaving me with no doubt that I would have to go with him. I lost all connection to my thoughts. "Look I'll explain to you what happened but not here." I looked at him for signs of dishonestly and found none. I could feel my breath quickening as I decided what to do. I could feel the fear start to creep in. _Take the plunge Ana_ I thought to myself.

"What?" he asked.

"Uh oh, did I say that out loud?"

He laughed in spite of himself "Yes you did, and I agree with you," he said, his expression turning serious once again

I took one more look at him as he looked back at me. He seemed genuinely contrite and I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Where are we going?"

His eyes widened a little as he let out a small breath, clearly relieved that I hadn't said no.

"Right this way," he said, as he led me to a little restaurant. I looked up and realised I was grossly underdressed, while Christian, ever the gorgeous man that he was, fitted right in. We walked in and were greeted by an immaculately dressed blonde woman who took one look at Christian and started batting her eyelashes. I rolled my eyes.

"Good afternoon My Grey, how can I help you?" she asked, without so much as glancing in my direction. _Another person who knew who he was_ I thought. Christian looked annoyed at her attempts to flirt and responded with a clipped tone, looking at me the whole time.

"Private table for two please, and a bottle of Sancerre." The woman looked at me, and I could almost hear her thoughts screaming at me. _What is he doing with her?_ Christian led me forward and placed his hand on the small of my back. That one little gesture had my skin tingling as I battled to focus on my questions. We were led to the back of the restaurant to a booth that had a privacy screen. Neither of us said anything and when the waiter arrived with our drinks and menus, I took a sip before lifting the menu in a meagre attempt to hide from his gaze.

"Anastasia" he said, in that tone again. I put the menu down without looking at him and waited for him to say something. When he didn't I looked up to see him staring at me, his gaze intense as his eyes had molten. "Would you please stop biting your lip?" he said with urgency, as if my biting my lip any longer would cause him great discomfort. I relaxed my teeth as the lip returned to its normal position.

"So, would you like me to refer to you as Mr Grey?" I asked, starting with the easier question. He looked at me directly in the eye

"No" he said, struggling to contain his anger. "I was honest with you, my name is Christian."

I would have scoffed at him but his fiery stare affected me so much, both my thoughts and that knot in my core that my breath caught. "Honest in some matters, not others."

"What matters are they?" he said, wanting me to spell it out for him.

"Why did you ask me for my name if you already knew it?"

He looked at me as his gaze softened a little. His eyes no longer held any anger and his shoulders relaxed a little. "I didn't want to force anything from you, I wanted you to tell me."

"Why?" I asked, feeling very confused. Why would he want me to tell him?

"I told you before, you fascinate me." I blushed at his words. Just then, the waiter walked in and as I hadn't looked at the menu, I let Christian order for us both.

He sighed before he started to talk, looking at me to make sure I looked back. "When you ran out of the shop, I saw your face before you stumbled in front of me. You looked so innocent and so beautiful but then I saw your eyes, and you carried so much emotion in them that I couldn't move. It was like I felt your pain. And then when you looked at me as I held you, and I told you to breath, I was telling myself as much as I was telling you." He paused to see if I was still listening. "And then you ran away from me and I wanted to run after you but my legs wouldn't carry me forward. So I did the next best thing and went into the shop to ask them if they knew you."

I was not expecting any of those words. I sat there staring at him still, a new set of tears filling my eyes. I closed them and took a deep breath, hoping that the feeling of wanting to cry would go when I opened my eyes again. I took another deep breath and opened my eyes to see Christian staring at me. When he saw that I was close to tears, his hand moved instinctively to comfort me. I put my own hand up, signalling for him to stop. He looked disappointed but let his hand drop nonetheless.

"You know why I was crying?" I asked, my voice thick with emotion. I looked up, expecting to see pity on his face as he remembered why I was crying but found none. I only saw sympathy. Just at that moment, the waiter returned with our food and I welcomed the interruption. Christian had ordered us both a steak with asparagus and what looked like a hollandaise sauce.

"Eat" he said. He waited until I took the first bite before tucking into his own food. I slowly took my first bite as I felt his gaze on me, making me nervous. It was delicious, and because I hadn't eaten all day I was famished. I carried on eating, seeing the pleasure on Christian's face as I did so. After a few minutes of silence, I willed him to continue.

"What did the customers say?"

"By the time I walked in to the shop, the guy and his daughter had just started explaining to Mr Sanderson - "

"Jerry" I interrupted.

" – they had just started to explain to _Jerry_ exactly what they had said to you. I could see they were confused and concerned because your reaction didn't make sense to them, or to me for that matter. But Jerry knew so he apologised to the customers and said it was a personal issue that he wasn't at liberty to share, but that they had done nothing wrong."

"But he told you?" As I asked the question, Christian looked uncomfortable as he continued.

"Not willingly" he admitted. I looked at him, silently asking him what to elaborate.

"I'm a very powerful man, I told him that I would buy his store if he didn't tell me, that I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"A powerful man? What do you do?"

Again he paused before answering. "I'm in mergers and acquisitions. I own my own company that is based in Seattle. I'm very good at what I do"

"So when you saw me in the café, what had Jerry told you about my parents?" I asked, suddenly feeling nervous. He could tell as his expression turned impassive.

"That you lost them, nothing else." I felt relief at his words and he noticed as I let go of a breath I didn't realise I was holding and my shoulders sagged. As safe as I felt with him when he held me, I realised that that feeling came only when I allowed it, not when it was forced upon me. I looked at him as I remembered his meeting on Thursday

"How late did I make you on Thursday?" He laughed at my question, it was a beautiful sound.

"Ah yes, a first for me. I was actually on time, but only because the journalist was later than I was."

And then just as I was about to laugh at his response, it dawned on me exactly who he was, who Kate had interviewed.

"You're the guy Kate interviewed" I said, so softly that I wasn't sure that he heard me. It made sense, I was a very successful guy, who worked not too far from the café by his own admission, and the journalist was Kate.

"Yes I am" he said, sounding firm, making no apologies for the fact that he did not tell me sooner. "I didn't want to tell you", he said, answering my unspoken thoughts "because I liked that you saw me as Christian, and not Mr Grey."

I looked him in the eye and for the first time I saw that he was holding on to something to, holding back. And with that one statement, I understood the motivations behind his actions, despite the fact that it appeared he was hiding things from me. He wanted me to reveal bits of myself to him of my own accord, to reveal what I felt comfortable revealing, and he had done the same.

I thought back to Kate's comments about him.

"So you're a billionaire?" I asked him. He chuckled at my question.

"Yes".

"Are you gay?" I blurted out before my hands immediately clamped over my mouth to stop anything else escaping. Just as quick as they had covered my face, they fell down in my lap again and my eyes followed. "I'm so sorry, don't answer that I can't believe I said that."

Again, he chose to remain silent until I looked up. I peeked through my hair that had fallen over my face and saw his intense and penetrating gaze as the grey in his eyes had molten. He didn't look angry, but whatever emotion he was masking made my core melt and I felt the space between my legs dampen. I crossed my legs and held them tight in response.

"No," he said, suddenly amused at my reaction, _as if he knew_ and the blush that crept up my cheeks. I felt relieved at his answer but before I could stop myself found myself asking

"Girlfriend?"

"No, I don't do the girlfriend thing." he simply replied. I looked at him confused.

"Celibate?" His laughter resonated around the booth and flowed through me. It warmed me to the core and I felt nervous at where my feelings were headed. I liked him more.

"No not celibate Anastasia." I thought over what he said, not celibate but not gay. The only option left, I thought, was that he had a string of woman like the blonde at the front desk that threw themselves at him. Before I could continue with this line of thought, he spoke.

"I'm not a heart and flowers kind of man Anastasia." That was becoming increasingly apparent.

"Oh" was all I said in response to that statement. I looked at my plate that was mostly empty and stated "I'm full, and I should get going if I'm to prepare for finals", not wanting to talk about this topic anymore. He took the hint, almost relieved that I had offered him an escape.

"What are you studying?" he asked as he stood and held his hand out to me. I took it and we walked out of the restaurant.

"English Literature. Don't we have to pay?" I asked, glancing back at the booth.

"They'll bill me individually Anastasia. English Literature, what do you enjoy reading?"

"The usual, Austen, Hardy, you know." I said as I shrugged.

By the time we got outside, Christian could tell that I was lost in thought but I made no attempt to speak to him. I found that I was liking him more than I had liked anyone in this way, and following the advice of Kate, tried to let myself go. She was right, though it was a small plunge, it was definitely exhilarating.

I looked up at him and noticed he looked conflicted once again. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. I felt my breath catch as my body moulded against his, feeling his warmth. He looked me in the eye and I looked back, willing him to kiss me.

"You should stay away from me Ana"

It didn't escape my notice that this was the first time he had called me Ana. My eyebrows furrowed as I thought about what he just said.

"Why?" I whispered

"Because I'm no good for you," he replied.

And just like that, I had been brought back from my daze, of believing that because I wanted to let go, that I finally wanted to kiss a man, that I finally trusted him enough to believe all that he had told me, that the man would want me back. I bit my lip to stifle the little sob that threatened to escape as my eyes watered. My gaze lowered and I tried to step back.

"Ana" he whispered. I looked back up at him and he looked pained, his eyes darting between my eyes and lips. His hand moved up and moved a strand of hair behind my ears before resting on my cheek. He looked at me intently and I will him, with my eyes locking on to his, to kiss me as I rested my hands on his chest like before.

He looked at my hands before looking up to me again. He lowered his head very slowly, almost hesitant with his movements. I could feel his breath on my lips as my eyelids slowly shut. His lips grazed against mine and would it not have been for his hand against my back, I would not have been able to stay upright. He applied a little more pressure, very gently kissing me. I felt myself kiss him back as his hand moved from my cheek to my neck. Our lips moved in synchronization as the intensity of the kiss increased further still and I felt a wetness pool between my legs. He let out his tongue and ran it across my bottom lip and I moved my hands to grip his hair. _So soft_ I thought as he groaned. The sound was pure heaven and like a hotlink to the bud of nerves between my legs. I groaned at the new sensation of his tongue stroking my lip, and my lips parted as I did so. He thrust his tongue on to mine, kissing me sensually and slowly but firmly, gripping me tighter still. We continued for I don't know how long, becoming more and more breathless and the tension in my stomach increasing as I pulled his hair tighter. He broke the kiss suddenly whilst groaning before going back for more, capturing my bottom lip in his teeth as he tugged it back and then released it. I groaned again, and felt myself become even wetter. He held my head in place, resting his forehead against mine as we struggled to catch our breaths.

That was the most intense experience I had ever had. If we weren't holding each other the way we were, I would have floated away. And because I was in his arms as he embraced me, I felt safe, safe enough to feel like I had done the right thing, that I had made the right choice. I liked him, and he liked me.

"Anastasia" he said, suddenly halting my thoughts. I looked up at him as he let go of me and saw a cold hard look on his face. This was not a Christian I had ever seen before and I suddenly became very nervous.

"Christian?" I said, almost pleading with him, though for what I don't know. He saw the look of panic in my eyes, and the pain of rejection and his face softened ever so slightly.

"Ana" he said, as he inhaled sharply and let out a deep breath. I knew what was coming, and yet I couldn't do anything to stop it. "I'm so sorry I shouldn't have done that."

The fact that I expected the words did nothing to stop the hurt I felt as I finally heard them from him. I couldn't look at him, I wouldn't. He had made himself very clear and it was clear that he didn't want me. And still I was grateful to him. He had helped me in my first experience of the deep end in over three years, and though I could feel myself sinking, sinking to a depth lower than I had before, I was grateful that he had given me a brief moment of respite. He had allowed me to float.

"That's ok" I said, with as little emotion as I could pull off.

"Ana.." he said, as he moved to cup my face.

"Don't!" I said forcefully. He seemed shocked at my outburst and dropped his hand immediately. "Thank you, for your honesty" I said. And with that, I turned around and made my way home. I didn't stop to see his expression, or if he was following me. I blocked out all sound and started to run back to that apartment, letting the tears fall freely.

I lay on the bed, relaying the evening I had just had over and over again. _He wasn't the girlfriend type_. I should have listened to him them. The kiss didn't make any sense to me, but since I had no experience, maybe I couldn't trust my own thoughts. No, it wasn't that. He had already found a breach in my armour with his words that night. And the further he got in, the weaker my defences became against him. I allowed him to kiss me. One thing became apparent, and that was that I had let my guard down. All that was left was whether I would let it fall away further, or if I should reinforce it with all the might that I had.


	6. Chapter six: Breakdown

Thanks so much for the support everyone.

I love reading your comments.

x Imtrying

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**Chapter six: breakdown**

I walked into the bookstore for work the following day, doing the same thing I did as always. I tried not to let thoughts of Christian overtake me as I served the few customers that were there but it was too difficult as my mind wandered. Jerry for his part didn't say anything about what he was doing in the shop, and I was extremely grateful for that. I didn't really know myself.

The last day at the bookstore was bittersweet as I said my goodbyes to the staff. Jerry and his wife hugged me as they gave me a small parting gift of a delicate little bracelet that had a little book trinket attached to it. I immediately put on. They also told me to keep my name tag should I ever want to come back, in which case a job would always be there waiting for me. The gesture was heartfelt and touched me to the core as I reflected on how much being at the store had helped me cope throughout university. I may have been a social recluse, but the job had given me a little confidence to interact with strangers. More than that, it gave me an escape. It was something that was mine and mine alone, not something I shared Kate or Jose or anyone else that I knew. This simple thing gave me comfort in my solitude; I could just be as I wanted without fear or expectation.

After the experience I had with Christian, I was confused about my feelings. On the one hand, I felt like a small burden had been lifted as I finally let myself go to feel whatever might come my way. Granted, I didn't expect to feel so broken, but the mere fact that I could have such an intense emotion after three years of wandering aimlessly made me certain that I didn't regret it. And the kiss, that was definitely not something I regretted. On the other hand, it made me more cautious too, and slightly afraid of my own instincts and judgement. I trusted a man who I had barely known with information so private, that I didn't consider how he might use it against me, or whether he would care for it at all. And in this instance, he didn't care, and it was his not caring that caused a new breakthrough for me. Whereas before, I had decided to take the plunge, not caring if I got burned as long as I survived, this experience had made me realise that I didn't want to get burnt either. I was already dealing with one type of pain; I couldn't add another dimension to it.

The rest of the week was rather boring by comparison as classes finished. Kate and I had started to pack our things between breaks from studying for finals. When finals had eventually ended the following week, we were so mentally and physically exhausted that even Kate skipped the club that night as we stayed indoors. Of course Kate being Kate, she couldn't stay like that for long and with Elliot coming down for the weekend, she wasn't stuck for company.

"Stop it!" I heard Kate say as she giggled.

"You know you want to…" He replied, his voice soft but teasing. "If not, I'm sure I can convince you. Didn't take much the first time."

"I'm sure you…OH!" she moaned "...Elliot stop, Ana…"

"Is right here" I said, hoping that I had spoken soon enough for them to stop whatever it was they were doing. I walked into the kitchen to get myself a drink, avoiding looking in their direction.

"Hey Elliot," I said casually as he caught up to me. Since they had met two and a half weeks ago, Kate and Elliot were practically inseparable. If they weren't with each other they were calling each other, if they weren't calling it was messages. I was happy for her and could tell that this relationship was different to any other one she had been in. From the look on his face, I'd say he didn't feel all too different either.

"Ana, Ana Ana" he said in a mock serious tone as feigned disapproval, not at all sorry for the state that I had almost caught them in. "You know you gotta help a guy out once in a while, I mean geez, way to ruin a moment."

I laughed at him as I took a sip of my drink. I couldn't help but wonder how Elliot could be so different to his brother. He had told us little bits of information, how they were three siblings in total and all adopted. He spoke about his own business, and the success of his younger brother, and how his parents were extremely proud of them. I could tell from his word that he was proud of Christian too.

"Hey, you ok?" he asked as he raised his eyebrows, bringing me back from my thoughts.

In the short time that I had known Elliot, he had always been a clown, injecting humour into everything situation he encountered. That is why, when he looked at me to ask if I was ok despite the lightness of his tone, I knew I could detect a seriousness that made me wonder if Christian had said anything to him.

"Of course" I replied, though my hesitance caused his eyebrows to rise even more before they fell to form a small frown. Thankfully, Kate walked in at that moment, saving me from having to say anything else. Between the two of them, they really had a way of getting information out of me.

"Hey baby," she said as she leaned against him, tilting her head up for a chaste kiss. He returned it with a fierceness that caught Kate by surprise but she soon responded as I once again felt like an intruder. I debated walking away to my room but settled for coughing instead.

"Sorry," they both muttered. They didn't mean it.

"Ana you ok?" asked Kate. Why the sudden concern?

"Yes, I am" I said, slightly confused. I looked at them both as they gave me the once over. "Why wouldn't I be?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know what made them think I wasn't ok.

"No reason, you just seem a bit off is all. At first I thought it was exam stress but I dunno. There's something different about you." Kate explained. There was something different about me but I hadn't told them about Christian yet. I knew that Kate wouldn't let it drop if I mentioned even one sentence about it, and telling Elliot anything about his brother just seemed too awkward.

"Yeah I'm fine I just feel different I guess, all the changes and all." It was as honest an answer that I could give them and as they realised it was all they were going to get, they didn't press me for more information.

"What you doing tonight?" I said, hoping to change the subject.

"Well…"Elliot raised his eyebrows suggestively at Kate then looked at me with a smirk before Kate jabbed him in the arm.

"WE…" she said looking at him, willing him to stop the innuendos "… are going out for dinner. Want to come?" I knew she was asking to be polite, but I didn't think I could I could sit through an entire dinner with them behaving as they do. I had seen them down each other's throats one too many times to not feel like the third wheel.

"No thank you, I might go for a walk though." She looked at me sceptically and I knew she knew something was wrong. I tried to shrug it off but judging by the look on her face before they left,

I knew she would give me a drilling when she got the chance.

I put on a jacket and took my phone as I ventured down the street and found myself walking in any direction that my legs would take me. I didn't have a specific place in mind but that suited me fine. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts without having to think about making any decisions about anything. No, I wanted to free my mind completely, to walk aimlessly for hours watching the world carry on around me as I lost myself to it. It was strangely comforting to think it was working, something that I had never been able to do before except through reading.

When I was younger, I would often walk with my mom to the restaurant if she needed to grab something, or if she had a shift. I would take my school work with me and complete my assignments there. I would watch the way she put the pencil behind her ear as she laughed with the customers. The way she engaged with people and captured their attention would fascinate me as she brought them their food. Striking up conversation with anyone was second nature to her, perhaps why she was good at what she did. I often asked her why she didn't look for a better job but she told me that this was the best job for her – not for the money but because she genuinely liked what she did. She told me that if ever I found the one thing that made me happy, no matter what it was, that I should cherish it, because finding that was a rarity. And she said she had the rarest of all things because she had a family that loved her too. I loved that she was so content with her life.

The sound of screeching interrupted my memory as I looked ahead. It was a deafening sound, I couldn't breathe… the screeching… the people… the loud crunching sound as the cars crashed.

NO!

I hadn't come up to the intersection where a car had struggled to stop at the red light. Another car was driving upwards, on a collision course with the first car. I couldn't stop it, I closed and opened my eyes repeatedly, willing the image to go away but it wasn't working. The cars had crashed into each other and come to an abrupt stop as the back of both cars lifted off the ground before returning with a resounding thud. And then there was silence, silence except for the shallow breaths that were escaping from my lungs.

It was as if I had just been shown a demonstration of what happened to my parents. I wanted to shout but remain silent, to run but remain rooted, to close my eyes yet watch what was happening now. My heart was pounding and my head felt heavy. I could feel a flurry of activity around me as people ran to help the passengers of the cars. Slowly, the noise returned as I regained my senses. I felt my left hand shake as the right was tightly gripping something. I looked down as if in slow motion and realised it was my phone.

_The phone!_ I thought. But who would I call? I went to the first name that came into my head and dialled. There was only one ring before he answered.

"Christian," I managed to say softly as my breaths continued coming out in short sharp bursts. I could feel myself start to panic again as the tears clouded my eyes and my legs lost all strength. I collapsed to the floor, clutching the phone to my ear.

"Anastasia," he answered, clearly surprised that I had called him. The tears rolled down my cheeks as a sob escaped from my lips. I heard him take a deep breath before he spoke again. "Anastasia what's wrong?" he asked, his voice laced with concern. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't find the words, I just wanted him with me.

"I went…_(sob)_ for _(sob)_ a walk…" I managed to get out.

"Where are you?" he said, his tone demanding but soft.

"I…can't….please…"

"Where are you?" he said again. He sounded worried and slightly agitated.

"On the…road" I answered.

"Which road?"

"I… don't…know." By now the tears were flowing freely, as was the sobbing. I felt tired and dizzy.

"Ok" he sounded exasperated, as if out of his depth. I lost the grip on the phone and felt it drop in my lap, but not before the call had cut off. I put my arms around myself and continued to sob. Not a moment later, I felt the phone vibrate and with shaking fingers, picked it up and answered.

"I'm coming to get you" he said, his voice firm, and then nothing as he hung up. I let it drop again as I tried to lessen the ache that had now formed in my chest. I took deeper breaths to control the sobs and willed my tears to stop. _Why?_ I asked no one and anyone. _Why did I have to see that?_ I didn't want to see it. It was as if I had just seen my parents' accident. I had avoided seeing anything to do with it when it happened, why should I be shown this now?

When the detective asked me if I wanted to see the pictures, I said no. I didn't see the car either, or what was left of it, nor did I look at the other driver's picture. When I saw my parents at the funeral, they both looked so peaceful, sleeping side by side as they had done all those years. The detective told me that they wouldn't have felt any pain but I know they would have. The fear, of knowing what was coming yet not being able to stop it, I wonder what their thoughts were. I wonder if they, if they knew what was to come. They must have felt something in that split second before the car collided with theirs. I can't imagine how they felt.

I sat on the pavement and pulled my knees up to my chest as I clutched them tightly. I didn't care for my surroundings. I don't know how long I sat there before my tears started to dry up and the sobbing turned to quiet hiccups. Suddenly I felt a warm pair of arms around my shoulders and across my chest as heat permeated my back.

"Shh"

Christian.

It was Christian. _He was there_. He sat behind me, holding me firm against his chest. I felt all the tension leave my body as it relaxed against his, my tears starting afresh. He rocked me back and forth ever so gently as I held on to his arms as tightly as I could, all the while pressing his face to my hair. This is what I needed. I needed to feel safe, to feel like I could breathe again. He was doing that for me; he protected me in his embrace as the gentle rise and fall of his chest eventually calmed mine.

"Shh it's ok, it's ok." He said. He kept repeating it every so often until he felt my drip on his arms loosen. I turned around to my side to face him, and looked directly into his eyes. They were filled with concern.

"Hey" he said softly, with a small smile. I didn't have the energy to return it. I simply sat there looking into his eyes, hoping that by looking into mine, he understood exactly how I felt. He did.

"Are you able to get up?" He asked as his fingers moved the hair from my damp face. I nodded yes.

He shifted slightly so that we broke apart and stood before offering me his hand. I took it as he pulled me up, holding me close to him. I looked into his eyes once again and felt another chink in the armour break. He came for me, when I asked him to. And then I realised that we had an audience.

"How long have I been here?"

"About 10 minutes" he said. I was about to say something when a slight movement behind him caught my attention. The ambulance had arrived and the paramedics were lifting a body on to a stretcher. I could feel the blood drain from my head and my face as I looked to Christian.

"Help me," I pleaded as I felt myself collapse. There was only Christian's voice as I surrendered to the darkness.

_Fuck!_


	7. Chapter seven: To be taken care of

So many views! I'm overwhelmed!

Thanks to all, it really means a lot to me.

x Imtrying

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**Chapter seven: to be taken care of**

Numb

That's what I felt. Numb. It was a surreal feeling, as if I was balancing on the edge of consciousness ready to fall into an unknown abyss. It wasn't entirely unpleasant, save for the occasional moment where I could hear something, someone. They were talking to me. Panic, I could hear the panic in the voices. Was it many voices? I wasn't sure.

_Ana…_

I heard, very faintly. Who was calling me?

_It's ok baby, I got you…_

That was slightly louder. And definitely one voice. Was the person getting closer? I tried to speak but couldn't find my voice, it was as if it had been lost when the emotion disappeared.

_Shhh baby it's ok, you're ok now…_

There it was again. It felt strangely familiar to me, the voice of a man I knew. I felt I could trust him. I could feel myself drifting, floating towards it as it told me sweet nothings. I wanted to respond, to say that I was coming back but again words failed me.

_I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm going to put you on the bed ok?_

And then I was sinking again. NO, don't let me go, I'm coming. I tried to protest, to will my body to respond. _Do something!_ I shouted in my head. I didn't want to sink, I was safe, please don't let me fall, I don't want to fall. I tried to tell my body to move, to grab on to something, _anything!_

_Shit! Ana it's ok, come on baby look at me! It's me, look, come on open your eyes._

Grey. That's all I could see, grey eyes, staring deep into my eyes. I blinked, unsure whether I was dreaming or awake before closing my eyes once again.

"Don't let me fall" I said in a weak voice, as if to test it was actually there.

"I won't" came the response. It was Christian's voice, he had heard me, and responded. I opened my eyes again to find that his were unmoved. I tried to focus my senses, to draw back the feeling that had been lost to me. I noticed a pair of hands on me, one around the back of my neck as the other cupped my cheek, the thumb moving back and forth ever so slowly. I was sat down on something soft, a mattress I think it was. Yes a mattress on a very soft bed. My legs were hanging over the edge of the bed as Christian crouched in front me, leaning perfectly so that his eyes were at level with mine.

And then the realisation hit me. Christian had heard me, he had answered my call and came to me after I saw the accident. Oh _God_ the accident. Christian had come to me and held me as my tears ebbed away. He held me close to him and soothed me, rocked me. I had never felt so safe as I did then. And then just as I had processed the first realisation, another one hit. The person on the stretcher, taken into the ambulance…

"Oh God" I said, as the panic started to arise anew. I could feel my body tense as Christian's grip on me tightened.

"Hey hey, shhh, look at me." I couldn't. My breathing was growing more laboured as I considered the possibility of that person not surviving. I looked everywhere except into the grey orbs that were now demanding my attention.

"Anastasia" he said, dominating me with the harshness of his tone. I looked at him immediately.

"You will look at me and nothing else." The way he held my gaze caused my breath to hitch before I let out a long sigh. I forced myself to calm down, looking at nothing but his eyes. He looked back with a mask of control, yet his eyes concealed confusion and determination as he willed me to focus on him. It was strange that the eyes that had frightened me not long ago were the very eyes that were now calming my fears.

"There, that's better," he said as he no doubt noticed the tension leave from my body. His grip on me relaxed as his hands moved to join mine. He looked as he picked them up from my lap and held them, rubbing his thumb in a circular motion over my knuckles. I was transfixed on the motion, not noticing that he had moved to look at my face once again. I didn't want to tell him, to ask him what had happened for fear that I might lose control of myself again. Instead, I remained focussed on the way his hands massaged mine, as if he was drawing out all the angst and the pain that I had experienced in the last few minutes, hours, years.

"Your parents?" he asked after a while, catching me by surprise as I had all but forgotten everything except the contact between us and the closeness of his body to mine. I looked up into his eyes, unsure of what I was seeing. It looked like pain, and understanding. I nodded yes and he gave a slight nod in return.

"The people…"

"Are alive" he said, as if he knew that those two words were all it would take for my vision to come back into focus.

"Oh" I said, as more tears flowed. I was seriously starting to wonder how many tears a person could cry before they ran dry. I was beginning to think I would suffer from dehydration at this point. Christian released one of his hands as he caught the tear on his finger. He raised his finger to his mouth and sucked the moisture from it, as if my pain had now become his. All the while he looked into my eyes and I found myself not being able to look away. His head lowered to mine as he feathered light kisses on my eyes as they closed, almost instructing them to stop weeping. He moved higher to kiss my forehead and then back to my eyes again before lowering to my cheeks as my eyes remained closed. I felt a warmth in my chest, a yearning for something that I did not recognise. With every kiss that he planted on my face, I felt the feeling intensify. It was as if he had warmed the bitter cold that had swept through me on that evening, or maybe he reached deeper than that. I wouldn't let myself consider that possibility, not yet. He kissed my cheeks, each one in turn before he moved to the corner of my mouth. I held my breath as he moved around my lips, avoiding yet teasing them for a few moments before he moved to my jaw. I let out the breath that I was holding and he moved back to look at me again, his expression soft yet pained at what he had just allowed himself to do.

I thought back to the night in the restaurant and what he had said about himself. He was not a hearts and flowers guy, nor did he believe he was good for me. I was beginning to think he was right, but not for the reasons that he believed, whatever they were. I found myself comforted by his presence, by his words and gestures. I had revealed more and more of myself to him and obtained nothing in return except for a warning to stay away. What little I knew of him came from Elliot, but despite all that, I liked him more than I had ever before.

I suddenly felt exhausted at my thoughts and let my shoulder sag. Christian looked at me questioningly yet said nothing of it as he started to move away. He stood in front of me and held out his hand.

"Come," he said, and I obeyed as he led me into another room. I soon noticed that it was the bathroom. "Sit" he ordered, suddenly back in control and the same Christian that I recognised from our first few encounters. I sat on the chair that I was closest to and watched as he filled the bath with water. I was in no state to do any of this myself, and as he moved closer to me, I suddenly felt a little shy at him seeing my bathe _naked_.

"I won't take off your underwear," he said, as if he knew my thoughts. Of course he knew, I could barely stop the blush that filled my cheeks at my errant thoughts. I sighed in relief as he started to unbutton my blouse. I blushed further in spite of myself though as his fingers undid the buttons close to my breasts and saw him trying to contain his smirk. I rolled my eyes at him as a smile found my lips and if I hadn't been paying attention, would not have noticed the sudden molten darkness of his grey eyes before they softened again.

"You're coming back," he said. And it was true. I felt myself returning to normal as the numbness faded away, despite my tiredness. Christian's hands reached the bottom of the blouse and he pulled it out from my trousers before reaching up to my shoulder to push it off. I felt a tingle every time his hand made contact with my skin, sending small slivers of pleasure to the ever tightening core. The muscles on his neck strained slightly as he inhaled deeply, trying to hide the desire that was now pooling in his eyes. He moved to my feet to remove my shoes and my socks before returning to the button on my trousers. I felt my entire body flush as his hand made contact with my skin on my stomach, just above the button of the trousers. I heard his breath hitch at the same time as mine as the wetness that was now between my legs increased. I moved my hand quickly to stop him from continuing but one look and I knew to stop. I let it drop as he moved to the zipper and lowered it down very slowly, keeping his gaze locked on mine the whole time.

He ordered me to stand so he could remove the trousers but I hesitated.

"Could you please look away?"

He looked surprised and somewhat angry at my question before begrudgingly obliging. I quickly slipped off the trousers and stepped into the tub, the hot water instantly relaxing my muscles.

"Mmmm" I sighed in contentment. This is what I needed. I felt my eyes close as the bubbles surrounded me. My body slipped lower as my shoulders sank under the water. I all but forgot that Christian was still in the room when I opened my eyes to find him staring at me, his expression one of lust. He sat down next to the bath beside me without getting in himself as I saw softness in his face.

"Ana" he said softly. I looked at him, worried about what words were going to come next. I didn't want him to ask me what happened, I wasn't ready to tell him, at least not tonight. He looked back at me and I felt my eyes fall to the bubbles.

"Do you remember what happened?" he asked.

"Yes" I whispered. I remembered going for a walk and feeling calm before seeing the accident unfold. And then I can remember the ache in my chest as I broke down before calling Christian.

"Wait, how did you find me?" I asked, suddenly confused.

"I had my IT guy track your phone," he replied, showing no remorse. Any other time I might have been somewhat alarmed but I was glad that he did it. But that still didn't explain how he got to me so quickly.

"But weren't you in Seattle…" I drifted off, suddenly wondering where I was.

"I'm staying in Portland for business," he explained, an impassive look on his face.

"Where are we now?"

"The Heathman"

"Oh. How did I get here?" He looked at me slightly confused before his expression turn impassive again.

"You fainted and I carried you," he said, almost shy at his revelation. "You know you shouldn't be wandering around on your own at night, much less on Saturday night." There was my Christian again. Wait did I just think that? _My _Christian, the Christian that I was used to from our first encounter, controlling, dominating, utterly hot Christian?

"I wanted to go for a walk." He scoffed at my words.

"Anastasia anything could have happened to you! It's not safe." I felt like he was chastising me and I didn't like it. My stubbornness kicked in before I responded.

"But it didn't." It was true, nothing had actually happened to me physically. It was just the association of that accident to a memory that triggered my breakdown, and that wasn't the result of me walking alone.

"Anastasia" he said, his voice firm as if to tell me not to answer back. I didn't.

"You fainted, that could have been anyone who picked you up, not me. Do you know what time it was?" He asked. I nodded no.

"12am"

And I finally understood his concern. I had broken down in a public place with no one to help me, where anyone could have done what they wanted.

"Oh" I said quietly.

"Yes _oh"_ he said. I thought back to the feeling of numbness that I had before I found his eyes. He had carried me when I fainted and brought me back to his hotel. The sense of feeling light, of floating, that was because he was holding me, carrying me to his room. His words had been encouraging, calming as he brought me to his bed – it was his voice I heard. His voice had called to me and I wanted to respond to him, to tell him that I was ok, that his arms had provided me with the security and freedom I needed to feel like I could drift away. He called me baby as he lowered me to the bed. I panicked because he was letting me go. I lashed out because I didn't want to fall when leaving his arms and he stopped me. With just his eyes, he stopped me. I was screwed

"Thank you" I said, not making any eye contact with him. I played with the bubbles until one by one, they all but disappeared. Christian sat next to me the whole time, saying nothing. When my fingered had started to prune, he stood to get a towel before telling me to stand. I stood up and out of the bath as he wrapped the towel around me. I looked down, feeling the blush in my cheeks as he tucked the towel in a slight knot near my breast. I bit my lip to hide my embarrassment at being so easily affected by him and heard him gasp.

"Anastasia!" he said, almost desperate as his eyes darkened again. He moved his fingers to my lip and pulled it from the grasp of my teeth. His finger lingered for a brief while before he turned, his expression once again controlled.

"You will sleep in my bed" he said as he passed the door, leaving me with no choice but to obey. I followed him after a few moments and found a large t shirt on the bed. _Christian's shirt._ I thought as I lifted it up and held it against me. Next to them I saw his boxers and couldn't help the smile that swept across my face. I hurriedly took off my wet underwear and dried myself before putting on his boxers. I slid into the t shirt that came up to my thighs and moved to the bed. I was exhausted and could feel the drowsiness kick in. Before I could fall asleep, I felt the bed dip behind me and heat permeated my back once again. A strong arm rested on my waist as the hand moved to my own. I held on to it and squeezed tightly for a moment before I felt myself being pushed back into a warm embrace.

_I liked this feeling_ I thought.

_I felt safe_.

And with that thought, I fell asleep.


	8. Chapter eight: Little by little

:)

x Imtrying

* * *

**Chapter eight: little by little**

I opened my eyes and felt very confused as I woke up the following morning. I was lying on a very large bed surrounded by the most exquisitely decorated room. It took only a moment for me to remember I was at the Heathman, in Christian's clothes, on his bed. I sat up and looked to my side, wondering if I had dreamt him sleeping next to me. I felt surprisingly relaxed considering the night I had. It wasn't long before I was debating what I should say to Christian. I had planned on moving on, forgetting about him and staying away like he had instructed me to. Yet his was the first name I thought of when I needed someone to call. And I enjoyed the way he took care of. I would have to tell him at least a little of what happened even though he hadn't asked himself, it wasn't fair of me to allow him to do what he done for me without giving him a reason. Despite this, I knew I had to tread carefully, to not give more of myself than I already had. I still knew next to nothing about him.

I was staring into space when Christian walked into the room. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was close to 10 o'clock. He wore navy trousers and shirt to match. I looked at him, starting from his legs and let my eyes wonder upwards. His legs looked muscular yet lean, and the way the trousers hung on his waist emphasised his honed in physique. He had a narrow waist compared to his chest and broad shoulders. The way the shirt hugged his upper body did nothing to help the fluttering of my core as my eyes moved to his arms. He had rolled his sleeves up, leaving me with a view of his forearms. How could I not have noticed them before? They were extremely toned, the muscles tight and the colour evenly spread except for the occasional vein that ran down the length of his arm. It was the most alluring sight I had ever seen as my eyes rose further still. His hair looked like his fingers had run through it multiple times and his face…his face was as gorgeous as ever. He looked back at me and I snapped out of my daze, realising that he had been looking at me with a smirk on his face as I blatantly checked him out.

"See something you like Miss Steele?" he asked as he walked towards the bed, never taking his eyes off me. I looked down and felt the heat turn my cheeks pink, loving the way he called my name. I couldn't find the words to say to him so I stayed silent in the hope that he would change the topic.

"If I'm not mistaken Miss Steele, I'd say you liked something very much." I blushed even more as a groan escaped my lips. I risked taking a glance at him and found his eyes dancing with humour as amusement lighted his face. I laughed at his playfulness before collapsing on the bed and covering my face with my arm.

"Sorry." I said, not for looking at him, but for getting caught. And for being so affected by him.

"Don't be," he replied, surprising me as he did so, so I removed my arm from my face and looked at him. His eyes had turned dark as he looked into mine and I could hear the slight change in his breathing as his gaze lowered to my mouth. I didn't realise I had been biting my lip again.

"You're biting your lip again."

"I'll stop" I said, after releasing it from my teeth.

"Don't" he said, as a slight chill went down my spine. I could feel myself getting wet at the way his tone changed, from soft to commanding. "It's just that I want to bite it too."

I gasped at his words and knew that as much as I may have wanted to, I couldn't stop the steady desire that was now building within me. I thought back to our first kiss, the way his lips caressed mine as his tongue explored my mouth. I looked up at him, wondering if he was thinking the same thing too and noticed his eyes were now looking much lower. I followed the direction of his gaze and noticed my nipples standing erect through his t shirt. I hugged the sheets and pulled them up to my chin, holding on tight. He looked at me and I could tell that he was affected as I was, lust emanating from him as my chest began to rapidly rise and fall. I suddenly felt very shy at the way he was looking at me, like the way his eyes penetrated to the core, exposing my innermost thoughts, I felt the way he looked at my body exposed yet another part of me that I had not let anyone explore. It was unnerving so I clutched at straws trying to think of a change in topic.

"I need some clothes" I murmured, effectively breaking the spell that we were just under. I had sat in bed long enough and needed to get back to the apartment.

"Taylor brought some clothes for you this morning."

"Who's Taylor?" I asked, remembering Christian mention him during our meeting in the café.

"My head of security." _Not a girlfriend_ _then_ I thought. He noticed me sighing as he gestured to the bag by the bed. "They're in the bag. We'll have breakfast and I can take you home."

I frowned, suddenly feeling like I had been dismissed. I felt myself internally chastising myself again for getting ahead of myself, for thinking that he would want anything more to do with me. Not wanting to accept the clothes freely, I told him I'd pay him back.

"Anastasia, you will accept the clothes as they are. They are a gift," he said, clearly offended that I would suggest such a thing.

"A gift?" I said, sceptically. Why would he buy me gifts if he didn't want me around? "Yes, a gift. You needed clothes, I got them for you. Well rather, Taylor did but either way, you will take them and I won't hear another word about it." His tone was commanding now, and the way he spoke told me that I wasn't going to win this argument. I didn't want him to buy things for me, there was nothing between us that would warrant that. I liked him, but he clearly didn't like or want me, not in the way that I wanted him. And him buying gifts for me made me feel worse as I considered how unequal this non-relationship was.

He noticed the change in my attitude as I asked him to give me privacy. The energy that I had when I woke up had suddenly disappeared as my feelings and emotions fluctuated between lust, fear, happiness and regret. He didn't say anything, but with his demeanour visibly different, walked out of the room. I don't know how he did that, how he could switch so easily from one emotion to another. He seemed calm and collected, in stark contrast to what I was.

I looked into the bag and found a pair of jeans and a blue blouse. Beneath those, Taylor had brought me some underwear too. I blushed at the thought of him having to buy these for me, even more so when I found they were all a perfect fit. I walked into the bathroom and looked at my reflection. I looked a mess, I don't know how Christian could have been so affected by me. My hair was unruly and my eyes only slightly puffy from all the crying. I quickly ran my fingers through my hair before I walked out of the bathroom and the bedroom and into a large expansive space.

I found Christian sitting on a stool by the breakfast bar with an assortment of different foods. I walked to a stool, choosing one that ensured we kept a distance between us and sat down, all the while avoiding looking at him. I picked up the plate and chose to eat some omelette with an orange juice. It was delicious.

"You know I don't bite." he repeated the words he had said in the café, obviously referring to the fact that I had sat so far away from him. I looked at him unsure what to respond. "The blouse looks lovely against your skin" he said, of course making me blush.

"Thank you," I said, a little annoyed, though more at myself than at him. I didn't understand what he wanted from me. "The omelette is delicious."

"I didn't know what you wanted so I ordered a bit of everything," he explained as he looked at me, forcing me to squirm in my seat.

I simply replied "this is perfect," and took a sip of my juice.

"Anastasia," he called in that commanding tone again. I didn't want to look at him, I wasn't sure what I would find if I did.

"Yes?" I said softly.

"Look at me."

"I don't want to." I could feel him move closer and saw his hand come up to my face.

"Please don't" I said, just as his finger reached my chin.

"Don't what?" he asked, keeping his hand against my chin for a moment before dropping it again.

"Don't do this. I know I've broken down in front of you twice now and I'm quite aware of how much I inconvenienced you in doing so - "

"- Ana…" he interrupted

"No don't, let me finish," I knew that if he spoke, I wouldn't be able to finish what I wanted to say. "I really appreciate what you did for me. You haven't asked me any questions about why I have reacted the way I did so I just thought I'd tell you what little I can at the moment. My parents died in a car accident and it…it still hurts me. I don't let people in easily, and so for you to know such personal things about me already it…well quite frankly it scares the shit out of me." I looked up to see surprise register on his face at my swearing. I looked back down to my fingers that were now interlocked in my lap and continued. "I feel like you know more about me than I do about you, which shows that you don't want me to know you, and I get that, I really do. You've seen me at my worst and I'm so thankful to you for helping me through it but I promise you I won't bother you again." I let out a big sigh and kept my head lowered for what seemed like ages. When he didn't say anything, I knew that my thoughts were confirmed, that he agreed with me. Not wanting to stay here for a minute longer than necessary, I stood up, leaving my half eaten breakfast on the worktop.

"I'll call a cab, you don't have to take me," I said, as my voice wavered a little. Perhaps it was the emotional stress of the past few weeks, the memories, the exams, leaving the bookstore. Yes, that's what it was, the changes, I was just reacting to the changes. It was silly of me to be so upset at being rejected _yet again_ by someone who at best I could say I lusted after. And it was silly of me, at a time where I was clearly dealing with my hurt, to be thinking of a guy.

"Anastasia" he said, his voice firm again. I didn't stop to look back. I walked around the room, looking for my phone and found it on a cabinet near the door.

"Please just let me go," I pleaded as I felt him behind me. I felt his hands on my sides as he gripped tightly and pulled me back against his front. His arms circled around my waist, effectively trapping me, preventing me from moving at all. I froze and my body tensed at the contact. I didn't want to react to him, react to his touch or his words but it was useless. My body tingled in every place that I felt his touch. I heard him inhale as he smelt my hair, then felt his head lower so he could whisper in my ear.

"I thought I told you not to run away from me." His breath tickled my ear as a shiver ran down my back. He loosened his grip ever so slightly only to turn me around abruptly so that I was facing him. My eyes immediately found his and I struggled to look away. I could feel how my body moulded against his and felt the blush creep up my cheeks and without thinking, bit my lip. He looked at me intently, a mixture of anger, fear and lust filling his eyes. Before I knew what was happening, his lips crushed to mine as he kissed me with fervour, his tongue willing me to respond as his hands remained around the small of my back. I moved my hands up to his chest, trying to buckle him off but it only caused him to try harder. I was losing the willpower to reject him, I didn't want to reject him but he could so easily reject me. I pulled my head back, and in the brief second that I had the opportunity, whispered to him.

"Please stop."

He stilled immediately and pulled back himself. "Why?" he asked, "I can see how your body responds to me Anastasia, I know you want this." He was about to lower his head again.

"You're going to break me," I said, quick as I could.

He let go completely upon hearing those words. He stared at me, a look of anguish on his face as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Is that what you think?" he spoke in a very soft voice.

"When you kissed me the first time…" I shook my head as if to shake off the memory and looked to the floor, "…I admit I liked it, more than liked it. Even now I reacted in the same way." I looked up at him. "I'm not someone whose feelings you can play with. I mean I don't even know you and already you're confusing me! You might have other women throw themselves at you but that's not me. I won't be tossed aside once you've decided you've had enough."

"Ana" he said as he slowly walked towards me. I looked away and took a step back as he reached me. He stopped just a few inches away from me.

"I like seeing you." I closed my eyes as I felt the tears collect once more. "Ana?" I nodded, as if to tell him not to do or say anything. "Baby look at me"

I couldn't. _But he called me baby_. When I wouldn't listen to him, he put his hands on either side of my face and wiped the tear that had fallen on my cheek with his thumb. I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me.

"Hey" he said.

Hey? After all we'd said, he answered with _hey?_ I giggled at him and watched as his expression changed from worry to amusement.

"Something funny Miss Steele?" I couldn't stop the giggles that were coming out and pulled back from his grasp. It wasn't long before the giggles turned into laughter and the laughter turned uncontrollable as I held my stomach to stop the pain from laughing so hard. I keeled over and curled up on the floor, still laughing hysterically. I didn't even look at Christian, he probably thought I had finally lost my mind. Maybe I had, I wasn't sure, but I hadn't laughed like this in years, not since before the...since before.

I finally stopped laughing and lay on the floor until my breathing returned to normal. He sat down next to me and I rose to meet him so that we were sitting next to each other side by side but facing each other. He looked at me confused.

"Hey? After everything I tell you, you say hey?"

"What's funny about that?" he asked despite letting out a chuckle. His chuckle faded and he turned serious once again. "Ana I don't know what I said to make you react the way you did. What changed between the bedroom and you coming to the kitchen that you felt I was pushing you away? I could see you were acting different."

I looked away as I spoke. "It was just how quickly you seemed to dismiss me, like you couldn't get rid of me quick enough."

"When did I do that?"

"When you said I should get changed and have breakfast so you could take me home. I thought you were just waiting for me to hurry up so you didn't have to have anything to do with me anymore." I could feel more voice getting quieter and quieter with each sentence. "You've already told me to stay away from you once."

"Yes I did." I turned to look at him as he spoke. His words were honest and sincere. "I didn't tell you to stay away because of who you are, it's because I know I'm know good for you. You're so innocent in some ways and troubled in others that I could only fuck your life up even more. I'm a heartless monster Anastasia, and I feel selfish in wanting someone like you."

I was shocked. This was more than he had said to me in all the time I had known him and I struggled to get two sentences together to say to him.

"But you're wrong. I wasn't dismissing you."

"You weren't?"

"No, I've wanted you since that first day I saw you" I felt my chest expand at his words.

"I don't think you're heartless, or a monster."

"You don't know me very well."

"I know how you've looked after me, made me feel safe." He looked at me warily before returning to his signature expression of complete control.

"Yes well, it doesn't matter now anyway, it took all my energy to stay away from you, I don't think I could do it again."

This was news to me. He wanted me? My head was spinning, overflowing with too many thoughts as I processed what he said.

"I don't want you to stay away." I admitted. It wasn't so difficult to say out loud as I thought it would be. I thought I would feel afraid, or nervous, as if I had shown him a weakness of mine that he would exploit but I didn't. I actually felt a little relieved, elated that he seemingly wanted me as much as did him.

"You don't know what you're saying. You don't want to be associated with a messed up person like me."

"We all have our issues." I said. I could feel his reluctance and before I knew it, was telling him about myself. "I'm scared to let anyone in because I'm scared of losing them the way I lost my parents."

He looked at me, and held his gaze for what seemed like forever, his expression unreadable. It was as if he was debating whether or not he could trust me, or whether he felt ready to tell me his fears.

"Has Elliot told you about my adoption?"

I nodded. "Only that you were adopted when you were four."

"He didn't tell you what happened before that, with my birth mother."

"No" I said, suddenly realising the pain in his eyes.

"My birth mother was a crack whore. She didn't care about me, didn't give a fuck, just wanted her next fucking fix. Her pimp used to beat the shit out of me, and her, but she didn't do anything about it, she just let him. She eventually killed herself of a drug overdose. I was left in the apartment with her body, took them four days to find me. I was so hungry I survived on frozen peas. If it weren't for Grace finding and adopting me I don't know what would have happened."

I looked at him, completely horrified that someone could do this to a child. I didn't see the confident Christian in front of me, I saw a scared man who had scars far deeper than mine could ever run. I didn't say anything, just linked my fingers with his.

"Anyway, it left me pretty fucked up. I have many…issues…and I'm pretty sure soon you'll hate me and leave me." He said the last part quietly and looked at me before the mask returned. I couldn't process what he had just said. He was afraid that someone was going to leave him, just like I was. It was like I had found someone who shared my pain, albeit a different kind.

"Take the plunge." I told him. He looked at me and his eyebrows rose, surprised that I had chosen those words. "You told me you agreed with me when I said take the plunge. Take it with me."

What was I letting myself in for? Was I ready for this, did I want to get close to another person only to risk them being taken away from me? I tried considering the alternative, that I didn't want anything to do with Christian but the more I considered it, the more I realised I would be lying to myself if I said that. It felt right to want to be with him, to place my trust in him and for now, that's all that mattered. I had shied away for too long, and for the first time in years, I felt I was ready to take the plunge.

Christian looked at me but didn't say anything. I looked down and bit my lip, knowing how it affected him and it seemed to work. His lips were on mine within seconds. This kiss wasn't like the first. His lips were demanding, controlling, drawing out pleasure from me as his hand moved to the small of my back again. He used his other hand to pull my leg over his so I was straddling his lap before returning it to my back. I felt my hands move up towards his hair, running my fingers through it and tugging at it in sync with the pressure he was placing his tongue on mine. A guttural groan emanated from him, sending shockwaves of pleasure through me. I could feel his erection growing beneath me as we grew breathless and he took the opportunity again to bite my bottom lip. I groaned. I kissed him again, crushing my body against his as my tongue found his and then abruptly stopped. I moved my lips down his mouth and his jaw before running my teeth along it. He moaned at the new sensation and cupped my face with one hand to bring it back up to level with his, leaving me with pent up desire and a dampness between my legs.

"Ana," he said, his voice raspy. I was about to respond but I heard a coughing coming from the end of the room. A tall stern looking man stood there, staring at us both.

"Ana this is Taylor, Taylor this is Anastasia Steele."

"Ma'am, it's nice to meet you" he said as he bowed his head. I didn't like being called ma'am, it made me feel old.

"Nice to meet you too, but please call me Ana. Ma'am makes me feel like I'm an old lady." He looked uncomfortable at my request but nodded slightly and then turned his attention to Christian.

"Sir your mother called, is expecting you at lunch today. And your brother called asking Miss Steele to call her friend. Apparently she is beside herself with worry."

Oh no Kate! I forgot to tell her where I was, she must be so mad at me right now.

"Christian we have to go, she's going to kill me for not telling her where I was last night! And then bring me back and kill me again for not telling her about you!"

Christian chuckled at my panic and held on to me as he stood up, my legs still around his waist. I relaxed them and slid down his body, the blush heating my cheeks. He smirked at me and looked to Taylor.

"Have the car ready Taylor, we're ready to go."

"Sir" and with that he left.

"Does Elliot know about us?" I asked, suddenly feeling nervous. Why would I feel nervous at people knowing? I wasn't nervous about Christian, nor did I question whether I trusted Kate or Elliot for that matter. I just felt safer knowing that whatever was being me and Christian would stay that way, that being with him meant him staying in my bubble, not me leaving it.

"No, but I suspect he's going to find out. Come I'll take you home."

I placed my hand in his and followed him. He got his phone and handed me mine before heading into the elevator. I could feel the electricity humming around us as I peeked up at him through my hair. He looked back down at me, obviously feeling what I was feeling as his expression darkened. I could feel my heart rate quicken as he leaned closer to me and I felt myself fall back against the wall. He placed a hand at either side of my head, not allowing me anywhere to go. My chest was heaving by now and my breathing erratic. He leaned in and brushed his lips against mine before stepping back. Just then, the elevator doors opened and he stepped back, holding his hand out to me to lead me out. I just looked at him whilst he looked smug and reluctantly put my hand in his.

"Tease" I muttered under my breath. He heard me as his expression darkened with desire.

"Oh baby, you have no idea." My breath hitched at his statement as he led me to the car. He opened the door for me as I climbed in. I buckled up before he got into his side and he buckled up too. We held hands the entire journey, not saying anything until we got close to the apartment.

"Brace yourself, Kate can be quite ruthless."

"Yes I can recall a few rather probing questions at our interview" he said, referring to the question about him being gay. I blushed as I remembered I had asked him that too.

"She wasn't the only one who asked that." He looked at me, smirking before asking.

"Are you still unsure about the answer?" I blushed even further.

"Nope, I'm quite certain now." I said, looking down at my lap to hide my face from his.

"Don't look down" he said, his voice firm. "I like seeing you." I felt my breaths come faster as his finger brushed my cheek. He looked at me for a second before unbuckling our belts and coming around to open my door. I stepped out and held his hand before walking up to the door.

"ANA!" I heard Kate shout as she came running down. "Where the hell have you been?! I've been worried sick about you!" I gripped Christian's hand tighter and he tightened it briefly, letting me know he was right with me. Kate continued to shout until she saw me standing there, hand in hand with Christian.

"Where did y - "

She looked at me and then at Christian, and then at me. She looked to our hands then to my face again, clearly in shock.

"Woo way to go bro!" I heard from Elliot as he walked behind Kate.

"Fuck off Lelliot" I heard Christian say, in a seriousness tone though it sounded more like banter. Kate didn't look amused.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," she said. I knew that this time, she wouldn't let it go.

"Well I gotta go, parents are expecting us so…" Elliot gave Kate a quick kiss before leaving "Laters baby"

He smirked at me and then mock punched Christian on the shoulder as he walked to his truck. I looked at Kate who seemed worried and upset at the same time that I had kept something from her.

"Well?" she said.

"Let's talk inside," I said then turned to say bye to Christian. "I'll see you soon?"

"Of course" he said, with a huge smile on his face. He looked at Kate then asked "Will you be alright?"

"Yep" I said.

"Ok, laters baby" he said. It was so unlike him to say it yet suited him perfectly. I giggled and he gave me a quick chaste kiss before walking away. I let him leave before I turned to go back into the apartment to talk to Kate. She looked at me surprised at the little exchange between me and Christian, before walking off ahead of me. I sighed.

This was going to be a long talk.


	9. Chapter nine: The Kavanagh Inquisition

Unsure about my writing in this one. Hope you like it.

x Imtrying

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**Chapter nine: The Kavanagh Inquisition**

I walked into the apartment and found Kate in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. She asked if I wanted one and I declined, suddenly feeling nervous about what she would say.

"So… Christian Grey?"

She went straight to the point. I stood there, looking at her as she just stared at me with an impassive expression on her face. The anger, hurt and surprise that she was showing not long ago had all but disappeared as she put on her poker face and waited for me to answer.

"Yeah" I said, my voice quiet.

"Oh come on Ana! You're gone for the whole night then turn up the following morning with Christian freakin' Grey holding hands as if you're in second fucking grade. What gives?"

Her voice was getting louder and louder as she finished her sentence. I lowered my gaze and tried to figure out how best I could tell her.

"Do you remember the guy I ran into when I came home crying from the bookstore?" I asked. She looked at me a little confused, wondering why on earth I would change the subject before realisation kicked in. I could see the moment that the penny dropped.

"You ran into Christian Grey?" she asked, as if she knew that was just the beginning of the story. Kate knew I had issues trusting new people and opening up, so for me to turn up with Christian the way I did made her extremely suspicious.

"Yes"

"And you didn't think to tell me at the time?"

"Kate I was upset, besides I didn't even know who he was. I only just found out his name the next day when he found me in the…er.." I hadn't told Kate about the meeting at the café, or the dinner we had. Her eyes widened as she realised I had been holding back on her this whole time. She looked hurt, which only made me feel worse. She slammed the mug on to the counter and walked past me to the lounge as she started pacing up and down.

"What happened at the café?" she said, her voice calm but her emotions anything but. After a moment of silence she continued. "Well? Are you going to tell me what's going on or shall we just stand here and look at each other?"

"I…" I wanted to tell her but I faltered. I couldn't get the words past my mouth and I had no idea why.

"Ok, fine," she said in response to my stuttering. "I'm going out." She took the keys that were on the table and made her way to the door.

"Wait Kate, please!" She turned around and looked at me.

"Why?" I could see that the mask was starting to slip as Kate continued to speak. Her voice wavered a little, telling me that she was struggling to contain her anger. "After all this time you still don't trust me do you? I have never once pushed you because I knew you wouldn't like it. I didn't make you come with me to a club, or…or dinner with friends and I never forced you to talk about your parents. I respected your boundaries and changed my own plans so that you wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I mean fine, I'm glad you've come out of your shell a little bit but you know what? I'm pissed as hell at you right now. I asked you what was wrong at the café and you didn't tell me about seeing him then."

She's right, I didn't. But I was so confused I didn't know what to say to her.

"I heard you crying a few days later," she said, her voice softer. She must have seen the surprise on my face as she said that because I didn't even know she was home. I knew the night she was talking about was when I walked away from Christian at the restaurant. I looked down, not able to look at her any longer out of guilt. "I felt like I was a terrible friend to you because I was so happy with Elliot and you were so down."

"Really?" That made me feel worse. " I'm so sorry Kate I didn't realise you heard me."

"Yeah I heard you" she said, exasperated, as she nodded her head. "I was talking to Elliot on the phone and I heard you come in and go straight to your room. You didn't think I was home." She walked back from the door and dropped the keys on the table again, sighing before she sat down. I slowly sat down on the couch opposite her. She held her head in her hands and rubbed her face before looking directly at me. "I waited you know, outside your door? I didn't know why you were crying or if you wanted someone there. I can never tell, so I waited. I waited until I heard you stop crying and then when I thought you had fallen asleep I went in and covered you with a blanket."

The tears started to roll down my cheeks at hearing her. I didn't know that she cared so much about me, that she heard me cry more than once, and that she tried to be there for me, despite how hard I had pushed her away. She stayed.

I had been an awful friend. I didn't even know the things she had done for me, the way she had changed her plans on my account or the way she looked after me. It was clear that she genuinely cared. In all the time I had known her, she had shared information about herself, her family, her latest date or her dreams. She had even invited me to attend dinner with her family at Christmas because she didn't want me to be alone. I rejected her offer, not wanting to intrude but I appreciated it all the same. I had been so stuck in my own world though that I hadn't considered how my actions were affecting her. She had been a brilliant friend to me yet I couldn't say the same about myself.

"I'm so sorry Kate I'm such a horrible friend. You've been so good to me and I've just used you." I may not have done it intentionally, but that's exactly what I did. I let her comfort me and cheer me up me when I needed it yet kept my distance the rest of the time.

"You haven't used me Ana, at least not intentionally. I always knew where I stood with you – still stand" she corrected herself and looked down at her lap before she continued. "You know Ana, I have felt sorry for you. Losing your parents like that, I can't imagine how you must have felt. But you're missing so much around you because you're focussing all your energy on your hurt and pain and in pushing people away, keeping them at arm's length."

"I know but I really am trying. I told you, I've fallen so hard I don't know how to get back up" I said, pleading almost as if to get her to understand and not be mad at me.

She looked up at me as I finished saying that and I could see that I would have a lot of making up to do. I had never seen Kate this hurt before, or maybe I hadn't ever paid attention.

"I get that. I do, I just…." she threw her hands up in frustration "…I just want you to appreciate what you have ok? I'm not mad at you for keeping things from me, that's up to you. I just feel…I guess I feel hurt that after everything I've tried to do to get you to open up, you throw it in my face. I mean you disappeared for the whole night, leaving me worried sick and don't even bother to call or text. Do you really think no one loves you Ana, that no one would be concerned if something had happened to you? I was close to calling the cops! I hate seeing you so sad all the time but you're the closest friend I've ever had. Jose! Jose loves you too, hell even Ethan likes you more than he likes me!"

That made me giggle. Ethan was her older brother and had been coming to see Kate randomly whilst we were at university. Kate looked at me and smiled.

"We really love you ok, and we want you to be ok. And to tell us if you plan on spending the night with Christian Grey." We laughed at that. "And for you to trust us alright?" she said, serious again.

"Ok" I said, as if I was a small child being taught some manners.

"And stop doing that, stop retreating into yourself every time someone calls you up on something. It's not your fault, but you can change it so work on it. Don't beat yourself up about it."

"Ok!" I said firmer, in a mock salute, laughing as I did so. She laughed with me.

"Uh huh, and while I have your cooperation, I want you to do something for me ok?"

I looked at her warily, knowing she was up to something by the look of mischief that appeared on her face.

"What?" I asked.

"I want details." Aaand she was back, there was the Kate I knew.

"Oh Kaaate," I said, moaning as I used my hand to hide the blush on my cheeks. It was too late though, she saw it and started to ask even more questions.

"What?" she said, too innocently. "Ok, ok but I'm just asking as a friend, you know one who is very concerned." I looked at her and laughed.

"Uh huh, and why might you be concerned?"

She walked over to the couch and sat next to me, holding my hand as if she had to say something really serious.

"Ok, don't be upset but I have to ask this ok?"

"Ok?" I said questioningly, unsure about what to expect.

"Have you kissed a guy before?"

I burst out laughing at her, and judging by the look on her face, could tell that she was genuinely unsure about what answer I would give her. I debated teasing her for a while but decided against it.

"Of course I have", I said still laughing. Her shoulders sagged in relief at the thought.

"Well thank fuck!"

"Kate!"

"What? I'm sorry but you've been living like a nun. I just had to make sure. I would've helped you if you needed it."

I looked at her, open mouthed in shock. She was deadly serious.

"You would've helped me?"

"Well yeah" she said, as if it was the most casual conversation in the world. "I mean obviously not with demonstrating but if you had any questions, I would have answered them for you. Oh…" she said, remembering something. I don't think I wanted to know what it was. "And if you need to talk about sex, I'm here for that too."

I started to blush and Kate being Kate, she continued to talk about it despite the fact that I was feeling more and more awkward by the second. "…positions and how to move your tongue so you can really give him the best…"

"AAAH LA LA LA LA" I shouted as my hands went to cover my ears and my eyes closed for a brief second. When I opened them again, she had stopped talking and was staring at me looking very amused.

"Too much?" she asked.

"Too much!" I said as we laughed. I hadn't ever had this with Kate, just sitting and talking like normal friends would. I looked at her and knew then that there was only one thing I could do to regain her trust.

"You know he's a great kisser. I mean in the elevator…." I said casually. I didn't have a chance to finish before her eyes widened in surprise and she shouted.

"WHAT?"

I tried to act innocent, as if it was inconsequential. I stood up and walked to the kitchen, and put water in the kettle to boil it to make myself a cup of tea. I had to walk away just to hide the smile on my face from her.

"Ana you little slut!" she said as she giggled. "The elevator? What the hell did you do in the elevator?"

She was looking at me hungrily for any bit of information that I could provide. I continued with my charade of nonchalance.

"Oh nothing really, I mean the kiss before that when we were on the floor was more intense than that." I shrugged and turned around to get the teabag from the cupboard.

When I turned back around, her mouth was opened wide as she stood there gaping at me. "Anastasia Steele you are going to sit down and tell me every sordid detail. I can't believe you held out on me," she said, feigning hurt as I put the tea bag in the cup. I looked at her and smiled. I was quite enjoying this.

"Held out on you? Kate I wouldn't hold out on you." I tried to contain my laughter at the next sentence that I knew would tip her over the edge. "No, I wouldn't do that. Holding out on you would mean not telling you that I kissed him outside a restaurant too. Actually no, scrap that, holding out on you would be not telling you I slept in his bed as he spooned me." I poured the now boiled water into the cup, picked it up and walked to my room. I left her standing at the counter in shock as she registered what I had just said.

5… 4… 3… 2… 1

"ANASTASIA ROSE STEELE! You get back here RIGHT. THIS. INSTANCE!"

And that was it. I couldn't stop laughing as I walked back into the kitchen, still holding my tea. I put it down before I spilt it and just looked at her as she laughed with me.

"Unbelievable you are," she said, still laughing.

"It was worth it just to see the look on your face" I said as I let out one last chuckle. Kate looked at me and I could tell it had worked. We were back to normal. No we were better than that, and I found myself wanting to share more with her.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I really was confused."

She sighed. "I know, it's ok. You're telling me now."

"Yes I am. What else do you want to know?" One again I had surprised her and saw her eyes light up at the opportunity to get more out of me.

"What's he like as a kisser? No wait, what happened at the café – hey wait a minute is that why he wasn't mad about me being late? It was! It was because of you! Ana he really likes you! Has he taken you on a date? Do you like him? Oh my gosh you think he's hot! You said he's hot, I remember! Geez Ana, you don't date at all then date a hunk like him. What did you do yesterday, was he a good spooner?"

The questions came out so fast that my brain barely had a chance to process them. "Woah slow down!" I laughed at her excitement. "One at a time, and take a breath, I could barely catch a word of that."

"Sorry, I'm just excited. You know I really did think he was gay." I blushed at that, remembering what he had said in the car.

"Yeah well, he most definitely isn't"

She laughed at me. "You know you're gonna have to work on your blushing, I don't know what you're thinking but I can tell it's not good." I blushed even more and hid my face.

"I know, he says that to me as well." I thought back to our conversation and what Kate said about him hiding something.

"Hey do you still think he's hiding something? I can remember you said it after the interview."

"What about being gay?" I nodded "Well, yeah, not gonna lie to you Steele. He's insanely good looking and hasn't had a girlfriend? I find it hard to believe he's a virgin."

_I don't do the girlfriend thing_. Christian's words come screaming back to me and I start to wonder what exactly it is that he does if he's not celibate.

"Hey, snap out of it woman" I heard Kate say.

"Sorry"

"Don't worry about it. Could be nothing, just a feeling I have. But I want you to be careful ok? I mean from what I've seen, the guy is a super control-freak, and expects people to just fall at his feet. Most of the time he doesn't even have to ask, people just drop like flies around him."

I thought about Jerry and the waitress and knew she was right.

"Just be careful ok, I know you like him and from what I saw before, he's totally into you. But he's an intense guy and you're so innocent so trust your instincts and keep your guard up until he's worthy of getting past it."

"Alright I will, though he's already seen it down a little." I admit.

"What do you mean?" Kate replied, frowning.

"Well the first day he saw me cry, the second day I practically ran after him and told him I don't like looking him in the eye cos it frightens me, makes me nervous. The third time I let him kiss me, and then last night he kinda saw me breakdown and came to get me after I called him."

Kate looked at me confused and shocked. This had all happened in the space of two or so weeks. I told her everything from what happened outside the bookstore up to the morning including the kisses and the elevator ride. I left out the part about Christian's childhood, not wanting to betray his trust.

"You call him Christian?" she said, after I explained it all.

"You got _that_ from everything I said?"

"Well…yeah. When I was in the building it was Mr Grey or sir, literally everyone said it."

"That's different, he's their boss."

"Yeah but even in the interview, I asked him to call me Kate and he just kept saying Miss Kavanagh, frustrating as hell if you ask me, but then he didn't say 'call me Christian'. Anyway, he sounds like a completely different person from what you've said."

"He's been so good to me already and I can't help but feel..." I trailed off before I finished my sentence. Kate looked at me and willed me to finish. I shrugged as I said it.

"Inadequate."

"Ana! Come on you're a total babe! You're amazing and sounds like you already trust him so don't doubt yourself ok. He really likes you, an idiot could see that." I wasn't convinced.

"But he's an amazing gorgeous billionaire and I'm a student whose graduation is in four days with no job and a hell of a lot of baggage."

"Ok firstly, almost every single person in the United States has less money than Christian Grey. Second, you're still young and you've got time to do whatever you want to do with your life. Don't sell yourself short, you're amazing at anything you put your mind to. And third, you know he'll be at graduation right?"

"Yeah right" I scoffed. "He'll come to cheer me on. I'm not going anyway."

"Well, sorry to break it to you but he's not going for you. He'll be handing out the certificates."

"What?" I said, my pitch a little too high.

"He didn't tell you?"

"Nope." I said. He probably thought I already knew.

"Still not going?" Kate said with a smirk.

"Kate, you know why I can't go. It's just too much."

"Ana, your parent's would want you to go. Were they happy at your last graduation?" I thought back to their faces as I graduated high school. They were so happy I thought their cheeks would crack from smiling so much.

"Yeah" I said, quietly.

"They would have been happy at this too."

"Yeah I guess." I said. Kate could see I was in thinking mode so she didn't say anything else.

"Ok, I'm gonna order pizza."

"I's not even noon Kate."

"It's never too early for pizza and a movie, come on." I begrudgingly moved to the couch and sat down. We spent the rest of the day eating until we were stuffed and watching mindless TV. We spoke about our plans for tomorrow and Tuesday and the last minute packing we had to do. Since graduation was on Wednesday, we had to have everything done by Tuesday night before the removal van came on Thursday morning.

Christian texted me throughout the day, asking how I was and making sure Kate wasn't giving me a hard time. I asked him about lunch and he said he would much rather spend the time with me. I didn't know how to tell him to value the time he has with his family but loved the sentiment anyhow.

"Hello Anastasia" he said as I called him. I was in my pyjamas and ready for bed but couldn't resist hearing his voice one last time before I went to sleep.

"Hi, how was your day?"

"Boring, how was yours?"

"It was good actually. I learnt some very interesting information about you today My Grey." I said, in a half teasing tone. He immediately turned wary.

"What information?" he said, almost forcefully. I was confused, what could he possibly be worried about?

"That you'll be at graduation on Wednesday" I said. I heard him sigh as his voice returned to normal.

"Yes I am, it'll be great to see you blush on stage when you shake my hand, knowing I'd rather be doing much more." He spoke in a seductive way and I immediately felt my legs dampen and my cheeks redden. My breathing was embarrassingly loud and I'm sure he heard it through the phone. "I know you're blushing right now." I looked down feeling shy, even though he wasn't in front of me.

"I'm not going." I said quietly, trying to focus.

"Why not?" he said, the tone of his voice changing. "You've worked hard, you deserve it."

"I can't"

"Why not?" he asked, pressing harder.

"My parents erm… the last time I saw them…"

"It was your high school graduation," he said, his tone softened.

"Yeah." I replied meekly.

"You should go baby. They'd be so proud of you." Why does he have to call me baby? It affects me too much.

"Yeah." I didn't know what else to say. I know they would be.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he said, suddenly changing topic.

"Packing, why?"

"I'm taking you out to dinner," he said, leaving no room for negotiation.

"In Portland?" I asked.

"Not telling, is that a yes?"

"I hate surprises"

"You'll love this one baby, trust me." He said, suggestively. I felt breathing change again. "I'll pick you up at 6.30." Once again he left me no choice.

"Ok." I said, stifling a yawn.

"You're tired, you should go to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow Miss Steele."

"Ok, Goodnight Christian."

"Goodnight baby. Sweet dreams."

The phone cut off and I lay there for a few minutes to reflect on the day before I went to sleep. I felt the nerves creep in and made a mental note to ask Kate for help. I had a date with Christian Grey, and I didn't have a clue what to do.


	10. Chapter ten: An evening of firsts

Wow, thank you so much everyone for your views, reviews and support - they are much appreciated :)

This is my first time writing anything of this nature so please go easy on me!

x ImTrying

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**Chapter ten: An evening of firsts**

Last night was the worst night's sleep I'd had in a long time. The butterflies that had found my stomach decided to stay there and fluttered every time I remembered I had a date with Christian. It would be different to any encounter I had experienced with him already, even though I had kissed and slept next to him. A date carries with it different rules, expectations, and outcomes, outcomes that could lead to something I had never done before.

Being a virgin at my age was a novelty, or so I had been told, but whilst it never bothered me before, it certainly bothered me now - especially if Christian did eventually want to take things further. It wasn't that I would reject to it, because in all honesty, he was the only person that had got me flustered with just one kiss. It was more the fact that I didn't know whether I could let someone see me in such an intimate way, even if Christian had already been shown more of my personal moments than anyone else. It seemed to be an act so intimate that I knew if I was to go through with it, I wouldn't be able to look at him the same way again. I would be too far gone in my likeness for him, and wouldn't be able to find a way back.

And so the thoughts continued. The butterflies settled soon enough, but they stayed nonetheless.

I told Kate about my date with Christian as we had breakfast the following morning and as expected, she shrieked with excitement. She offered to help me get ready before I even asked her, something I was very grateful for. I didn't know what would be expected in terms of dress code, much less my behaviour or topic of conversation. The fact that it was a surprise made it even worse; I knew I had a dinner to attend but whether I had to dress up or down was anyone's guess. Christian hadn't contacted me the whole day either and even though he was at work, I wondered whether he had planned it this way. Not talking to me certainly increased my excitement but did nothing to calm the fluttering in my stomach.

"You ok?" Kate asked, as I came out of the shower at 4:30. We had spent a good part of the day packing the rest of our things. We had packed almost everything except for the necessities that we would need until Wednesday night. That meant I had a good two hours to get ready.

"Yeah" I replied. "Just nervous I guess." I looked down and started fiddling with my fingers.

"Why? You've already had his tongue down your throat".

I groaned at her choice of words. "Uuuugh Kate! Seriously?" Again she acted innocent, no doubt trying to distract me with her jokes but in reality having the opposite effect.

"Yes, seriously. You've had more kisses in two weeks than you've had in three years. I don't think you need to worry at this stage about what's appropriate and what's not."

"Thanks, thanks very much." I said sarcastically.

I knew I had kissed Christian, I liked it when I had. But did that mean he was expecting it? That he might be expecting more than that? I wasn't sure how I felt about that, and him knowing the effect he had on me and the blush in my cheeks really didn't help.

"What if he wants more?" I said, suddenly quiet. Kate could sense how uneasy I felt and sat me down to face the mirror that was hanging on the wall. She started to brush my damp hair as she spoke.

"Then you will tell him exactly what you feel comfortable with doing and nothing more. Honestly Ana, don't do anything you don't want to. And don't let him intimidate you." I knew she was speaking sense, all I had to do was say no and I knew he would listen. It scared me the level of trust I already had in him, but I knew he would not push me.

"That's just it though Kate," I said as she looked at me through the reflection. "When he kisses me, it's like I get completely lost. I mean he only has to look at me a certain way and I turn into a blubbering mess."

Kate laughed at my words. There were times that I wish I could be more like her. She was so strong, so self-assertive that she had no problem telling people what she expected of them. Even in her interactions with Elliot, she was quick to tell him what she thought of his less-than-innocent humour.

"Ana that's natural. I think because he's the first guy you've liked, all these feelings are going to seem strange but you'll know what to do when you come to it. Your body will tell you exactly what you want, even if your brain turns to mush," she said with a chuckle.

"Isn't he going to think I'm an idiot?" Kate paused briefly before continuing. She turned to get the hairdryer from one of the boxes before plugging it in and getting to work on my hair.

"No, if he's asked you on a date after seeing you fall apart, I'm pretty sure the guy likes you." She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yeah." I said, half-heartedly. "Do you remember the first time you felt like this about a guy?"

"Honestly?" she said. I nodded. "I don't think I've felt about anyone like that until Elliot." I looked up at her in surprise. Kate had had her fair share of men over the years. Not that she was a slut, she just had a different view of what 'fun' meant than I did. Still, I hadn't seen her quite as besotted as she was with Elliot and for her to admit that to me, I could tell she genuinely meant it.

"You really like him don't you?" I asked.

"Yep" she said, a slight blush rising in her cheeks.

"Katherine Kavanagh, are you blushing?" I said as I giggled. She rolled her eyes at me before laughing herself.

"Shh" she said as she stuck her tongue out at me. "I know it's not been long but he's just so…he's really…I mean when we're together it's like…well you know he can…uh…" She trailed off, hoping that I could fill in the blanks. Her lack of words told me more than if she had given me a whole speech. "Is it crazy of me to like him this much already? I mean I know how I can be, God knows how many women hate me for it. I just hope he likes me back."

I stared at her dumbfound. If Kate could feel this way about herself, there really was no hope for the likes of me.

"Kate!" I said forcefully. "Are you nuts? The guy is crazy about you! And you call me naïve!" I said as I nodded my head in mock exasperation for effect. She continued to work on my hair, parting it so she could methodically dry it bit by bit as they would at a salon. I felt myself relaxing more and more into the chair and were it not for my reaction to her words, I would have fallen asleep.

"Ok, ok!" she said "I get it. Now…what dress are you going to wear?"

"I don't know. He hasn't told me where we're going, said it's a surprise."

"Well Moneybags can literally do whatever he wants to I wouldn't be surprised if he jets you off somewhere for the first date" Kate said casually.

"You think so?" I said, suddenly nervous again as I considered how inadequate I would be compared to him. We came from completely different worlds, and I seriously doubted whether I would fit in with his. "And Moneybags? Really?"

"Yep, Moneybags. And Ana relax, I can feel you tense around me. Jeez!"

"Well you're not helping, I already feel out of my depth as it is"

"Fine that was a bad choice of words, but it's true, he can take you anywhere so it probably means some swanky restaurant with a private booth, you know, the works. He values his privacy like anything."

"Ok, well if he gives me 'the works', then what do I wear?"

"If it's a private dinner than anything you want. Just has to be something you feel good in that will make him want to…""

"AAH LA LA, I don't want to hear what he'll want to do to me thank you very much" I said as I put my hands to my ears.

"Fine, but you will look smoking hot by the time I'm done with you."

True to her word, Kate had completely worked me over. I looked in the mirror, staring at the reflection as if to question who she was. I actually looked pretty. I was wearing a plum coloured dress that I had sewed myself a few weeks prior, and black and gold sandals. The dress came to rest just above my knees and hugged me at the waist. I had no cleavage showing, though the neckline was low enough to expose some skin and just inch-wide straps rested on my shoulders. My hair was braided to one side and my make-up light and simple. I was holding a gold and black clutch bag, courtesy of Kate, and a simple bangle to finish the look.

"Wow Steele you look hot!" Kate said as I felt myself blush.

"Thanks."

"Honestly, I'd bet good money that he won't be able to take his eyes off you. Or his hands. Or his lips or -"

"Kate!" I said, in a disapproving tone. I tried to keep a serious face and contain my laughter but it was no use, we both burst out laughing.

"You're so bad!" I said to her

"I know, you wouldn't have me any other way."

She came up to me and gave me a hug before looking at me. "I'm happy for you babe. I'm glad you're letting yourself go a little."

"Thanks Kate." I said, with a genuine smile towards her. "What time is it?"

She looked at her watch. "It is…6.28." Just as she said the time, someone knocked on the door. "Want me to get it?"

"No it's alright, I got it."

I walked to the door as I saw Kate disappear into her room. I looked through the peephole and saw Christian standing there, looking like his gorgeous self. I put my hand on the door handle and paused, taking a deep breath before mentally telling myself to _get a grip._ I opened the door and he looked up.

"Anastasia," he said, his voice raspy as he looked at me from head to toe, and back up again. I felt myself shrink under his hungry gaze as he took in my appearance, his eyes darting back and forth between my lips, eyes and hair. I hadn't even had a chance to look at anything other than his face as I absorbed his reaction to me.

"Hi," I said, in a meek voice whilst looking down.

I saw Christian step forward enough so that I could feel his heat and he could no doubt feel mine. His arm moved up but I couldn't see what he was holding as I continued to look down. I felt something soft against my cheek and I closed my eyes, my breathing suddenly hitching. He moved it down, along my jaw and up the other cheek before ever so softly brushing it against my lips. He let it linger there for a moment, long enough for me exhale a long hard breath before inhaling to smell the rose that he was using to caress my face.

"You look beautiful" I heard him say in a soft voice dripping with desire as he wrapped my braid around his hand and pulled it gently, forcing me to look up. I opened my eyes and found myself staring into his molten grey orbs.

"Don't look down, I like seeing you."

"Thank you" I whispered, for the compliment. With just those words he made me feel vulnerable all over again. He tugged the braid a little harder, forcing me to tilt my head up further as his arm brushed against mine. I felt the skin tingle at the contact and my breathing stop as he pressed his body against mine.

"Breathe baby." He said as he carried on moving the rose against my lips. He stopped suddenly, allowing me to catch my breath but gave me little respite as I felt the rose move down my chin, down my neck. It descended further ever so slowly until I felt it reach the area the above my breasts where it was met with the fabric of my dress. I closed my eyes once again and felt Christian kiss the corner of my mouth in an achingly brief kiss before stepping back.

"Shall we?" he said, casually and very much in control of himself. I looked at him suddenly, somehow holding the rose in my hand, knowing that his teasing had stopped for a while and shook my head, as if to shake off the reaction I had just had to him in the first five minutes of our date. He held out his hand and I willingly placed mine in it. I shouted back to Kate, letting her know I was going, put on my jacket and closed the door. Christian led me to the SUV that was parked on the road, where Taylor was waiting for us.

"Hi Taylor" I said as a smiled at him.

"Ma'am" he said, giving me a brief smile in return. I wasn't going to win this battle with him, of getting him to call me Ana so I just gave a curt nod and walked to the car door that Christian was holding open for me.

"Thank you" I said as I stepped in. He closed the door and before long had entered the car from the other side. I saw Taylor sit in the driver's seat the same time Christian slid in next to me, grabbing my belt and clicking it in. I could see a hint of a smirk on his face as he did so, and wondered why it was so amusing to him that he could strap me in.

"Let's go Taylor"

"Sir"

"Where are we going?" I asked, using the opportunity to calm myself down from whatever had happened on my doorstep.

"You really don't like surprises do you?"

"Nope" I said, enunciating the P. He chuckled. He moved his hand to hold mine and started to rub circles over my knuckles.

"You really do look beautiful" he said again, with utmost sincerity. I looked into his eyes and saw them darken as he moved closer to me and lowered his head. I shrank a little in my seat but it didn't deter him. His lips found mine as he gave me a quick kiss before catching my bottom lip between his teeth and pulling it back. He released it and willed me to look at him.

"Don't. Bite. That. Lip" he said, in a tone so forceful, so dominating that I didn't know how to react. I didn't know I was biting it. I felt the area between my legs dampen at the command, a feeling at odds with my head which was screaming at me to rebel against the tone.

"Why?" I asked, feeling defiant. He groaned before moving back into his seat, still holding on to my hand.

"It does things to me," he said, and I could tell from his tone that he would say nothing else. I felt a sensation run through his words, feeling elated that I could affect him in the same way that he affected me.

"What's your favourite colour?" I asked, wanting to lighten the intensity that surrounded us. For as random as it was, I realised how little I actually knew about him. His eyes raised in amusement at my questions, clearly surprised.

"Blue, why do you ask?"

"Just wondering," I said. "Favourite food?"

"Mac and cheese" he replied quickly. I laughed.

"Seriously? You could have all the food in the world and you choose that?"

"Of course," he grinned. "What's yours?"

"Sorry, my turn to ask questions, you can have yours after." He chuckled as I pressed on. "How many suits do you own?"

The laugh that came from him filled the car and radiated through my bones. It was so carefree, so beautiful and unrestricted, and at complete odds with his usually controlled and intense stance that I wanted more.

"Suits? Why would you ask me that?"

"I don't know, you're always so smartly dressed, I wondered if you had a whole room full of suits."

"I do" he said, matter of factly. I felt my jaw drop as I gaped at him.

"Seriously?"

"Well technically it has shirts and ties and shoes in it too, but yes a very large wardrobe that is the size of a large room." I could tell he was enjoying this little game. "Is it my turn yet?"

"No, still me. So you have a room dedicated to you clothes?" he nodded in the affirmative. "Do you have a library?"

"I do" My eyes lit up at that, and he noticed. "I'll show you." I tried to ignore his revelation that he would show me inside his house.

"You read?" I asked, feeling very happy that we had found something in common despite our different backgrounds.

"I don't usually get time," he explained. "I do have quite a few first editions though, it's more an investment than anything."

Before we could continue with this little game, I felt the car come to a stop. Christian unbuckled both of our belts and stepped out to open the door for me. I took his hand, still holding the rose in the other, and looked at him feeling confused. We hadn't been driving for longer than ten minutes so I knew we weren't out of Portland yet the odd building in front of us did not look like a restaurant. Or like anything one would assume you could use for a date.

"Come" he said, as I took his hand.

"Where are we going?"

"Do I need to explain to you how surprises work?" he said, teasing me. I looked at him and let out a small giggle. I saw his face light up at hearing it.

"No"

He walked me into the building and straight to the elevator. I was suddenly reminded of the last time that we were in an elevator and felt the electricity around us start to increase. I peeked up at him and saw him looking back at me, a serious expression on his face. My heart beat quickened and my palms started to feel clammy. It seemed like forever that we just stared each other before the bell sounded to signal our arrival to the correct floor. The lift doors opened and I was shocked at what I saw.

"A helicopter?" I asked.

"Yes. Come."

"We're going on our first date, in a helicopter?" I asked again, just to clarify. I needed to make sure I wasn't imagining it. We walked forward towards the helicopter where a man was stood there. He looked at me and then at Christian.

"Nice to meet you ma'am. All checks are completed sir, she's good to go."

"Thank you" Christian replied as he took some paper from him. I looked at the man walk away and then back at Christian. There were no other people about, not even Taylor.

"Where's Taylor?" I asked.

"He'll drive the car."

"Well where's the pilot?"

He didn't say anything and simply gestured towards the seat that I could now see as he opened the door. I climbed in, and sat down on the seat. He climbed in behind me and strapped me in, again smirking whilst looking me in the eye.

"Why do I get the feeling you like strapping me in, Mr Grey?"

He looked at me with a dangerous look on his face.

"Because I do," he said, before winking at me. I felt my heart flutter.

He closed the door and as I took in my surroundings and the control panels laid out in front of me, barely noticed Christian as he sat in the pilot's seat. I was once again shocked as I looked at him in disbelief.

"You're the pilot?" I asked. His answering smile was the only answer I needed. I nodded yes as if to signal my understanding and listened as he put on his headphones and started running down the safety checks. I put mine on under his instruction and felt the humming of the blades resonate through me as he was readying to take off. He took one look at me and asked me if I was alright.

"Ready baby?"

"Yes" I whispered.

I felt us lift off the building and climb higher and higher. I looked around, not wanting to wake up from this dream. It was absolutely breath-taking. The people and cars and streets below looked so small and unfrightening from up here. _This_ _was the_ _world_ I thought. It was beautiful.

I was mesmerized by the view. And I was mesmerized by Christian. His strength and ability left me dumbfound and I felt a slight wave of panic as I thought of our worlds. This was his gift to me, and I had nothing to give in return.

"Ana" he said, bringing me back from my thoughts. "You alright?"

"Yeah" I let out. "This is amazing."

"I know." He said, looking at me warily. "It's one of my favourite hobbies, this and soaring."

"What's that?"

"Gliding to the layperson."

"How long have you been able to fly this?"

"I got my license four years ago."

"What hobbies do you have that us mere mortals can also take part in?" I asked. He looked at me slightly irritated as he answered my question.

"Fishing and hiking."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to belittle your achievements, I guess I feel intimidated that's all, I think you're amazing and I..." I stopped myself from completing the question that was burning in my mind.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing." I turned my head

"Anastasia" he said, his tone unforgiving as he demanded an answer.

"I'm _me_," I replied, as if those two words would be enough to explain how completely out of depth I was. I liked him, but seeing this part of his world made me realise how unworthy I felt to be a part of it. He deserved someone better, and he could easily find anyone to fill that role. It would save me a lot of heartache in the end.

"We'll speak about this when we land." He said, his tone harsh. I shied away a little, not knowing what he was going to say.

"How long does it take to get there?"

"Just under an hour."

"This must impress the ladies." I felt myself saying, shocked at my forwardness yet filled with curiosity. He looked at me again and I could sense I had said another thing wrong.

"You're the only woman I've ever brought in here," he said in earnest. "Well, excluding my mom and sister."

"Ever?" I asked, a little shocked.

"Another first for me Miss Steele." I shook my head and took the time to slowly process his words. I couldn't remember what the other first was as I continued to look at the horizon before us. It was cloudy, making it a little dark save for the sliver of light that was breaking through.

"Look Ana" Christian said after a while. I wasn't sure how long we were in the air, but the views surrounding us were enough of a distraction from the awkwardness that could have surrounded us otherwise. I looked in the direction that he was pointing and saw the Seattle skyline.

"We're in Seattle?" I asked. How long had I been in thought?

"Yes." He said, happy at my reaction to the view.

"Wow"

"I agree, wow." He said as he smiled at me. I smiled back. The sun had started to set slightly, leaving the few specks of sky a fantastic pink colour and the clouds a slight purple. I was awed, and one look at Christian took the remainder of my breath away.

I found him looking at me briefly before he turned his head back to the view before us and started to speak into his microphone once again. I didn't listen to his words, I just carried on looking out and realised we were coming close to a building, where I presumed we would land. I was right.

Before long, Christian had landed the helicopter on to the helipad that was on the building. It was a smooth landing and I felt myself sigh, whether it was a sigh of relief at landing or of despair that it was over, I don't know. He pressed the controls and the blades of the helicopter started to slow. He took off both of our headphones and unbuckled his belt before moving to mine.

"We're here" he said softly, as his hands grazed against my dress where the belt was. The closeness of his face against mine meant I could do little to look away, but I squirmed in my seat anyway. I could see he was trying to hide a smirk at my reaction, knowing by the blush that had swept my cheeks and my breathing that I was clearly affected by him. The dampness between my legs wasn't helping either, and only increased when he kissed the corner of my mouth. His darkened eyes looked to my lips and again he tugged at my bottom lip, releasing it from the grasp of my own teeth.

"Come." He said, as he ushered me out of the helicopter and put his hand around my waist to guide me to the elevator. We stepped in, with him still holding me against him and looked at the doors shutting. We were in there for what seemed like seconds before the doors opened again to reveal a fantastic foyer, the walls white and the wooden table exquisite. The paintings added to the grandeur feel of it.

I still didn't know where we were, and as I was led past two doors, felt my feet falter as I took in the view. The room was _huge_, with large pieces of furniture, a lit fireplace and a view of Seattle from the glass wall that covered the far wall. I noticed a piano near the back and a balcony outside. Christian sensed my hesitation but pulled me in further anyway. I was too awestruck to do anything but obey.

"Where are we?" I asked, feeling shy at finding the answer I already suspected.

"This is my apartment," he replied. I looked at him in disbelief. I mean I knew he was rich but this was a whole other level of rich.

"You…live…here?" I said, my brain forcing my mouth to communicate.

"Yes"

"In a penthouse? With this view? You're just…wow" was all I could say. He looked at me to gage my reaction, clearly confused.

"It's just things baby. I'll show you around later, you'll love the library," he reminded me. "Come let me take your jacket, dinner's ready."

He led me near the kitchen which looked equally as impressive as the main living area. Near the kitchen was a huge dining table that had on it candles, place settings and wine. I stood near the chair and waited as he took it out for me, and then sat down, putting the rose to the side. He sat down next to me.

"You know you don't have to look so uncomfortable" he said.

"I feel like I'm out of my depth" I admitted.

"Why? Nothing's changed."

I looked at him and questioned with my facial expression as to what he meant.

"I'm the same person that you slept with at the Heathman" he said, his eyes alight with humour. I rolled my eyes at him and laughed at the double meaning of his words.

"Don't do that." He said after inhaling deeply. His mood had visibly shifted and I felt like he was going to take me there and then. My thoughts scrambled and my libido heightened as I tried to think of what I did to get such a reaction from him.

"Do what?" I managed to get out.

"Roll your eyes at me" he explained, and I could tell he was controlling his emotions, whatever they were.

"Sorry" I muttered and looked down. I felt his finger on my chin pulling it back up again.

"Dinner is going to get cold."

Just as he said that, an older woman walked in with some food. I looked at her and then at Christian, willing him to introduce us. She smiled at me and I could tell she meant it, something about her made me feel immediately at ease.

"Anastasia, this is Mrs Jones, my housekeeper. Mrs Jones, this is Anastasia Steele."

"It's a pleasure to meet you ma'am" she said.

"Call me Ana, please. And it's a pleasure to meet you too." I smiled at her. She laid down the food in front of us and I laughed as I saw it.

"Mac and cheese, perfect." Christian beamed at me and I felt Mrs Jones freeze next to me for a brief moment whilst she looked at us before she regained her composure. I don't know if I was right, but it was almost as if she was proud of him. She poured the wine into our glasses and turned to look at Christian.

"If that's all sir, I'll be off. Dessert is in the kitchen for when you're ready."

"That'll be all Gail, thank you," he said and I saw her walk away. I waited for Christian to pick up his fork before I moved to pick up mine. He took a bite and then signalled for me to pick up my fork.

"Eat" he commanded. I obeyed. It was delicious.

"Mmmm" I said as I let the taste invade my mouth. "This is delicious." I added before taking another mouthful. I saw him shift in his seat a little then heard him chuckle.

"Mrs Jones is a fantastic cook."

"You don't cook yourself?" I asked, to which he laughed a small laugh.

"No, I can heat things in the microwave very well though."

It was my turn to laugh.

"Well well, something that Christian Grey cannot do." I looked at him to find him staring at me in amusement.

"Why would that be funny Miss Steele?"

"You can do everything else so well, I mean you're just so competent, building up an empire, making your billions, flying from place to place. And yet something as simple as cooking you can't do it."

"Business is something that comes easy to me. I know how to read people well and to get the best out of those who work for me. It requires control, concentration and dedication. It's why I like flying too, I like having that control over things."

"Including people?" I asked.

"Oh yes" he said, in a tone that he could have passed off as mischievous were it not for his molten eyes.

"And what would you do if someone disobeyed you?" I asked, suddenly feeling breathless and wet under his penetrating gaze. He moved forward and touched my hand ever so softly, as if to affect me more than I already was.

"If you roll your eyes at me again Anastasia, you fill find out" he said, seriousness in his voice. I noticed the change in his demeanour as he inched closer just a little before he fell back into his seat and continued eating. I wasn't sure what was happening, and whether this was normal on a date. I had lost my appetite, and the sensations that were travelling between my legs were growing uncomfortable as I crossed my legs. I had asked him about his hobbies and work so for all intents and purposes, I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. Yet the way he was affecting me was so foreign to me that I couldn't process it. I wanted him to continue and stop at the same time. I wanted to roll my eyes to see him follow through on his promise yet hold back all the while. I wanted him, but I didn't want to want him. Ugh, I was confused.

"You have a small v that appears between your eyebrows when you're thinking," he said, breaking me out of my daydream.

"Sorry," I said as I looked at my food. The plate was only half full as I struggled to finish the rest. He had almost finished his.

"Don't be, I can see how much you want me," he said nonchalantly. I looked at him suddenly and found him looking at me intently. "I can see the blush in your cheeks when I touch you, and the rise and fall of your chest when my lips near yours. And I can tell from the way you shifted your legs under the table that you're very uncomfortable right now."

He was right, of course he was right, but I didn't want him to know that. He knew too much of me already, and I felt the danger signs signalling in my head at his words as I realised how much I liked that he knew it. I felt like he understood me without me having to show it. I saw that he knew me despite how much I hid myself. And it felt liberating and frightening all at once.

"My turn," he said suddenly. I didn't know what he was talking about.

"The questions," he clarified, "my turn to ask."

"Oh" I said, happy for the distraction but still feeling awkward at the slightly receding feeling in my core.

"Do you have a job lined up?"

"No, I applied to a few publishing houses out here but am still waiting on a response."

"Which ones?" he asked, acting too innocent for my liking. I thought back to the encounter we had at the restaurant, where he threatened to buy the bookstore from Jerry.

"Why?" I asked.

"Just wondering" he said.

"Not telling." He seemed surprised at my answer

"You know I could easily find out?"

"But you won't" I retorted. "Please, I don't want you to give anything to me, I already feel inadequate as it is, I mean look at all this and I have nothing to give back. Beside I want to find my own way, like you did.

I looked at the anger that was now radiating from him and saw him control himself, counting back the numbers in his head. When he looked at me, it hadn't faded much. "Ana look me in the eye," he demanded. I couldn't. "Ana" he said, as a warning. I relented. "I don't ever want to hear you speak that way about yourself. You're here because you're smart, kind and absolutely beautiful, and I can't stop being affected by you. You have no idea how much I want you, how much control I seem to lose around you."

I looked at him in shock. "Really?" I asked, as if a small kid wanting reassurance.

"Really," he said. He spoke quickly, not allowing me to dwell on it. "Next question…" He moved his hand to his face and his finger rubbed his bottom lip as he pondered over what to ask. I could see he was enjoying this and the way his eyes looked me over made me feel a little nervous at what he could possible ask me, despite the desire that was building in me at looking at his lips. _So_ _soft_ _-_

"What goes through your mind when you blush like that Anastasia?" he asked, his tone full of mirth. I immediately snapped my head back and looked away. I didn't realise I had been staring the whole time and the reddening of my cheeks alerted him of my wayward thoughts. I picked up my glass of wine, my throat feeling dry and ignored his question.

"Next question," I said.

"Oh no, you're going to tell me exactly what you're thinking." He insisted with a smirk on his face. I inhaled deeply before letting out a deep breath and looked up.

"Your lips" I whispered.

"What about them?" he said, moving closer to me. I shifted in my seat to relieve some of the tension that I could feel building inside me. It did nothing to help, and only made him more determined to get closer to me. "Tell me Anastasia" he said, his voice a melody. It was hypnotic, he had spoken so softly yet it had the desired effect of turning me on even more.

"So soft" I said as his lips were just a fraction of an inch away from mine. He teased me, not touching me and I felt unable to move.

"I believe you stole my line Miss Steele." He moved back a little and looked at me as I stared back.

"I did?" I asked, though it sounded more like a breath.

"I believe I said that to you when we first met."

"So you did" I said, not knowing what else to say. I could remember the way he held me, how safe I felt. And then, as if I had been doused in cold water, I remembered why I had been crying and shifted away.

"Sorry, I just remembered why I was crying."

I don't know why I suddenly remembered my parents, but the fact that graduation was two days away came to the forefront of my mind. He looked at me and before I knew it, his lips were on mine, coaxing them into submitting to him. I felt myself relax into the kiss as his tongue moved expertly inside my mouth, caressing my tongue, teasing and tugging it as I moaned. The deep throaty sound that came from him as a result only spurned me on, and I moved my hands to grab his hair. My legs were now completely limp and the space between them damp as he broke off the kiss suddenly, leaving me wanting more. I dropped my hands and looked at him as my heart rate returned to normal. I had all but forgotten what I had been thinking before.

"Hmm, I stand by my words. Your lips are very soft," he said.

"Thanks" I said, so quiet that I wasn't sure he heard it.

"Will you go to your graduation?" he asked. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but concern. "I think you should."

"It's just going to be a boring day with speeches and a mile long queue of students getting a piece of paper" I said, trying to act as if it didn't bother me.

"Why Miss Steele, I am deeply wounded," he said, feigning hurt. "My speech will most definitely not be boring."

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! I completely forgot, I didn't mean…I mean I know it won't I just..I'm sorry." I was flustered by the end of my stutter. He just laughed.

"Ana it's fine, though I think you'll regret it if you don't go. You've worked hard for it, your parents wanted you to study and they'll want to see you graduate."

"Yeah" I said, and I knew I was slowly being worn down by Jose, Kate and Christian into going. "I'll think about it."

"Ok baby, I have to give the speech so I can't be there for you if you don't go. Seriously consider it ok?"

My heart swelled at his words. He wanted to be there for me. Christian wanted to be there for me.

I stood up and walked over to his chair, much to his surprise. I sat down so I was straddling him and put my arms around his neck. He took only a moment before he wrapped his own arms around my waist, drawing me closer to him. This is what I wanted, to feel protected, to have someone _want_ to do that for me.

I felt him lean his head into the crook of my neck and inhale as he smelt my hair. I shifted a little so that I rested on his lap and felt the bulge of his trousers against me. It was like a shockwave of pleasure went through me, and I could do nothing to stop the moan that escaped from my lips. He looked at me as he growled, his expression full of lust and he pushed me down on to him, finding my lips at the same time.

I kissed him, kissed him with all that I had as our tongues danced and our bodies moulded to each other's. I clutched at his hair, pulling myself tighter to him as he nipped and sucked my lips before he broke off the kiss and grazed his teeth over my jaw. I didn't recognise the sounds that were coming from me, and felt myself getting wetter as he began to plant wet kisses down my neck and across my bare shoulders as he moved the straps.

My breathing was coming short and fast as his hands moved to my waist again, descending slower and resting on my butt. His large hands massaged my cheeks before pulling them closer to me, then relaxing as his lips returned to mine. I could feel the pressure building inside me and my core tightening as he repeated the motion with one hand, the other gripping my braided hair. I found myself moving of my own accord, into him as he gripped my butt tightly and then away as he relaxed his hand. It caused the most fantastic friction against my now dripping sex and my breasts as they rubbed against his chest and I could feel myself climbing, reaching for something, wanting a release from all this yet wanting the feeling to continue at the same time. He released my hair and moved his hand to cup my breast whilst the other moved under my dress and up my thigh. I froze.

"Ana?" he said, his voice throaty and low.

"I'm sorry" I said, as I moved off his lap. I felt the tightened coil in my core loosen as the pleasure started to fade. I looked back at him and saw the huge bulge that was straining against the zip of his trousers. His eyes were still full of lust yet confusion at how turned on he was, as if he was controlling the same feeling in himself that I had in me. "I've not done that before." I found myself admitting.

"You don't have to be sorry for that," he said, his voice more controlled than the last time. He stood and walked over to me and I suddenly felt shy in front of him. I hadn't ever let anyone seen my like that, so consumed by chasing a feeling that I forgot all sense of myself. The way he looked at me didn't help, as I felt completely exposed despite being fully clothed in front of him. I thought back to my thoughts last night, of how vulnerable I would feel at performing such an intimate act as sex and I was right about it. I had barely done anything with him yet I felt like he could see another side to me that I had unwittingly revealed.

"You're so innocent Ana, I find it endearing." He said.

"Innocent?" I asked. _How could he know?_

"Innocent," he repeated, "I knew that from the first time I saw you. We don't have to do anything you don't want to, in fact you probably shouldn't."

"Wh...what?"

"I'm a man of singular tastes Ana, and I can tell you're too inexperienced for what I enjoy, what I gain pleasure out of."

_You…don't want…me? _I thought, not saying the question out loud. I lowered my head and felt the tears start to burn my eyes. I had just come close to giving into him and now I was holding back, he didn't want me.

"Is that all you want me for?" I asked, my voice suddenly void of any emotion.

"What?" he asked, before realisation hit him. "Ana don't." It was already too late. The tears rolled down my cheek and I felt myself move away from him.

"It's fine, I get it now. You don't do the girlfriend thing and now I've stopped the one thing that you clearly wanted. No strings eh? That's fine, I'm really not the girl for you I mean I wouldn't know what to do anyway."

"Ana please jus… - wait what did you just say?" he asked, looking at me in anger. I stopped moving and replayed the words in my head, wondering which bit he would be angry at.

"I don't know what you mean."

"You wouldn't know what to do?" He started to move closer to me, like a predator hunting its prey. My eyes widened at what I had just told him. "Tell me Ana, have you ever had sex before?"

"I…I uh…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"FUCK!" he shouted and I jumped. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know I needed to," I said quietly.

"But how? I mean you're beautiful, you're sexy as fuck Ana and you're 21. How have you avoided it all this time? You haven't had a boyfriend that you wanted to do it with?" I could see him counting downwards from ten, trying to calm himself as he finished his sentence.

"No. I'm sort of a social recluse. I don't really trust a lot of people, you know that. I can't even look them in the eye. I can't look you in the eye right now knowing that I almost um…in your lap…"

"That you almost came?"

"Yeah" I said, blushing at his words. He stepped closer to me.

"Ana, I do want you in that way. But I've already told you before, you fascinate me like no one else has. I've never been a hearts and flowers man, I don't know how."

"You're doing pretty well so far."

"Thanks" he said, not convinced. "You deserve someone to make love to you, and I have only ever fucked, hard." He paused before continuing. I gulped at his words as he looked at me for a reaction.

"I'll try" he whispered after what seemed like an age. "It'll be a first for us both." I could do nothing but nod.

"Have you ever had an orgasm?" he asked suddenly. I felt my cheeks redden even more and let out a nervous chuckle. "I love the way you blush when I talk to you in this way," he said. I looked up at him and into his eyes.

"No, not um, by myself or with someone" I said, feeling nervous. "It's too personal" I found myself explaining, not moving as I did so. "Like when you look me in the eye? Doing that is just too personal, even with my clothes on."

"I won't do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable Ana. You like what we did before didn't you?" I stuttered, not knowing what to say to him.

"I love how affected you are by me," he whispered into my ear. And that did it, I felt the hairs on my neck stand on end and a shiver ran through me as he licked just under my ear.

"Christian" I whispered. My body was screaming at me for a release, but I didn't know if I could give that to him yet, if I could let him have that hold over me.

"Trust me," he whispered. I looked into his eyes and considered his request. I already did trust him, but I didn't know if I could go that one step further. I liked him, and I didn't want this one act to make things awkward, though they would be if I denied him. But I didn't want to give more of myself to him, I had already given more than I should have. And then it hit me. I was looking into his eyes this whole time and I wasn't afraid. I felt safe, comforted with him. I wanted this.

"Ok" I whispered.

His eyes widened a fraction before he held out his hand and waited for me. I put mine in it and he led me to the L-shaped couch in the main living area. He sat down and just as I was about to sit next to him, he spoke.

"Uh uh…" he nodded. "Like before," he said, his voice stern. I looked at him looking at me, his expression one of hunger and his jaw set tight. I moved forward slowly and straddled his lap as before.

"You are so beautiful" he whispered against my lips and then he kissed me slowly, sensually like our first kiss. His lips were firm against mine, sucking, tasting, teasing as his tongue moved forth. I moaned and returned the kiss in kind, letting my tongue run across his bottom lip before he took control. He twisted his hand around my hair and pulled my head back so that he could reach my neck. I let out a mewl as he started kissing the hollow of my neck, moving to my throat and then further down towards my breasts. "So beautiful" he whispered, then he bit my nipple through the fabric of the dress. I let out a surprised yelp but calmed as the sensation travelled downwards, through my stomach and to my core. My breasts felt heavy and I was getting impatient at the growing pleasure as it increased enough to have me writhing without tipping over the edge.

"I'm so wet." I said, embarrassed at myself.

Christian stilled immediately, his head sprung back up and he hissed as he looked at me. "Fuck Ana! What are you doing to me?"

"I could say the same to you," I murmured.

"I can't wait to feel how wet you are for me," he said to me softly, struggling to manage the tone of his voice and the erection that was now straining against me. I looked at him questioningly, wondering whether he would make good on his promise not to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with. "One day" he simply said, as he returned his attention to my breasts.

His one hand cupped my breast and he started to apply pressure, kneading it, massaging it as they both felt heavier and heavier, my moaning becoming more sporadic. "So responsive" he said. "You fit so perfectly in my hands Ana."

I was lost. His gentle words and the way he was working at my nipples sent wave after wave of pleasure through me. The tightening in my core increased as I held tightly on to his shoulders, trying to find something to rub against. He sensed my frustration and moved his hands to my waist, willing me to start moving back and forth against him. I felt shocks run through me as a specific part of my sex rubbed against him and I shifted so that it would get the attention it craved. The sounds coming from me were unrecognisable, my breathing out of control and my heart ready to leap out of my chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and burrowed my head into the side of his neck, not wanting to see him and not wanting him to see me as the tightening became too intense.

I could feel the desire burning in me, radiating from the pit of my stomach. I couldn't stop, my hips started moving faster as he massaged my butt with one hand, his other reaching for the tight bud of my nipple through my fabric and pinching it. I squealed as he did so, the pleasure causing me hold my breath as I felt a tingling sensation start in my extremities.

"That's it baby," he cooed, as my breathing almost stopped. "Let go."

"Christian!" I gasped, not understanding what was happening. I felt the tingling start in my fingers and toes, spreading through my limbs and exploding as it reached my core. I was unable to contain my cry, it was too much, too intense. I wanted it to stop, to carry on, to cry and shout and remain silent. I could feel my fingers dig into the top of his arms as he continued to move me back and forth against him, prolonging the agony, prolonging the beautiful sensations that were pulsating through me. I felt the aftershocks as the same sensitive part of me rubbed against him, spasms running through me as it did so. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

I stopped moving after a while and felt my breathing calm down. Christian let me stay there, my fingers loosening their grip on his arms and my head resting on his shoulder. He moved his hand up and down my back, a gentle motion that calmed me and made me feel at ease, in stark contrast to the sensation I had just experienced.

"Christian?" I said, without moving.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to fall asleep if you keep doing that." I said, my eyes feeling heavy. I hadn't ever felt so content in someone's arms, so secure. I felt his chest move slightly as he let out a chuckle.

"That's ok, you can sleep baby," he said. I didn't want to talk about what had just happened, the moment was perfect without words. I felt myself drift off as he continued to run his hand up and down my back. Just as I was about to fall into a state of unconsciousness, I felt myself floating as he carried me to a bed and lowered me on to it. He removed my shoes and the bangle and wrapped his arm around me to bring me closer to him, my back to his front. He kissed my head and I heard him utter two words before I was out like a light.

"Goodnight Anastasia."

"hmmm…."


	11. Chapter eleven: The morning after

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone.

Sorry if I haven't replied to your messages or reviews, I will.

Hope you like this.

x ImTrying

* * *

**Chapter eleven: The morning after**

I woke up the following morning feeling extremely hot. It took only a second of confusion before I realised where I was, in bed, with Christian wrapped protectively around me. His legs were intertwined with mine and his arm hugged my waist, pulling my back to his front. The events of yesterday came rushing back to me in an instant as I recalled our first official date, the helicopter ride, the dinner, and my revelation about my virginity. And then, just as quickly, memories of my first orgasm came back to me as I rocked back and forth against Christian, his hot wet kisses travelling down my neck, shoulders, and reaching my breasts, his pinching of my erect bud and the spectacular release as I clutched at his shoulders. I felt the now recognisable tightening in my core as I got increasingly aroused, feeling my breathing hitch. The way Christian was wrapped around me did little to help as I felt myself getting flustered.

"Good morning."

I jumped at the words, I didn't realise he was awake. He tightened his hold on my waist ever so briefly before relaxing again.

"Morning" I whispered. I turned around to see him staring at me, eyes wide open. He had a smirk on his face, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. I let out a nervous laughter and turned back around.

"Something wrong Miss Steele?" I could hear the amusement in his voice. Of course there was. I was getting aroused at the thought of the man behind me whose erection was now very clearly digging into my back.

"Um…uh…hmmm…" There was no coherence to my words. I couldn't think of a sentence to string together and the breath that I could feel on my neck as I felt Christian get closer ensured that I wouldn't think of anything else anytime soon.

I felt his lips against my skin, barely touching it as they went from the base of my neck up to my ear and then back again. His lips were parted and I could feel his breath tickle my skin, the slow movement heavenly as I took deeper breaths. He repeated this motion, too slow, too gentle, as his hand rubbed circles over my stomach just above my bellybutton. I moaned at the sensation, moving my hips back slightly to find the same friction that I craved yesterday as the fluttering in my core started to intensify. I could feel that he was just as turned on as I was as he inhaled sharply at my sudden movement, my ass now rubbing against him.

The hand around my waist suddenly started to descend lower at the same pace as his lips and then stopped at my hip. Christian started to draw circles there too and I could feel my heart beat race, faster and faster as he moved slow and slower. I exhaled a loud breath when I felt it move up again, not realising I was holding it, but it didn't stop where it was resting before. He increased the pressure of his lips against my neck, planting wet kisses just under my ear as his hand travelled upwards to my breast.

"Ana" he said, ever so softly.

"Yes" I moaned.

"Are you wet for me?"

Under any other circumstance, I would have blushed at his words but I was too far gone.

"Hmm" I replied, a pitiful attempt to answer his question as he traced more circles around my nipple without once reaching the now aching bud. I heard him inhale sharply as he dug with a little more pressure into my ass.

"What do you want?" he asked. He was teasing me, lightening the pressure of his lips, his hand and his hips as he waited for an answer.

"Don't stop."

"Don't stop what?" he asked as he purposefully let his finger run over the tight bud of my nipple. I groaned when he let go entirely.

"Please." I whimpered, my pleas sounding desperate even to my own ears.

"Please what?"

"Touch me."

His hand reached the nipple again and I groaned when he pinched the bud tightly whilst at the same time biting my ear lobe. Christian dug his erection into me harder as a result and the low guttural sound coming from him travelled right through me as I gasped at the sudden bolt of pleasure, a sharp contrast to the slow rising that Christian had been building within me before. I was lost to the sensation, to his teasing and manipulating of my body as he worked to coax an orgasm out of it.

Christian continued to plant lavish kisses under my ear, a spot that he had discovered was increasing the wetness between my legs. His hand massaged my breast just a few more times before it travelled south again, this time going further than he had before. He put his hand over my sex and started to massage it, up and down in slow but firm strokes as he continued to rock into me from behind. I could hear his breaths as they came out, harsher and louder than before. Mine were no different save for the whimpers that were coming out as a result of his ministrations and I knew the tight coil in my core was ready to snap. My frustration was evident as I tried to move, to get him to touch the sensitive bundle of nerves that caused me to explode last night but he was not budging. His hold on me was firm and I found myself begging him to let me go.

"Hmmmmm Christian please!" I was panting, wanting him to move faster, to dig in harder, anything to get the release I was craving.

"Say it Ana" he whispered in my ear. "Tell me what you want."

The hand that was cupping my sex now moved upwards as his lone finger ran over my sensitive nub, causing me to shriek as the shock radiated through me.

"Please please please please…"

"Please what Ana?" he asked, tormenting me. "Do you want to come?" He spoke so softly, his voice so deep.

"YES!" I shouted as he pinched my nipple before returning the hand to my sex again. I couldn't take it anymore, I could barely move.

"Say it." he said again, taunting me.

"Please, I want to come, let want to come, please, please, please let me come" I pleaded, almost sobbing out my request.

"As you wish…"

Christian's hand moved between my legs and moved back and forth frantically over my panties as I let out a long groan, the tingling heightening before the coil snapped and waves upon waves of pleasure came thrashing down. I sat up and –

.

I sat up and found that the room was dark. I looked around, finding any sign of what had just happened and realised the whole thing was a dream, though the evidence for my orgasm was apparent as I considered my heavy breathing and flustered state. _A dream _I thought as I flopped back on to the pillow. I lay there for a little while to get myself under control, to calm myself and let the heat disappear from my cheeks. The wetness between my legs was a little uncomfortable and I wondered how I could ask for underwear without telling Christian what had happened. I didn't have time to think for long before I heard the sound of a piano coming from outside the room.

I followed the sound to find Christian sat at the piano, looking lost in the music as he played a beautiful piece, although somewhat sad. He looked up and noticed me standing there but carried on playing, not faltering once. He smiled and tilted his head a little.00

"Come."

I walked towards him, looking down as I considered what he had done to me in both my wakeful and sleeping states and stopped when I got to the piano. His fingers moved fluidly over the keys and soon I was in a trance, mesmerised by the ease with which he could string out such a beautiful melody. I wouldn't have noticed that the music stopped had it not been for the stillness of his hands.

"You ok?" he asked as I looked up at his face. He held his hand out to me and I took it. He pulled me on to his lap and put his arms around my waist.

"That was beautiful." I said, still looking down. I felt his hand cup my cheek and turn my head to look at him. "What was it?" I said, my breath a little shaky.

"It's just a melody I had in my head."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise at his statement.

"How long have you been playing?"

"Since I was 6. My mother, Grace, thought it would be good for me."

"Seems like you enjoy it."

"I do, helps me clear my head"

"From your work?" I asked. He looked a little uncertain before he answered.

"Sometimes. What are you doing up?" He dodged my question but sensing his discomfort, I decided not to press further.

"I woke up and you weren't there" I said. It was true, even though it wasn't the whole truth. I blushed and looked down as I remembered my dream.

"Why you blushing?" he asked, suddenly wary. I didn't answer. "Ana?" he said firmly, demanding an answer.

"Just remembered what you did…er…what _we_ did…or what you did to me….um…" I was a blubbering mess. What was wrong with me?

When he didn't say anything, I chanced a look at him and saw that he was enjoying my awkwardness a little too much. He moved forward towards the crook of my neck, the same place as he had in my dream. I held my breath.

"What did I do to you Anastasia?" he asked, again teasing me, though this time it was real. "Did I kiss you? Hmm?"

"Yes" I breathed as he kissed that spot below my ear. I was getting wet again.

"Did I touch your nipples, and pinch them? Did you like that? Or did you like it when I rocked you against me?" His voice was getting deeper and lower, more seductive.

"Or…" he whispered, "…did you like it when I made you come?" He cupped my cheek again and moved my head to face him as he kissed me very chastely on the lips.

"Is that what I did to you?"

I moved my head away and he let me. I was so embarrassed at my arousal I didn't know what to say.

"Anastasia look at me," he ordered.

I obliged, knowing that resistance was futile. I found him looking at me with a stern expression on his face, as if he was about to tell me off. "You didn't do anything to be ashamed of. It was beautiful hearing you come."

I still blushed at his words and nodded, though still a little unsure of myself. I felt extremely exposed in front of him, my barriers almost coming up automatically to prevent him seeing any more.

"Don't do that, don't shy away from me." He said, as if knowing what I was doing. "Come, let's get you back to sleep."

I moved off his lap and waited for him to stand behind me. He took my hand and led me back to the bedroom. I looked down and saw that I was still in my dress from last night.

"Erm...Christian?"

"Yes?" He turned to look at me.

"Do you have anything I can change into?"

"Yes, wait here."

I stood as I saw him disappear behind a door that was on the side of the room and waited. He returned a moment later holding a t-shirt and then turned to get some boxers out of a drawer on the side.

"The bathroom is through here, you can get changed in there,"

"Thank you." I said as I moved past him and into the bathroom. It was huge! There was a shower enough to hold a small party and a bath to match. The tiles were a fantastic cream colour and the whole room looked as if it was out of a magazine. I suddenly remembered why I was in there and undressed to change. I put on the boxers and shirt, fixed my hair after looking in the mirror and went back out. I had picked up my clothes and put them on the chair in the corner of the room.

Christian was already in bed waiting and I felt a little nervous as he watched me climb on to it on the other side. I was very grateful that he couldn't see me entirely as the only light came from the few appliances that were still on around the room. Unsure about what to say or how close I had to be him, I kept a little distance and climbed under the covers before looking at the clock. 2:47am.

"Did you sleep at all?" I asked Christian.

"No, I put you in bed and then went work. It was too early for me to sleep."

"What time was it?"

"10"

"Oh" I said. He laughed.

"Yes you were a little put our after -"

"Yes" I interrupted, "I know." My voice was suddenly very quiet. "Thank you, for taking care of me."

"It was my pleasure" he said with utmost sincerity. I looked at him and smiled.

"Goodnight Christian."

"Goodnight baby."

_I loved how he called me that_ I thought, falling deeper and deeper into my likeness for him. I sunk into the bed and closed my eyes. I heard him shift behind me and move closer. His arm wrapped around my waist again and pulled me closer to him and it wasn't long before sleep overtook me.

The following morning I woke up feeling very refreshed. I looked to the clock and saw that it was 6:00, a lot earlier than I usually wake up but I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep now. I turned around and saw Christian was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful, so young. I smiled and moved the little lock of hair that had fell forward on to his face. I very slowly climbed out of bed, careful not to wake him as he hadn't had a lot of sleep and freshened up in the bathroom. I debated walking out in his t-shirt but decided against, not knowing if any security or someone would be there, so I quickly put on my dress and walked out.

The kitchen was empty when I walked in. I started to think about tomorrow, the fact that it was graduation and my time at university had come to an end. I still didn't know whether I had the courage to go, whether I could make it on stage knowing that there was no family, no parents in the audience there for me. I so badly wanted to go and not go at the same time. Everyone was right, mom and dad would have been so proud of me but if there weren't there to witness it, what was the point?

I decided I needed to distract myself and so looking inside the fridge, I set about making breakfast, remembering that Christian did the same for me the night I stayed at the Heathman. Looking around, I noticed an iPod in the docking station and put on some very quiet music as I started cutting the apples. I made an apple and cinnamon batter for some muffins and put them in the oven too cook. I made an omelette and started on the fruit salad as I swayed to the music before I heard people approaching.

"Miss Steele," It Taylor who spoke when I turned around, as Mrs Jones stood next to him. She looked at me slightly shocked before she recovered but Taylor looked as professional as ever.

"Erm hi. I'm sorry did I wake you?"

"No ma'am," Mrs Jones said, "but please, sit down and I'll make breakfast for you."

"Oh it's alright, I've already got the muffins in the oven. I wasn't sure what Christian liked so…" I trailed off when I noticed their surprise at me addressing him as Christian. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No you didn't, but please sit down. This is my job and I can't have you making breakfast." Mrs Jones insisted.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take over, I didn't realise."

"It's alright." She smiled a genuine smile and I felt myself relax. "Though Mr Grey won't be very happy with me if I let you do all the work." I knew she was half joking but the hint of seriousness in her tone made me step back. She moved around the breakfast bar to finish what I started.

"Oh well in that case." I said. She let out a little chuckle as did I.

"What were you going to make?"

"Well, the first time Christian…I mean Mr Grey brought me breakfast he got a bit of everything so I was just returning the favour. I have fruit salad and toast yet to make but that can be done when he comes right?"

"Yes ma'am"

"Please call me Ana, or Miss Steele if you must. Ma'am makes me feel old." She laughed.

"Ok Miss Steele"

"That was easy, Taylor still calls me ma'am" I said as I looked to Taylor who was still standing in the same position.

"I'm sorry if it upsets you ma'am" he said, with a hint of amusement. I laughed at him.

"No you're not." I joked. For the first time, I saw a hint of a smile on his lips. Taylor reminded me so much of my dad. He spoke only when necessary and took his job very seriously. I don't know why, but I had the feeling that I could trust him, and that wasn't something that came to me naturally.

"Taylor, thank you for the clothes you brought." I said, remembering the night I broke down. "I'm sure it's not in your job description to get things for me so…thank you."

"There's no need to thank me ma'am, I'm glad you are alright now."

"Yeah" I said, "and sorry for the way we met." I looked down in an attempt to hide my blush. He had found me with my lips locked with Christian's as I straddled him on the floor.

"It's alright." He said, and that was the end of that conversation.

"What time does Christian usually get up?"

"A lot earlier than 7:30."

Christian's voice resonated through the penthouse and I looked up immediately to see him walk towards the kitchen. He had on his boxer shorts and the t-shirt still, and his hair was tousled up. His legs were lean, muscles clearly defined and streamlined, as if he had been carved to perfection. The shirt stuck to his torso to highlight his physique and once again I was distracted by his forearms that were on display, the veins that were running down them and to his hands. I saw his hand lift and move to his hair as he combed his fingers through it and looked down straight away without looking at his face. I had to stop doing that.

"Good morning Mr Grey" I heard Mrs Jones behind me. I moved to sit down on the stool at the breakfast bar and saw Christian come to sit in the stool next to me.

"Good morning Mrs Jones." He looked at me with a smirk on his face. "Good morning Anastasia."

"Good morning" I said as I smiled briefly. He leaned in to give me a chaste kiss on the lips, much to the delight of Mrs Jones who was clearly trying to hide her joy. I wondered why this was such a big deal.

"Why didn't you wake me?" he asked, slightly confused.

"You looked so peaceful I didn't want to disturb you."

"Yeah…" he looked away as if deep in thought.

"You ok?" He turned to me at once.

"Yes, I just don't usually sleep so well. Must be the effect you have on me Miss Steele." And as if on cue, I blushed again.

I was thankful for Mrs Jones presence at that point. She took the muffins out of the oven and placed them in front of us, together with the omelette, toast, coffee, and fruit salad. She put a cup of boiling water in front of me with English Breakfast Tea on the side. I looked to Christian questioning how he knew.

"You were drinking it in the café." He shrugged as if it was inconsequential. It meant a lot to me that he remembered.

"Thank you" I said, quietly so as not to reveal the little tremor in my voice. He was surprising me at every turn, knowing me better than I knew myself. I didn't realise I was so transparent. Or maybe it was Christian, he was that attentive. Either way I liked it, and I was slowly growing accustomed to the idea of liking it.

"Did you make this?" he asked as we put the food on our plates and started to eat.

"How can you tell?"

"It looks different from Mrs Jones' food."

"Yes, just the muffins and omelette though."

"It's delicious." I looked at him. "Thank you," he said. He leaned forward to kiss me again. His lips pressed firmly against mine and I melted into it as his tongue run across my bottom lip, moaning slightly before he quickly moved away again.

"You're welcome" I said, barely managing to keep it together. It was only then I realised that Mrs Jones and Taylor had both disappeared.

"How long have Mrs Jones and Taylor worked for you?"

"A few years now. Why do you ask?"

"They must like you to stick around for so long" he chuckled.

"They're just very good at what they do."

"And they live here?" I asked, wondering how they got here so quickly this morning.

"Yes, they have their own quarters." Just then, his phone buzzed and he answered it.

"Grey" I had never heard him sound so…so angry. "Cancel it, cancel all my meetings until 12." And with that he hung up without a goodbye.

"Who was that?"

"Andrea, my personal assistant."

"You sounded so angry at her" he looked at me in surprise.

"I don't work to make friends, they know what they need to do, what I expect from them and they do it."

"Oh" I took a few more bites of my omelette. "Did you cancel the meeting because of me?"

"Yes" he said, not apologising for doing it.

"Why?" I asked, not knowing how he could just do that for me. It was just breakfast.

"Because I can" he smirked.

"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I mean weren't they really important meetings?"

"Anastasia" he said, as he grabbed my hand. "I'm the boss. If I want to cancel a meeting to spend time with you, I _will_ cancel the meeting. Now eat."

"Ok" I said, though my appetite had now significantly reduced. "How did you start the business?"

He spoke calmer now. "A friend of my mother's loaned me some money when I was in Harvard. I dropped out and started it and here we are."

"You dropped out of Harvard?"

He looked at me as if to question how I could not know this. "Yes. Did you not read any of what Miss Kavanagh wrote about me?"

"No," I admitted. "I've never really paid too much attention to gossip either to know anything else about you." He seemed to like what I had said.

"My father wanted me to become a lawyer like him. I had the grades and could have done it but I didn't want to. When I was loaned the money, I saw the opportunity and took it."

"Was your father upset with you?"

"A little disappointed but he could see I wanted to do it. I became successful quite quickly so that made up for it a little."

"Successful? You're a billionaire, I don't think successful is quite the word. Kate called you a hot genius" I laughed and he laughed with me. Almost immediately I realised what I had just told him.

"Hot?" he asked, suddenly looking at me very intensely. "And would you happen to agree with her?"

I felt the fluttering start again and my cheeks redden as he looked at me, waiting for my response.

"Yes" I whispered.

"I love how you are affected by me" he said, as if to himself. I looked to my plate and covered my face with my hand as I took another bite of my food. He wrapped his fingers around my wrist and prised my hand away before pulling it to his lips.

"Ana, don't be embarrassed. I told you already, I don't want to have to tell you again," he said and he kissed my knuckles. I sat there transfixed as I looked at his hands, his arms, shoulders, neck, face…

"I love how you look at me, how you blush when you see me notice." _Another kiss_ "I love how responsive you are" _Kiss. _"And the sounds you make when you're turned on"_ Kiss. _"And your little gasp when you came, I liked that. I liked that a lot." He carried on kissing my knuckles, almost mimicking the way he kissed me. My breathing was erratic and my chest heaving yet I couldn't look away. "I love how I have had your only orgasm, your pleasure has been all mine Anastasia."

I blushed furiously as I remembered the dream, wondering whether or not he could tell what I was thinking. I felt his lips stop moving as his eyes darted upwards, finding mine and locking them in place.

"Anastasia, is there something you want to tell me?"

I tried pulling my hand back but he just held on tighter. I used my other hand to hide my face and groaned at myself, at my stupid cheeks that wouldn't stop blushing every time my thoughts wandered.

"No?" I said, saying it as if it were a question and not a statement.

"Ana" there was that tone. He seemed almost angry at me.

"I um…" I looked at him, willing with my eyes for him to let me stop. He was unrelenting, he stared back expecting an answer.

"I had a dream last night" I said quietly as I possibly could. His eyes widened and his eyebrows rose.

"What kind of dream?" I chastised myself internally for the dream, telling off my subconscious self for dreaming what it did.

"Erm…you were doing things to me in the bed and I woke up and…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"_I _was doing things to you?"

"Yes, you" I said.

"What was I doing?"

"Do I have to?" I asked, sounding like a petulant teen. He stood up and walked towards me, still holding my hand. My eyes closed. He stopped when he was right behind me, so close that I could feel his heat against my back. He leaned forward and his breath tickled my ear as he prepared to whisper into it. Just as I thought he would say something, he lowered his head and kissed me on the spot under my ear and I gasped involuntarily as pleasure spread through me.

"Tell me Ana" he whispered. "What was I doing?" he released my hand and stopped touching me altogether but remained close.

"That." I said, my voice shaking.

"What?"

"You did that, you kissed me in the same spot."

"Hmm, interesting. Tell me, what else did I do Miss Steele?" he asked, his lips moving closer but barely touching. I whimpered.

"You ran you lips down to my neck and back." I said.

"Is that all?" He started blowing in the same spot I had just described.

"No." I said, my voice wavering.

"Mmmhmmm, keep going." How long was he going to make me carry on?

"Your hand made circles on my stomach as your erm…my back was to you and you…my hips I pushed them. Back." He moved his hand back and placed it on my stomach, not quite where it was in the dream, and then rested it there.

"Did I tell you to stop talking?" Oh. I couldn't think straight.

"No… you drew circles on my hips then my breasts and then…" I lowered my voice "…you asked me if I was wet."

"Did I now?"

"Yes" I gasped as he pinched the bud on my nipple. I was almost writhing in my seat and worried about the pool of wetness that I was sure was now covering the stool.

"And what did you say?"

"I said yes" I moaned as he moved to massage both my breasts with his hands. His tongue was now trailing the line that he had made with his kisses on my neck up to my ear before he blew on it again.

"You asked me what I wanted and I told you to touch me." I said, feeling bolder as the pleasure increased and I could feel myself climbing, trying to reach the peak.

"Did I stop?" I could hear the arousal thick in his voice as he asked me, his erection digging into me every so often.

"No!" I almost shouted in whisper as he pinched both buds again, harder than he had before. The fabric of my dress prevented him from pressing too much harder but I found myself wanting more. The minute he let go, I felt the sharp sting of the pain recede into a beautiful radiation as it travelled through to my core. Like my dream, I was attempting to rock back and forth against something, anything but the way he was stood behind me stopped me.

I was panting. Christian carried on massaging my breasts, occasionally tugging at the bud before releasing it again. I was writhing on the stool, my moans coming out shorter and louder as he stepped closer into me, his erection now firmly held against my back.

"Were you rocking against me Ana like you were yesterday?"

"Hmmmmm" I couldn't speak. His massage was become almost brutal as the pleasure came in intense waves, tightening my core with every second that passed.

"Were you?"

"No…your- " I gasped as he pinched my nipple again.

"No what?"

"Your hand!" I scrunched my eyes shut tightly as his hands continued their assault, his lips and tongue working at my neck, sucking and licking as he did so. My hands gripped the bar tightly and I could feel them getting numb at the strength I was holding on. And then he stopped.

"Please!" I pleaded again, the coil receding rapidly as he let go.

"Please what Ana?"

"Please don't do this again please, please"

"Again?" he said, sounding surprised.

"Don't make me ask."

"Oh Ana," he said, clearly pleased and aroused at the thought. "I believe I'd like to hear that."

_Damn!_ He reached for my breast with his right hand and started massaging again as his left travelled lower to the space between my legs. My breathing was out of control, my heart beating to match my panting and my thoughts lost. I was too needy, too desperate to stop him, the pressure building within me again as my release loomed. His hand moved back and forth over my sex, avoiding the one area I needed it the most and then just as before, he let go. I groaned in frustration.

"Say it."

"Please" I mewled.

"Shall I touch you?"

"Please" I repeated

"Where?" This was new, this wasn't in the dream. I didn't know what to tell him. I felt him work at me again, touching my nipple and sex and so badly wanted that release, to be tipped over the edge as the pleasure consumed me. His lower hand moved higher slightly until I felt a shockwave pulse through me.

"THERE!" I shouted.

"Say it Ana."

"Please, let me come, please, please, please." I almost sobbed. He listened as he pinched it with one hand, his other pinching my sore bud and I screamed out my release. It was intense, more intense than the two orgasms I had already and I felt it go on and on as Christian rubbed his hand over my sex, prolonging the sensation. His other hand gently brushed over my nipple again and I felt my body spasm, the touch sending another shock through me as I gasped again. It was amazing, dizzying, terrifying that this man could affect me in this way.

I let go of the breakfast bar and felt the blood return to my fingers. Christian grabbed my hands and massaged them before putting his arms around me, holding me up as I felt my body slump. My face was flushed and my breathing attempting to return to normal. It seemed like it took forever. I finally relaxed into him but tensed again as I felt his erection against me.

"Christian?" I asked, like I had yesterday.

"Yeah baby?" he replied as he kissed my forehead.

"I'm sorry."

I could feel him stiffen behind me so I turned around, his arms still around me as I did so. I stood up so that he wasn't leaning down over me and looked up at him before the nerves crept in and my gaze lowered. It was surprising this time though, that the thought of what Christian had just done to me didn't make me nervous, it was more that I couldn't do anything for him in return.

"I um…don't know how to do that for you," I said.

I felt him noticeably relax as I said the words. He put both of his arms around my neck and tilted my head up. His head lowered and he planted a very soft kiss on the corner of my mouth.

"You have nothing to be sorry for" he said.

"But isn't it awkward?"

He laughed. As beautiful a sound as it was, I couldn't help but feel inadequate, as if I wasn't enough to satisfy this gorgeous man that was stood before me.

"Ana, it's fine," he said. I was still unconvinced and as a result of the nerves, started to ramble.

"But you've done that for me and it was amazing and I know it must be hard for you. I mean I don't expect you to wait for me, actually you shouldn't have to wait for me. I can't do anything, I don't know what I'm doing. You deserve someone who knows how to please you, you should – "

He cut me off with a scorching kiss, his lips hard on mine as his tongue probed my mouth. This wasn't a sensual kiss, or one of desperation. It was a kiss of anger, he was attacking my mouth with his and I all but forgot what I had been thinking.

"Ana!" he said as he broke off the kiss. My eyes were still closed. His voice was throaty and deep. I opened my eyes to find him looking at me, intently into my eyes as if his vision didn't stop there. It was as if he could see through me, through all my fears, all my anxiety and see _me_.

"There you are. I like seeing you." He said. I smiled at him. The words were becoming those of sentiment, like when he called my baby, and there was nothing more befitting for that moment. His returning smile melted another barrier as I felt it fade away.

I reached up on my tip toes and moved my lips closer to his, looking at him as I did so. Our lips barely touched before I heard a gasp behind me. I turned around to see a lady standing behind me. She was smartly dressed with her hair tied back. She looked older than Christian, like she could be his mother, and then it hit me…

"Oh my god." I muttered.

"Mom" Christian said as he smirked at me. He let me go and walked to his mother. "What are you doing here?" he asked as he leant down to give her a kiss on her cheek. She smiled a warm smile and I could tell she loved him very much.

"Well I heard that you weren't in the office so came to check on you before I went to the hospital" she said and then alternated her gaze between me and Christian. "You've never been late before."

I was surprised at that, he cancelled for me.

"Mother this is Anastasia Steele. Anastasia this is my mother, Dr Grace Trevelyan Grey." Christian said.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Dr Grey" I said as I moved to shake her hand. She surprised me by pulling me in for a hug.

"Oh dear, call me Grace, Dr Grey is so formal. And it's a pleasure to meet you too Anastasia"

"Ok Grace, only if you call me Ana."

"Ana," she said. "Well I can see you're fine. Sorry for interrupting you."

"How's dad?" Christian asked.

"Your father is your father" she said, chuckling. "He's fine. Will we see you on Sunday?"

"Of course" he said, smiling at her.

"Great. Ana you're more than welcome to come too. We have lunch at 1."

"Thank you," I said, looking to Christian for reassurance. He had an impassive look on his face so I settled for a maybe.

Grace looked at me again and I saw her laugh a little at a thought she had and nodded her head.

"What is it mom?"

"Oh nothing son, I'm just happy to see you is all."

Christian smirked, and I knew exactly what he was thinking. I smirked back.

"It's ok Grace, I thought he was gay too, I even asked him." Grace's eyes bulged as she took in what I said before she burst out laughing. We both joined her.

"Must say I'm surprised son, you never gave anything away. As for you dear, I haven't been able to ask him in years."

"He wasn't too happy at first"

"I'll bet. Don't let him get to you, his bark is worse than his bite." I saw Christian roll his eyes. "Anyway, I'll be off. It was lovely to meet you Ana."

"You too" I said. She gave Christian a kiss on the cheek and disappeared into the foyer. I looked at Christian as he walked towards me.

"It's ok, I won't go on Sunday."

"You don't want to go?"

"You want me to go?"

"Sure, you've met half my family now. Just dad and Mia left. Have to warn you about Mia though, she doesn't shut up." I laughed.

"Thanks for the warning."

"Now, where we were?"

He held on to the side of my hips and pulled me to him. Just as he was about to lean in, his phone buzzed.

"Fuck!" he whispered, getting angry. He got it from the counter and answered it. "Grey. Fine I'll be there." He looked at me and I could tell he wasn't happy.

"Sorry baby I have to go, Taylor will take you back. Is that alright?"

I felt a little disappointed that he had to go but then so did I. I had last minute packing to do and Kate was waiting for me.

"Oh no, Kate!" I shouted as I ran to get my bag. Christian followed.

"Ana, it's fine, I texted Elliot she knows."

I groaned, I knew I had another inquisition waiting for me at home.

"Sorry Ana but I have to hurry. I'm going to take a shower and get dressed. You can take one after me ok? Taylor brought you some more clothes."

"Ok" I said. He gave me a chaste kiss and walked into the bedroom.

It was a short while later when Christian came back out wearing a light grey suit with a navy tie. His eyes were even more striking, his whole demeanour alluring as he walked towards me. I felt my pulse quicken at just the sight of him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" He said. He gave me a deep kiss and I let out my tongue to catch his. His answering groan was all I needed. I reached up to grab his hair and ran my fingers through it, eventually settling for the hair just above his neck and holding it. He stopped suddenly, bit my bottom lip and tugged it before letting go. I loved the way he did that.

"Tomorrow" he said, his voice raspy.

"Tomorrow" I whispered.

I saw him leave with another security guard that I hadn't recognised and went to shower myself. I found the bag of clothes that Taylor had left for me and changed. It was only half an hour later when I went to meet Taylor by the elevator.

"Thank you for driving me all the way to Portland Taylor. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not ma'am."

"Why thank you sir" I retorted. He chuckled a little and gestured for me to go into the elevator first when it arrived.

It had been an interesting 24 hours, and I would have a lot of explaining to do when I saw Kate and Jose. I had such a great time that I almost forgot why Christian was seeing me tomorrow.

Graduation

And just like that, my mood soured. I sighed, pondering over what I could or should do. Taylor noticed but said nothing and I was grateful. I didn't want to talk about it. My graduation was just a day away, and though I knew that I had friends and Christian to support me, I couldn't bring myself to be excited about it. The mere thought of coming home afterwards filled me with dread. I didn't want that feeling, to come to the door and find a police car waiting for me. The last time the news I received nearly broke me completely, and if I could avoid the same feeling tomorrow I would.

But that was silly. If I could stay at home, I would worry about what was happening to Kate, and Jose, and Christian at the ceremony. I could at least be with them to make sure nothing happened. But that wouldn't work either, I could never make sure nothing happened, it was just how things were. I just needed to stop being afraid.

I realised then that I cared. I cared enough about the few people in my life that if anything should happen, it would break me. And that one solitary thought confirmed that I was no longer alone.

I smiled at the thought.


	12. Chapter twelve: Graduation

A long one for you.

ImTrying

* * *

**Chapter twelve: Graduation**

Morning always came too quickly. I was lying in my bed, at 6am and wide awake. Today was graduation and I honestly didn't know what to make of it. I had a mixture of emotions running through me, the relief at finally completely my degree at odds with the dull ache in my heart as I remembered how happy my parents would be for me. I wanted them to be here, to cheer me on as I went on to stage, to take embarrassing pictures that they'll hang on the wall that they would one day show my children. I wondered what they would have thought of me dating Christian, whether Ray would threaten to load his gun or mom would blush at the sight of him. I wondered – that's all I could do.

I returned from Seattle yesterday to find that Kate and Elliot had pretty much packed everything. My room was done too except for the pillow and blanket that I would need tonight for sleeping, and a few toiletries. The apartment felt so empty and were it not for Jose being my saviour at the last hour, I would have gone crazy. He came by, rescuing me from Mr Darcy again as Kate was out giving a 'special' thank you to Elliot for all his help. I didn't even want to think about what that was.

Christian called to make sure I got back safe and I assured him that I did. He was still insisting that I go to graduation, telling me that it wasn't something I would have the chance to experience again. Jose for his part said the same, telling me that I shouldn't cut things out in my life just because they cannot be shared with my parents. Sooner or later I would have to accept that they wouldn't be there to see me make something of myself, to give me away on my wedding day or to dote on their grandchildren. That acceptance would start with me going to graduation, a relatively small moment in comparison to the others that I had the rest of my life to live.

So as I made my way out of the shower, I quickly got dressed to head to the kitchen. Most of the things were packed except for the kettle and toaster so I made myself some tea with toast. Kate was up early to practice her speech for the ceremony though I didn't understand why; it was perfect, and Kate was the perfect person to deliver it. She had read over it in front of me so many times that I found myself mouthing the words along with her.

"Kate, you're going to be great. But please don't repeat it again, I can only hear it so many times" I said as we both sat drinking tea on the floor in what was the living area.

"I just need it to be perfect"

"It will be, though Ana's right, I can't hear it again either."

Elliot walked into the room wearing nothing but his boxers. I looked to Kate and saw her eyes glaze with lust as she took him in. He acted completely unfazed by her staring, though I could tell that he knew exactly what effect he was having on her. It was the same that Christian had on me. I held my head down, not wanting to see more of Elliot than I needed to.

"It's alright Ana, you _can_ look," he teased. I let out a nervous chuckle.

"Nope I'm good thanks."

"Elliot would you _please_ put on some clothes, you're scaring the poor girl."

I looked up to Elliot's face and saw him look at Kate with a smirk before he walked ahead to get himself a drink. He returned and sat next to Kate, still in his boxers. I looked at him and took in his physique. He was incredibly toned, slightly leaner than Christian but still very muscular. The definition in his abs was apparent, much like the rest of his body, and he had a slight tan. As good-looking as he was, I wasn't affected by him in the least, not like I would have been had it been Christian sat opposite me.

He wrapped his arm around Kate's waist and pulled her close for a kiss. It was a chaste kiss, but the way he looked at her and held on to her made her melt and I had to look away. It was a beautiful moment between the two of them, something that made me shy every time they looked into each other's eyes.

"Shall I put some clothes on?" he asked her again.

"I think it's best." she murmured

"I didn't see you complaining last night."

She leaned closer to him, looking like she was about to attack him there and then.

"Um… right here guys. I'm right here" I said, feeling extremely uncomfortable. They both stopped, as if I had snapped them back from whatever reality they were in.

"Sorry Ana," Kate said.

"Yeah I'm sorry too…" It was Elliot's turn. He looked at me, _almost_ as if he meant it. I could see a hint of a smirk playing at his lips as he tried to keep a straight face. "…Kate wants me all the time. To be honest I feel a little used, I mean don't get me wrong the sex is awesome and the sexual favours too but she just doesn't stop. Makes me wonder if that's all she wants me for. I'm sorry if you want sex all the time Kate, but Ana's right here, it's not appropriate this time."

"You're such an ass. You're walking around in next to nothing and you expect me not to notice?"

"What exactly did you notice huh?" he teased, as he looked at her waiting for answer.

"You just…your…y…oh shut up."

He laughed and I joined in. I could tell that Kate was trying really hard not to laugh herself.

"Seriously though Kate, the speech is amazing, I'm sure you'll ace it."

"Thanks babe," she said, before I saw the expression on her face change. She looked at me a little wary, as if to gage what kind of reaction I would have at her question. "You still not coming?"

I sighed. I actually didn't know whether I could, and though I knew I had people to support me, I still felt nervous.

"I don't know. I want to but then I..." I looked down and started to fidget with my hands. "…I'm really scared," I whispered. Kate was just about to respond before we heard a knock on the door.

"Are we expecting someone?" I asked.

"Not that I know of" Kate said.

I walked to the door and looked in the peephole but couldn't see anyone. I opened the door and there was no one there. I turned around to look at Kate and Elliot and shrugged before stepping outside just to make sure no one was stood to the side. I looked to my right and sure enough I felt my heart race as Christian stepped towards me.

"Miss Steele," he said, stopping just in front of me.

"What are you doing here?" I said slightly confused. I knew he would be at the university today but he didn't say anything about seeing me beforehand.

"I wanted to see you."

I could feel the emotion bubbling to the surface as I reflected over the meaning of his words. He wanted to see me, see me as I had slowly allowed only him to, and I lunged for him. It took all his strength not to fall as he staggered backwards when I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him. I held on tight, pulling his hair as I poured everything into this one kiss. This wasn't a kiss of lust, it was a kiss of need. I needed him, needed him desperately to make me forget, to make him understand what his being there meant to me, to know that finally, I wanted to see him too.

My tears flowed towards our mouths as I sucked and nipped at his lips and he caressed mine, running his tongue over them before pressing against mine. When I could taste the salt of my tears, I knew Christian could too. He bit my lip and tugged it backwards before loosening his grip so I could stand again. He cupped my cheek, letting my tears run over his thumb as he looked at me.

"I'm so sorry, I'm just so glad you're here."

He pressed me against his chest and held me there, comforted me and kept me safe. I heard Elliot gasp behind me but thought nothing of it as I melted into him, letting the tears run their course before I looked at him.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome baby." He smiled. I smiled back before turning around. I looked at Kate and saw a mixture of surprise and worry on her face. Elliot looked too, smirking at us both but I could see the surprise on his face as well as he looked directly into my eyes. I looked up at Christian and noticed the anger on his face.

"For fuck's sake Elliot would you put some clothes on!"

I had forgotten Elliot's lack of clothing and wondered why Christian would be so mad. It wasn't like I would do anything, neither would Elliot for that matter. I saw them exchange a glance, Elliot questioning Christian with his eyes though what he was asking, I had no idea.

"Sure thing bro. Oh and Ana…"he looked at me "…that was hot" and winked. I felt my cheeks redden and looked down, embarrassed that our little moment had an audience. He walked away towards Kate bedroom to get changed.

Christian rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath so I couldn't catch his words. He looked at Kate and bowed his head.

"Miss Kavanagh"

"Grey" she said.

I could tell from their interaction that their meeting hadn't been entirely friendly, but seeing my reaction to Christian, Kate couldn't resent him as much as she had. She just looked at me, worry etched on her face.

"You ok?"

"Yeah" I said.

And I was. It was surprising how much of an effect Christian had on me but I found myself getting lost in him. I looked up at him as he looked down at me and smiled before turning back to Kate.

"Sorry, I just let my emotions get the better of me."

"It's alright. But what are you scared of?"

"Did something happen?" Christian asked, his body suddenly tense and his tone one of rage.

"No, nothing bad, just scared about today." I felt him visibly relax as Elliot returned to the room, now clothed.

"About your parents? I'm sure they'd be proud of you." I looked at Elliot in shock as he tried to reassure me with his words and saw the realisation on his face as it dawned on him that I hadn't mentioned anything about my parents to him.

"Who told you?" I asked, my voice really quiet. I looked at Kate and Christian, alternating my looks between them. When neither of them answered, I looked back at Elliot.

"Elliot?"

"I'm sorry Ana I -"

"I don't want an apology, it's not your fault. Who told you?"

He looked down and didn't say anything. I looked at Kate and Christian again and saw the guilt on both their faces.

"You both did," I said. I don't know why, but I almost felt betrayed that they had been discussing something very difficult for me with someone who I didn't want to tell yet.

"Ana please." I heard Kate say as Christian turned to face me head on.

"How much did you tell him?"

"I just told him why you were so upset Ana. I wouldn't have told him otherwise but I was talking to him on the phone when you came home crying. I promise that's all Ana."

I looked at Christian so he could explain himself but it was Elliot who spoke.

"Ana that's all they said, I promise. Christian didn't tell me anything, I mentioned it to him, told him to be careful."

"Careful?" I looked to him.

"So that he wouldn't hurt you. You're already hurting too much."

I looked at all three of them and I felt my feeling of betrayal fade. They were concerned, and even though I didn't know Elliot very well, I had always felt comfortable around him. His words floored me and I couldn't help but like him even more.

"I mean I didn't want him to lead you on then come out of the closet you know?"

I heard Christian growl. "Fuck off Lelliot."

I burst out laughing, and they all looked at me before hesitantly joining in.

"Does your whole family think you're gay?"

"Ana, it's Christian Grey. They wouldn't ever say it to his face, but the whole world thinks he's gay." Kate said as she laughed, finally relaxing.

"Hey it's not our fault. He's never shown an interest in anyone, guy or girl so we just thought he would tell us when he was ready."

"Oh for fuck's sake, I'm not gay." Christian said, not happy with the topic of conversation. I went up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Oh I know that Mr Grey." I winked.

His eyes widened a little in shock at my forwardness before he gave me a massive grin.

"Ugh, Ana you're even worse than me." Kate said.

"Sorry" I muttered as I turned my head to look at her and let go of him. I couldn't help the smirk on my face though. I rested my forehead briefly against his chest before turning around completely.

"You ok Elliot?" I asked as I looked at his face. It was the second time he looked at Christian with a similar expression.

"He's fine." Christian said, willing with his eyes to tell Elliot to knock it off. I looked at him confused.

"Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Not here baby."

"Okaay" I said, reluctantly agreeing.

"I have to go, I have a meeting before the ceremony."

"Ok."

"I'll have my security take you."

"No you don't have to do that. I'm not sure I'm even going yet."

"Because you're scared?" he asked, remembering Kate's words. I looked at him and then down as I knotted my hands. Again I started to fidget, looking everywhere to avoid making eye contact with any of the three people stood around me.

"I've been holding on to this pain and grief for so long. I feel like by going to the graduation, I can let it go but I don't know what's going to happen the other side of that. I'm scared that this is just the start, that if I'm ok with going there without my parents then I'll be ok with other things too. Bit by bit I'm going to lose them all over again if I don't hold on to something."

I was surprised at the honesty of my own words. I hadn't ever thought those exact words before, but hearing myself say them, I realised how true they were. I was terrified. I didn't want to let got for fear of what would happen once I did. It was easier holding on to what I knew.

"Ana…" I heard Kate and looked at her. She looked at me with glossy eyes and it was only then that I realised my own eyes were watery. She didn't say anything, just came up to me and gave me a hug. I hugged her back, thankful that she was there.

"You can still float…" she whispered. "…Do you remember asking me that? How I do it?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"You have been drowning for ages, but you can decide whether you let those memories anchor you down, or keep you afloat. Either way, you can always keep them with you."

I nodded into her shoulder in agreement as she finished and felt her hug me a little tighter.

"Thank you."

"Ana." Christian called out to me. I let go of Kate and looked at him.

"Go, I'll be fine." He looked almost pained to leave me, especially in the state I was in. "Seriously, I have Kate and Elliot knows too. Jose will be here in a bit as well. I'll be fine I promise." He still looked unsure.

"Ok, but I'll leave a car out here just in case ok?"

"Ok" I agreed, as I gave him a chaste kiss and said goodbye. I walked him out and stood there for a moment, processing what had just happened.

"Ana, I'm going to get ready. You want me to help you?" Kate asked. I looked at her and nodded very slowly.

"I don't know what to wear."

"It's alright, I've got something for you. Jose had your gown and hat ready for you, it's in my closet."

Elliot left a little while after Christian, telling us he would meet us there. It took only an hour for me and Kate to get ready. She had dressed me in a navy dress that came down to my knees and hugged me at the waist. It was simple yet elegant, a small neckline and broad shoulders with no sleeves. It had an A-line skirt and Kate paired it with nude heels, a simple necklace and barely-there make-up. She wore a red figure-hugging dress herself with dark eyeliner and lip gloss.

We put on both of our gowns and looked at the clock. It was 12, and we had to leave in half an hour for Kate to make it on time. As a speaker, she had to be there early.

"Jose!" I said as I opened the door and hugged him. He had agreed with Kate that they would go together, but I hadn't told him that I was going yet. He looked at me in my gown and up to my face for confirmation.

"Yep, I'm going" I said quietly.

"Oh Nannie" he said, as he hugged me again, really tightly. "My dad's going to be there, he can't wait to see you,"

"Me too" I said. I hadn't seen Jose Sr in months. He had been a good friend to my parents and to me so I couldn't wait to see him. Jose smiled at me before walking to Kate to give her a hug.

"Ready?" he asked.

I looked down at myself, and got the hat from the kitchen counter. I put it on and felt my heart suddenly pound in my chest, my hands felt clammy and my legs weak. _This is it _I thought. I was finally going to my graduation with my friends. I started to feel a little dizzy and leaned back, taking in an extra breath to calm myself down. Jose and Kate were with me in an instant.

"Nannie, come on it'll be fine. We've got you." Jose said.

"I know I'm just really nervous. I …I'll be fine."

"Ana,"

I looked at them both and saw how concerned they were. _Get a hold over yourself_ I kept thinking as they linked arms with me and walked me to the door. We approached the car and in the corner of my eye, I saw a man standing there, waiting by a big SUV.

"Ma'am," he called out.

We all stopped and turned to look at him. As he got closer, I recognised him as the security guard that Christian had left with yesterday.

"Christian sent you didn't he?" I asked.

"Yes ma'am, my name is Luke Sawyer. Mr Grey has asked me to take you wherever you need."

"Thank you for the offer, but Ana will be going with us." Kate said. I looked at her and at Jose as they waited for me to answer. I felt my heart sink, my tears threatened to spill as my legs almost buckled.

"Guys I'm so sorry I can't do this."

"Ana come on, it's just a few hours and it'll all be over. I promise you'll be fine afterwards."

Kate tried to reassure me but it didn't work. I could think straight. I missed my mom and dad so much, I wanted them here. The reminder was too painful, it just wasn't fair. Jose came up to me and put his hands on my shoulder. He looked directly into my eyes and when he knew he had my attention, started to speak.

"Anastasia. You are a smart, strong, beautiful woman who I have loved every day since the day you were born. I played with you, looked out for you, took you to your prom, and lived with you when your parents died. You might thing you have no one there for you, but you have never been alone. I have _always_ been there, and I will be there today, cheering on three times as hard as anyone else. From myself, from Ray, and from Carla. Don't ever think you can't do this, I know you can. I know you miss them, hell I miss my mom all the time. But you will be making them even more proud than they already would be by walking out there, just like you have made me proud of you."

My tears flowed down my cheeks as I listened to him. It was the most sentiment he had ever expressed and I was so thankful for it. He was right of course. He had been there for me, and I didn't even realise how much he had done for me. Even when I thought I was alone, he knew better than that. He's been my constant my whole life.

"I love you Jose. Thank you, for being there for me."

I hugged him tightly as Kate waited by the car door. I don't know how long we stood there, but I clutched on to Jose as tight as I could, willing him not to disappear from me too.

"Uh guys, we have to go."

Kate brought me back to reality as I let go of Jose and held on to his hand tightly before letting go. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, the affirmation that these people were really here for me, really taking care of me was just what I needed.

"Guys I'll meet you there." I said. They both looked at me in shock, as if I was backing out again and I was quick to explain myself.

"I will come, I promise, Mr Sawyer here will bring me. There's just something I have to do on my own ok?" I looked to the stranger and he nodded in confirmation.

"Ok" Kate said, a little unsure. "I'll see you there?"

"Yes you will"

"See you in a while Nannie."

I smiled at Jose.

"Of course"

They got into the car and drove off as I turned to go back to the flat.

"Uh, Mr Sawyer I'll be right back."

"Just Sawyer ma'am."

"Ok, and I'm just Ana" I said, hating that he called me ma'am. He chuckled.

"Sure Ana, I'll wait here." He smiled at me and I smiled back. That was easy.

I walked into my apartment and went to my room to look for my jewellery box. I found it in one of the boxes that Kate or Elliot had packed and took it out. I rummaged inside until I came across what I wanted.

The locket was beautiful. Mom wore it all the time, she never took it off. She told me that dad had bought it for her when she agreed to marry him, and she wore it every day since. Dad told me afterwards that he bought it the day he met her -he knew then that she was the one he was going to marry.

I opened it up to find a picture inside and started to cry. It was of mom holding me when I was born, dad standing next to her as she looked at me and he looked at her. They looked so happy and so in love, they were always in love. I leaned back until I felt the bed and fell on to it, sobbing uncontrollably for what felt like hours. I clutched the locked close to my heart and closed my eyes, thinking back to the day of my high school graduation, the morning when they saw me in my gown, the happiness that radiated from them as I walked up to them.

I let the sobs ebb away as I calmed down, the sobs now hiccups as my breathing returned to normal. I held the locket out next to me and ran my fingers over the picture.

"Hi mom. Hey daddy. I miss you so…so much,"

I held back a sob and continued.

"I uh…I'm sorry it's taken me so long to talk to you. I guess I should have done this before. I just wanted to let you know that I'm…I'm starting to get better.

I fell apart after you left. Jose and Mr Rodriguez were so good to me, taking me in and letting me live with them after…well you know. Anyway, I um…gosh I'm going to be late. I just wanted to let you know that I love you very much and…I hope you're proud of me, wherever you are. I wish you could have been with me today but I know you can't. And that's ok, I know it's ok now. I have good people around me so you don't have to worry about me.

They're really great you know. I didn't see it for a long time, but I know you'd like them. They take good care of me and I'm opening up to them. Kate, you'd love her, she's so funny and strong. And Jose, well you know Jose, he's like a brother to me. Oh and Christian, dad I know you'd be cleaning your rifle if you were here …"

I let out another little sob as I half laughed at the thought.

"Yeah, if he hurts me you can haunt him or something. But he's been so good to me, and I think you'd like him. You too mom… Anyway, I have to go now but um… I promise I'll speak to you soon. I love you both."

I brought the picture to my lips and kissed them both. I took off the necklace I was wearing and replaced it with the locket. I don't know why I hadn't worn it before, but I knew the time was right for me to wear it now. I felt like they were actually with me, and they would be, walking up with me on the stage.

I wiped the tears off my face and was startled when I turned to see Sawyer standing at the door. He looked sad, as if he had heard what I had said.

"Geez Sawyer you scared me."

"Sorry ma… uh Ana. We're going to be late."

"Do I look ok?" I asked, referring to my face which I'm sure was puffy and my eyes red.

"You look fine," he said, feeling a little awkward.

We walked to the car and made it to the ceremony in no time. From the look of things, everyone was already seated by the time I made my way to the theatre where the ceremony would be held. There was only a slight noise as everyone quietened. I didn't have a chance to check my seat number so I settled for a spot near the side, standing to listen to the speeches. I looked at the stage, hoping to catch the eye of Christian or Kate but they looked to be talking to each other, Kate explaining something as Christian looked worried and angry. He shook his head at hearing something and looked up, spotting me immediately. He took me breath away.

He was wearing the dark grey suit, the same one he wore when we sat in the café. His tie was a light grey, matching the shade of his eyes and his hair perfect as ever. He looked directly at me and held my gaze as the presenter made his way to the stage. I saw Kate turn her head to follow the direction of Christian's stare and smiled at her, giving her a little wave to let her know I was there. She smiled at me and I looked back at Christian, his answering smile wreaking havoc on my emotions as I wanted to both laugh and cry. I sighed deeply and looked away, listening to the speeches.

When it was Christian's turn, he walked to the podium gracefully, shaking the previous guy's hand before starting his speech. He spoke about the funding that he had given to the university, the shared responsibility that we have to give back to those who are less fortunate, and his own experiences. He spoke of the environmental science department, the work they were doing and his plans to introduce projects and schemes that would slowly reduce hunger around the world. He spoke of his own experience of hunger at a young age and I immediately thought back to his birth mother, the way he was without food for days as he waited to be found. My heart ached for him and I wanted nothing more than to run to the stage and comfort him and the poor boy that still resided within him.

He looked at me as the speech ended with a huge grin as the audience applauded him and then returned to his seat. I couldn't help but laugh back at him. Kate was the final speaker, and as she made her way to the microphone, I saw her look into the stage to signal something. I followed the direction of her sight and saw Jose sitting in the front row, looking at me with a smile on his face. He was beaming, so glad that I was there and gestured for me to sit in the empty seat next to him. I was pretty sure I couldn't do that so I nodded no but upon his and Kate's insistence, I walked to the seat, having gained the attention of almost every person there.

As I found the seat and sat down, Jose put his hand above mine and I spread my fingers to interlink with his. He looked at me and smiled before looking to Kate. I turned to look at Christian who was staring at our hands, his jaw tight as he looked to be controlling his anger, or jealousy. I squeezed Jose's hand once more and put it back into his lap and returned my gaze to Kate.

"My fellow classmates, I had a speech rehearsed today that I was going to read to you. I have practiced it so many times that not only does my roommate know it but my friends and boyfriend know it too. I've been told I don't have a lot of time as the other speeches dragged a little…" the crowd laughed lightly "…so I will give you shorter one.

It is often said that one event can change the course of your life. This is not more evident than it is here today, as I stand before you fellow graduates before we embark upon our adventures in the real world. We all have our dreams and aspirations, and the hard work that we have put into our studies over the years at this magnificent university is testament to the potential that each one of us has.

We all came to the university with different backgrounds and my own one is unique. I am the daughter of a media mogul, whom some of you are no doubt familiar with. I pursued a degree in English Literature as a means of determining for myself a path that I could choose independent of my family, despite my genuine passion for journalism. Others of you have chosen your degrees for your families, for your children, your friends, or for yourselves. One such person chose the degree for no other reason than her love for the subject…"

Kate paused to look at me and waited, as if to ask my permission whether it was ok for her to talk about my past. A month ago I wouldn't even have considered coming here, but as she looked down at me, I nodded slightly and smile, willing her to continue.

"…That one such person has dedicated her time to her studies and work and graduated with top honours. Her background was very different to mine. She started university in order to study the same degree as me, to make both herself and her parents happy. What many of you don't know is that her parents died when she graduated from high school yet here she is before me today, a woman of beauty and brains who will no doubt continue her success in the future. The step she has taken today to be here, knowing how much it reminded her of her parents, has shown me that if we truly believe in ourselves, with the support of those around us, we can push our own boundaries to move forward towards something far greater for us than we ourselves can envision.

What I have learnt from her, and what I will share with you, is that sometimes, the smallest struggles are the hardest, yet when we overcome them, they lead to the greatest successes. The big events may be the ones we remember, but the small steps are the ones that ultimately lead us to our end goal. And it is in recognising the steps we have taken that we can see how far we have come…"

The presenter tapped Kate on the shoulder and she sighed as she listened to him.

"And as I cut my speech even shorter…" The crowd laughed again."…I would like to say that I am extremely proud to see how far we have all come in our time here. We have overcome our own battles and succeeded where others have not. We have worked hard and I am honoured to represent you all as we take our next steps to our futures. Thank you."

The room applauded and Kate looked at me before she went to sit next to Christian. I let out a sigh, not realising that once again, tears had fallen down my cheeks as I held the locket tightly in my hand. Kate changed her speech for me, and it was amazing. She reminded me that as long as I tried little by little every day, I would be able to bare the pain a little better until I floated again. I would have to thank her later. Once again I was reminded how amazing a friend she was to me.

The presenter called the Chancellor to the stand next and announced that it was time to hand out the certificates. Christian walked with him as the Chancellor announced the names and Christian handed out the papers. One by one, each student walked up and laughed, posed, jumped or screamed as they were handed the certificate. Others just walked straight past, shaking Christian's hand and then sitting back in their seats whilst the ladies tried very blatantly to flirt with Christian on stage. He didn't look impressed, and instead kept glancing to me to check I was still there.

When I heard my own name being called, I gasped. I didn't realise the moment had come, and yet I had made it this far. I had come to my graduation feeling scared at not having my parents with me but found with greater conviction that they would always be with me. They would be with me in any way that I remembered them.

I walked up, feeling shy at the number of eyes on me and towards Christian, locket still in hand. I could see his shoes as I neared him, and heard Kate, Jose and Elliot howl above the applause as I held out my hand. I laughed, still looking down as my heart pounded and my legs shook. _This was it_. I walked a little more and felt a hand on my chin as Christian made me look up.

Upon seeing his face, a sob escaped from my lips as I realised what I was doing. He moved the hand away from my chin to wipe my tears and with the other hand, placed the certificate in my empty hand. He could see it shake and put his hands around it, kissing my forehead at the same time. My eyes immediately closed and I let out another sob.

_I love you mom and dad, so much. I hope I made you proud._

Christian pulled me to the side as the crowd suddenly went very quiet. I looked out towards them but Christian kept his eyes on me, his knuckles caressing my cheek as he lent down for a soft kiss, his lips barely brushing against mine. I looked at him and smiled briefly before the Chancellor signalled the next person to come up, annoying Christian by doing so. I was about to walk away but Christian kept me by his side, holding on to my hand tightly as he handed out the rest of the certificates. I didn't even realise the time fly as I kept holding on to the locket in my hand. I thought of my parents, and as Christian walked me off the stage, I thought back to what Kate had said. She was right, it was as if my parents were right there with me all along, helping me to float. All I had to do was let their memories carry me forward, not hold me back.

When the ceremony finally ended, the faculty members went off stage and everyone dispersed. I could see people stare in our direction but I didn't care. I held on to Christian's arm tightly as he led me behind the stage. Once there, he lead me to an empty office and pushed me up against the wall, his hips holding mine in place as his arms rested on the wall on either side of my head. He looked at me, and I couldn't make out his expression. It was as if he was angry, lustful, and pained all at once.

He leaned forward abruptly and kissed me with ardour, our tongues clashing as he dug his hips into mine. I groaned at the sensation as he started to rock his hips back and forth slowly and placed his hand possessively around my neck. I could feel myself getting wet, the fluttering starting in my core as the intensity of the kiss increased. He continued to kiss me, almost painfully until I was gasping for air and he pulled back just as abruptly.

_"Fuck!" _I heard him whisper. He leaned down and placed his hand over his knees as he gasped for air. I did all I could to drag the air into my lungs as my lips tingled at his withdrawal. He looked up at me and sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" I asked. I didn't know what was going on.

"I shouldn't have done that."

His breathing calmed even more and as he saw the locket around my neck, his expression softened.

"Dad bought it for mom. He gave it to her when she said yes to marrying him."

Christian walked back to me and rubbed his knuckles over my cheek. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes" I whispered. I looked at him questioningly. "Why did you kiss me like that?"

He looked exasperated. He ran his hand through his hair and looked at me.

"It doesn't matter" he said, his tone clipped.

"Yes it does"

"Ana. I didn't like the way you held the guy's hand."

"Jose?" I asked, confused.

"Yes" he said as he looked at me. "I'm a possessive man Anastasia, and I don't like anyone touching what's mine."

"What's yours?" I said, still really confused. This was a new side to Christian, one I hadn't seen before. But then he had never had reason to act this way before, it's not like I hung out with any other guys or went clubbing.

"Christian, Jose is my friend, my best friend. He's like a brother to me. I've known him my whole life."

He snorted. "It didn't look like brotherly love on his part."

"Well it is for me." I snapped. "He means a lot to me, I lived with him when my parents died ok?"

"Ok!" he said, looking defeated. "I'm sorry."

"Come on," I sighed. "I'll introduce you to them."

We walked out of the office and I tried to ignore the stares of everyone around us. When we got to the hall, Kate and Jose were stood together as their families mingled. I saw Jose Sr and smiled, walking quickly to him as he came to me.

"Ana!" he said as he hugged me tightly. I knew where Jose got his hugs from.

"Mr Rodriguez, I'm so glad to see you."

"You too Ana, I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you sir," I said, affected by the affectionate tone of his voice.

"And you parents would be too" he said as his voice wavered a little.

"I know" I said and nearly choked on the words. Christian stood by my side and rubbed a little circle in my hand to show he was there for me. I had to keep it together. "Oh, where are my manners? Mr Rodriguez, this is Christian Grey, Christian this is Jose Rodriguez Senior, Jose's dad."

Christian held out his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you sir,"

"Likewise young man. I hear you're quite the successful man."

I giggled and found Christian look at me with a warm smile.

"Yes sir."

"Well, success or not, you best take of our Annie here. Ray might not be here with his rifle but he wasn't the only marine with a gun. If you hurt her you'll have me to answer to."

I tried to hold back the smirk as I thought back to what I said to dad earlier. I wondered how Christian would react but looking at him, I needn't have worried.

"I won't hurt her Sir, I assure you," Christian said, his voice firm and sincere. Just as Jose Sr was about to respond, I saw another man behind Jose Sr walking in my direction.

"BanANA!" he shouted as he picked me up and spun me around. I let out a squeal at the surprise and laughed when he put me down.

"Hey Ethan"

"Aw come on, you're not excited to see me?"

"Ecstatic!" I said and laughed again. I looked to Christian who looked at me in anger again, though I recognised straight away from the way that he looked at me when I held Jose's hand, it wasn't anger. It was jealousy, possessive jealousy. I rolled my eyes at him and saw his darken. _Oh crap_, I immediately thought back to our date and wondered what he would do to me for rolling me eyes.

"Christian um…this is Ethan, Kate's brother. Ethan this is Christian my um…er…" What do I call him? We haven't discussed that.

"Boyfriend" Christian said as he held out his hand. He looked shocked at his own revelation but quickly recovered as his exterior changed to business mode, his stance taller and more intimidating as he shook Ethan's hand.

"Nice to meet you" he said, giving Christian the once over. I looked between the two of them and shook my head. _Men_

"Are you staying for long?" I asked.

"No, just here for the day though I'll be back in a few weeks. You did good Ana, congratulations on your degree."

"Thanks" I said, feeling a little shy. "Let's join the rest of the gang."

We walked to the group and made introductions as everyone looked at Christian. I introduced him to Jose, begging him not to do anything stupid but he just smiled, albeit forced and shook his hand. Jose shook it back, looking at Christian warily as if wondering what his intentions were with me. I didn't dwell on it as the small talk carried on and everyone drank their drinks. I thought seeing Kate and Jose with their families would leave me feeling upset, or resentful that I didn't have mine but it didn't. I looked at them interact and smiled, loving the jokes and the dynamics in both families as they spoke to each other. It was a good day, and I knew that my parents would like them. I smiled at the thought.

When it was time to leave, both families invited me to go with them, the Kavanaghs planning having dinner in a swanky restaurant nearby as the Rodriguez' chose something more to my liking.

"Um, thank you both but I honestly just want to get back to the apartment."

"Ana come on!" Kate said. "It's your graduation, you have to celebrate."

"I already did" I smiled.

They all looked at me and nodded in understanding before saying their goodbyes. I looked at Christian charm his way through and then look at me when we were alone. I felt my heart race as he stared into my eyes.

"You ok?" he asked.

"Yeah" I said.

"You don't sound convinced," I laughed.

"No no, I am ok really. I'm just shocked I guess. I didn't expect to feel like this."

"Like what?"

"Happy I guess. I didn't think I'd be able to get through today. I mean I didn't even plan to go and now it's finished I feel relieved almost."

"Relieved?"

"Yeah, I made it. And I felt like my parents were with me the whole time you know?"

He smiled at me before tilting his head forward and pulled me close to him. Our bodies were flushed against each other and my breathing clearly affected. He leaned his forehead against mine.

"Wanna get out of here?"

"Please" I whispered.

Taylor drove us back to the apartment and it was a quiet ride as I reflected on the day. Christian didn't say anything but held my hand, reassuring me with the gesture and I smiled. It had been a long day, emotionally and mentally draining but I had made it through, made it with the support of my friends and the gorgeous man that was sat next to me.

I didn't even notice when we stopped the car that we weren't at my apartment. I looked up at the building as I stood out of the car and noticed it was the Heathman, the same hotel Christian had brought me to when I saw the accident. I shivered as I remembered it and Christian stood behind me to engulf me in an embrace. I held on to his arms before releasing one and walked with him, not letting go. I didn't care that he had brought me here, I knew he wouldn't do anything I didn't want to and truthfully, I was glad to be with him and not alone.

We got into the elevator and Taylor stepped back, giving us our privacy. Immediately the mood shifted. I lunged at him again, wrapping my legs around his waist as I kissed him. He had been there for me, not just today but for the past few weeks and I came to the conclusion that had it not been for him, I wouldn't have made it today. I was falling for him hard and fast, and I wanted to show him.

When the elevator doors pinged open Christian carried me into the room, our lips still attacking each other's, and sat me on to the breakfast bar. It was tall enough for our faces to be level so that we could stare at each other. I looked at him as I pulled back and studied his features as he did mine.

"Have you eaten?" he asked.

The question was so unexpected I couldn't help the laughter that escaped me lips.

"No I haven't,"

He looked at me amused.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Because you sure know how to ruin a moment" I laughed.

"I don't want you to be hungry"

He was concerned about my hunger. Knowing how important it was to him, I sighed and kissed him, very softly on the corner of his mouth.

"That was a beautiful speech today by the way."

"Not boring like you said it would be?" he teased. I giggled.

"No, it wasn't. I'm so sorry for what happened to you."

I saw anger flash through Christian's eyes then sorrow and pain before the anger returned.

"It's fine. Grace saved me, and I'm so grateful to her for that. But I don't like when people waste food, I don't think you appreciate it until you live without."

"You should never have had to go through with what you did." I said as I reached out to put my hands on his chest. He looked at my hands and looked almost afraid before relaxing again. I looked at him, willing him to explain what he just thought.

"Ana, I uh…have a fear of people touching my chest and back. That's why Elliot was shocked today because I haven't ever let anyone touch it."

"Ever?" my pitch increased.

"No, well except for Mia but she was just a baby when my parents adopted her. Other than that, just you."

"Why?" I whispered. I looked at him and was seeing him for the first time. He was letting me see him.

"I have scars on my chest, from cigarette burns…." I couldn't help but gasp as I felt my eyes water. "…the pimp used me as an ashtray so when people touch me I can still…"

He gulped and I reached for his arm, hesitating to check it was ok. He moved it forward and I ran my fingers down it, settling on his hand. His eyes were screwed shut tightly now.

"…I can still feel the burn every time someone touches me there."

"Is that why you flinched when I touched you the first time?"

"Yes, I was expecting the burn but with you, it never came."

He didn't let me think about for long before he changed the subject. I didn't want to push him so I said nothing.

"Come, let's have dinner." He helped me off the bar and walked me to a stool as he went to order some room service. Once he was finished, he came to sit next to me.

"Christian?"

"Yeah?" he replied, looking at me slightly worried at what I would say.

"I like seeing you."

He looked hurt, upset and raged as I said those words. "You don't know me, I'm a heartless monster Ana."

"Not to me you're not. I think you're a beautiful man, inside and out."

"Ana, don't. I'm a cold shell of a man. I'm selfish for wanting someone like you but I can't help it. I want you so badly but I want you to stay away from me all at once."

"Why?" I asked, suddenly feeling a little panic. Would he tell me to go?

"Because when you know the real me, you'll run away from me."

I looked at Christian, the confident, intimidating man that I once believed I knew and saw nothing but a broken man who was insecure about the love people had for him. This beautiful man believed these lies, the lies that he wasn't worthy of love, that he wasn't capable of it or deserving of it. He was just as afraid as I was, at pushing people away to avoid the fear of getting hurt only he was trying to push me away to stop _me _from hurting. That confirmed to me more than ever that he cared for me more than he dared to admit to himself.

"Christian. Look at me."

He looked up hesitantly and into my eyes. I held my hand out and he placed his in it.

"I like seeing you. And I'm not afraid to say that I like you seeing me."

"Ana I – " someone knocked on the door.

"Nope, I don't want to hear any more. We will have our dinner and not talk about this ok?"

"Ok" he said, smirking at my command. I rolled my eyes without thinking and regretted it instantly. I think. Yes I regretted it. Although the way he was looking at me now, eyes filled with lust, I was tempted to do it again.

"That's twice you've rolled your eyes at me Miss Steele. I told you that you would find out what happened to those who disobey me if you did that." He looked at me with a grin so devious, so salacious that I felt my core tighten and my panties get wet. He let the waiters in and they left the trolley in the room before walking out.

We sat down and ate the dinner in near silence as we shared stole glances, knowing what the other was thinking. I was struggling to eat anything but knowing his issues with food, forced myself to have as much as possible. When the meal finished, I stood up to clear the plates but he simply looked at me and I stopped.

"Anastasia," he said, his voice stern. I gulped and stood stock still as he looked at me.

"Yes?" my voice was meek, unsure as I answered him. I looked down and noticed the bulge in his trousers and gulped once more. He saw me looking at him and smirked, but I felt a little uneasy. I wanted to please him, to give him what he had given me but I wasn't sure how. I knotted my fingers and looked away.

"Ana," he said and I heard him come closer to me. He stopped a foot away from me. "Ana what's wrong?"

"I um… I want you to teach me" I said. My cheeks were bright red as I forced the words out, not knowing how he would react. I looked up and saw him look at me intently as he considered my request.

"Teach you?"

"Yes" I whispered. I cleared my throat to get more sound out. "I want to do for you what you have done for me"

"Ana I don't expect – "

"I know" I interrupted. "I want to."

He carried on looking at me. He was staring for so long I wondered where his mind was or whether he really wanted this, wanted me. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he held out his hand and I put mine in it without thinking twice.

"Let's go to the bedroom."

I didn't say anything, just followed as he led me to the same room we had shared the first time we slept next to each other. He stopped just as we reached the bed and let go of my hand.

"Wait here."

He walked into the bathroom and I collapsed on the bed, head down as I wondered what he was doing. It felt so good, my entire body relaxed as I turned my head to the side to look at Christian. I was taken aback by the expression on his face. He looked at me, lustfully, his eyes dark and his lips parted. His stance was different to what I had seen before, he was standing taller, more commanding and intimidating. Without thinking, I bit my lip and saw him inhale sharply as he walked slowly towards me.

"Do you trust me?"

His voice was so soft yet at odds with his demeanour, alluring, dangerous. I looked at him, my eyebrows knitting together slightly as I considered his question. He stepped closer a little more and my breathing accelerated as my entire body tingled with anticipation.

"Anastasia, answer me," he said, his voice stern.

"Uh I…um…" I didn't know what to say, he was looking at me and my words were lost. I did trust him, but the man stood in front of me looked so different, completely different to the Christian I knew. It was as if he was hunting me, locking my eyes with his as he rendered me immobile with his gaze.

"Ana, do you trust me?" he asked, his voice slightly softer.

"Yes" I whispered.

"Stand up," he ordered. I obeyed immediately so that I was stood before him.

"Take off your robe and hat." I took them off and put them on the bed.

"And the dress"

I looked at him, into his eyes for reassurance. I would be left standing in my underwear. He sensed my reluctance and moved closer.

"I won't do anything you don't want me to. Trust me."

I unzipped my dress from the back and let it fall to the floor, feeling incredibly shy and very red as my cheeks blushed furiously under his gaze. I heard his intake of breath as he looked me over and instantly felt wet yet embarrassed. I tried to put my arms to use, to cover my stomach or legs but there was nowhere I could place them that would hide me.

Christian moved closer and grabbed both arms just below the elbow.

"Anastasia, you a beautiful woman, don't shy away from me,"

I reluctantly relaxed my arms and he released them from his grip.

"Lie down on the bed like you were before." I looked at him and hesitated only for a second before I moved and lay on the bed. I could feel him move behind me, and suddenly I felt anxious at not being able to see what he was doing. The fact that he was so close was unnerving and whereas before, I wanted to hide from him, right now all I wanted to do was look into his eyes to confirm that everything was still ok.

"You rolled your eyes at me twice today Anastasia" he said, and I immediately tensed, wondering what he would do to me.

"Hey, relax" he said, softly as he placed his hand on the middle of my left calf and ran it upwards towards my ass. "I'm going to make you feel so good," he said as his hand travelled further still, so slowly until it reached the curve of my buttock. I felt the bed shift to signal him sitting next to me and groaned when he massaged my cheek, feeling my juices seep out on to my panties as he moved to the other cheek.

"So beautiful," he murmured. "So perfect,"

I moaned as he continued to massage the right buttock before running his hand down my right leg. When his hand reached the end, he lifted it and waited a few seconds, not doing anything. My head was facing the other way and I daren't move as I lay there. All of a sudden I felt his lips on my thigh, just under the curve of the cheek and moaned as he licked it, nipping and sucking as he move further upwards. I didn't have time to feel embarrassed as his hand slapped my right cheek and I yelped.

"Shhh, I'll take care of you." He said, his words soothing and seductive at the same time. He massaged the now slightly tingling cheek and I felt the wetness between my legs increase. He grabbed it firmly, squeezing it slightly before lifting his hand and slapped the left cheek. I didn't yelp this time as I knew what to expect. The stinging was sudden but short lasting as it faded away, travelling to my core to tighten the coil that was now winding more and more.

He massaged the left cheek again and then ran his hand down the crease of my ass, the panties stopping him from making any skin on skin contact. I moaned as his fingers reached my opening and bucked my hips upwards. I heard him chuckle a little.

"Eager are we Miss Steele?"

SLAP!

He slapped my right cheek and the process started over again. I groaned as he massaged it, his tongue running over the seam of my panties on my left buttock. He moved his hand between my legs again and cupped my sex from behind, his finger lingering over my entrance as the wetness increased.

"So wet, I like that" he said, his voice low and guttural.

"Christian." I gasped, as he landed another slap on my left cheek. He continued to repeat this, alternating between slapping, massaging and kissing my behind as the pain receded and sent waves of pleasure to my core. His hand travelled further south every time he ran his hand over my sex, closer towards but never quiet touching the sensitive nub. By the time he had landed a fair few slaps on my cheeks, I was panting, writhing on the bed and craving a release.

"Please!" I said as he cupped my sex again and I used the opportunity to rock my hips against it. He moved his hand abruptly and I growled in frustration, desperately craving some friction to get my release.

"Uh uh, not yet," he said, his voice laced with desire but calm nonetheless. He massaged my cheeks with both of his hands and I mewled, the slight stinging against my sore behind sending me ever higher towards my release.

"Your cheeks are a lovely shade of pink Anastasia," he said. He ran his fingers down to my core again and as I bucked my hips up, he took the opportunity to run his other hand under my chest, finding the nipple and pinching it lightly.

"I can smell your arousal." He inhaled sharply. "You smell divine Miss Steele" he said. I was too far gone once again to feel embarrassed. He massaged my sex furiously, avoiding the one place I wanted him to touch the most as he pinched my nipple tighter.

"Please!" I yelled, my eyes shutting tightly as he rubbed more. _So close, _I was so close!

"Please what?"

"Let me come please!" He ran his hand over my nub and I let out a high pitched squeal as my orgasm overtook me. My back was arched and my muscles locked in place as the sensations travelled through every single cell in my body. Just as the feeling started to recede, I felt Christian release my nipple and the waves renewed as the blood rushed to it, sending shockwaves of pleasure through me. The feeling seemed to last for ever, my breathing coming in short pants as I finally went limp on the bed.

I was entirely spent. My heart was pounding and my sex throbbing as the spasms ran through me. My body was flushed and my skin wet as a sheen of sweat covered me. I turned my head around and saw Christian looking at me, his eyes dark as he looked into mine.

"Did you like that Miss Steele?"

"Yes" I whispered, as my breathing returned to normal.

"You were drenched baby, fuck that was hot,"

I looked down and noticed that he was sat on the bed in a t-shirt and boxers. The bulge in them was huge and I gulped as I looked back up at him. He smirked at me as he saw my widened eyes and reached for my hand.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nodded, not wanting my voice to reveal me nerves. He pulled my hand toward him and rested it on the top of his thigh. I looked up at him and he smiled before telling me to look back down.

"I will leave the boxers on if you feel more comfortable that way," he said.

"Is it always this um…big?" I said, feeling embarrassed. He laughed at me though his voice was still thick with arousal .

"Around you, yes"

"Oh" I said.

"Especially when you bite that lip of yours,"

As if on cue, I bit my lip and I heard him inhale then groan as the bulge under his boxers seemed to get bigger. I immediately released my lip and looked up at him, his jaw set tight as he seemed to control his release.

"Do you um…how do you get…um…" I looked down, not wanting to ask if he pleasured himself. This seemed to turn him on even more as my blushed some more. He looked completely smug as he looked at me in my embarrassment.

"How do I what Ana?"

"Find your release," I asked finally, quietly.

"Well lately, let's just say my hands have been very busy."

He looked at me again and held my gaze as his breath quickened. I moved the hand that was on his thigh down a little and then back up again towards his hips. I repeated this continuously, each time getting closer to his erection as he moaned and closed his eyes. I could feel my own pulse quicken again, the sounds coming from him travelling straight to my sex. In an uncharacteristically confident move, I reached for the waistband of his boxers and very slowly pulled them down. His head sprung back immediately as he looked at me.

I stared into his eyes and gave a little smile as I looked down. I could see the tip of his erection straining to break free. I pulled the boxers down some more until his erection sprung upwards towards his stomach. Christian stifled a moan as he looked at me for a reaction. My eyes widened and eyebrows rose as I took in his size. He was huge! There was no way that would fit inside me.

"Show me" I said, as I looked into his eyes. He grabbed a tube that was on the bed and told me to hold out a finger. He squirted some cream on there and told me to run it wherever I felt comfortable enough to touch.

I looked down and very slowly moved my hand closer to him. I put my finger to the tip of his erection and it jerked at the touch. I looked at Christian as he looked at me, his breathing coming hard and fast as his stomach muscles clenched. I ran my finger down the side, spreading the cream before bringing it back up the other. I ran it over the tip again before moving it under this time, reaching the crease where it reached his balls and his hips bucked upwards. I ran it back to the tip again, stopping just at the crease and he jerked forward again. I moved to the tip again and ran my finger and over the top. I could see that it took great control from Christian not to come but I didn't want to prolong his agony. I wrapped my hand around him and started to stroke him.

"Ha, Ana, that feels good," he said, his voice strained. Encouraged by his words, I gripped a little tighter and started moving my hand up and down very slowly, the movement made easier by the cream. It was surprisingly firm yet soft to hold. He groaned at the new sensation and I felt myself getting more and more aroused, my sex aching at the sight of him. I increased the pace and his hips bucked again as he tightened his stomach and thigh muscles, his eyes shut tightly as he controlled his breathing.

"Faster," he said.

I obeyed, increasing the pace and the pressure as he gripped on to the bed sheets tightly. I moved forward, my breasts heavy and my sex wet again as the tightening in my core increased more and more. I carried on stroking him, harder and harder I joined in with his moans. I moved forward suddenly, not able to take it any longer and straddled his lap, much to his surprise. He kissed me, sucking at my lips and turned me over so that he could control the pace at which he moved against me. He rocked his erection against my sex, my soaking panties the only barrier between us. I felt his pace increase as he climbed higher, further and further towards his release as mine loomed too. The tip of his erection rubbed against my clit repeatedly as he grunted against me and I cried as he tipped me over the edge.

I groaned loudly as he continued to rub his erection furiously against me, prolonging the intensity of the orgasm as he tried to find his release. Just as my I started to come down, I felt him still against me as a low growl escaped from him. He had his head pressed against my shoulder and I could feel his breath hitch before it came out in short sharp bursts. I felt the wetness on my stomach as he released his fluids on to me, a final shudder running through him as his body relaxed.

I brought my hand up and rested it behind his neck, my fingers running through his hair as our breathing returned to normal. He lifted his head and looked into my eyes, as if he was searching for something, searching for something to prove I was there. I lifted my head a little, inviting him to kiss me and he did, brushing his lips ever so softly against mine.

Like before, we didn't need words. He rolled over to the side and pulled me with him. I didn't care what state I was in, I was exhausted. It had been a long day and my eyes felt droopy as I fell asleep, nestled in Christian's arms.


	13. Chapter thirteen: Tell me

Hi everybody. New chapter, yay! Thanks for your continued support, keep the reviews coming :)

Many people have asked if I would write in Christian's POV. As much as I would love to do it, and hope that I can do it justice, it's not going to happen at the moment. Sorry to disappoint you, but it's too difficult for me write! I'll try my hardest and I promise to work on it though.

x ImTrying

* * *

**Chapter thirteen: Tell me**

I was surprised to wake up alone the next morning. I sat up with a slight shock as I recalled what I had done the night before, the evidence for which was still on my stomach. I looked around for signs of Christian but found nothing, no sounds or movement to catch my eye. The time was 7 o'clock, and I knew I only had a little time before I had to be at the apartment to help with the moving.

I sat up and looked around the room, walked to the bathroom and checked in there as well. There was nothing. I rummaged through my bag to find my phone saw a message from Christian.

*You looked so peaceful sleeping I didn't want to wake you. I have an early meeting in Seattle, the world of mergers and acquisitions cannot wait. Shower and eat breakfast, Sawyer will take you back home.*

I sighed. I didn't know whether I felt relief that he hadn't just left me without a message or upset that he had just left me without speaking to me. I knew that I would feel shy in front of him, especially after what had happened last night. How would I look him in the eye knowing he had spanked me, and that I had liked it? And I had seen his erection, thick and hard as he came against me. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, that Christian had almost avoided me. And I couldn't understand the mild panic that was rising in me as I considered whether he was unhappy with me, like I would be losing something of value if he walked away.

I decided to dispel my thoughts for the time being and had a shower. Taylor had once again left me some new clothes so I changed into them, remembering to put on the locket and went to the kitchen to see breakfast laid out for me. The locket was my reminder now, my talisman to remind that mom and dad were always with me, that by taking small steps I could open myself to new things without feeling afraid all the time. I had taken one bite of the toast when I heard Sawyer behind me.

"Ma'am, I mean Ana, let me know when you are ready to leave and I will take you."

I turned to look at him.

"Thank Sawyer," I felt nervous around him just standing there as I ate. "…erm, you want to join me? There's way too much food for me and I don't want it to go to waste."

"No thank you, I'll just wait outside for you."

I finished my breakfast on my own and allowed Sawyer to take me back home. It was funny how I had grown accustomed to being around people in such a short time that the idea of eating alone didn't feel so great anymore. I started to dwell on my night with Christian and wondered whether I had done something wrong. The way he looked at me after he came, his eyes searching mine for answers to a question I did not know was playing on my mind. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he had seen in that moment before we fell asleep. I had been so wrapped up in my own issues I hadn't even begun to realise how much I came to rely on him, be around him or just see him.

"Ana are you ok?" Sawyer asked as I felt the wetness on my cheeks. When had I started to cry? I coughed his gaze in the mirror as he looked at me in concern before turning to the road again.

"I'm fine." I choked out and looked away. I had to calm myself before Kate saw me, she could always tell when something was up. I just couldn't understand why I was feeling like this. Yesterday had been such an emotional day for me but I fell asleep feeling content, and Christian and I were talking to each other like two normal people would.

I snapped out of my daze when the car came to a stop and Sawyer opened the door for me. I thanked him, not making any eye contact and looked up as people moved the furniture into a van. Kate saw me and immediately noted something was wrong but with the people asking her for instruction, she didn't have a chance to say anything. I soon busied myself with tasks as well and helped give further instruction with my things. When the apartment was finally empty, we gave our keys back to the landlord and made our way to the cars, me heading to the SUV as Wanda was still not road-worthy and Kate surprisingly walking with me.

"What about your car?" I asked.

"We can come back for it," she said as she motioned for me to get in the car. I sat in and buckled up and she did the same next to me.

"Spill"

"What?" I tried to act casual but I wasn't fooling her. Kate just looked at me and said nothing, waiting for me to cave.

"Kaaate!" I whined and covered my face with my hands.

"Not gonna work, I saw the look on your face when you walked in. What has he done?"

"That's just it," I explained. "I don't think he's done anything, at least I don't know." I sighed and looked at her. "We…did some _stuff_ last night and erm…he left this morning without waking me up."

"Stuff? What kind of stuff?" Kate said before the colour drained from her face. "Oh god Ana, tell me you didn't. He fucked you and left didn't he? The ASSHOLE! Wait til I see him, I'm going to kill him…"

"Kate?"

"..if he thinks he can just do that then he's got another thing coming…"

"Kate?" I said a little louder.

"…going to slice his balls off! Just because he owns half of Seattle doesn't mean he can treat you that way…"

"KATE!"

She stopped talking straight away and looked at me before holding me hand.

"I'm so sorry Ana, I can't believe he did that. I'm here for you babe, whatever you want just say the word."

I looked at her and before I could stop myself, burst into a fit of giggles.

"Ana?" It was her turn to get my attention now.

"Ana?" that just made me laugh even more.

"Ana what?!" she said as she laughed with me.

"You! We didn't do THAT! But glad to know you'd slice his balls for me," I said, and burst into laughter again. She laughed more genuinely this time.

"Well you didn't exactly give me much did you?"

"You didn't give me a chance!"

"I know," she let out one last chuckle before turning serious again. "What happened?"

I told Kate what we had done last night, leaving out any bits of personal information about Christian and about the spanking but enough to let her know what we had done to each other. She listened to me and I could tell she was holding her tongue but she let me continue anyway, let me explain how I felt this morning after reading his text and the panic I felt just before I got out of the car and saw her.

"Wow Steele you've got it bad!"

I groaned at her words.

"Ugh I know! I really like him, and he's been so good to me I just…UGH!"

"You just what? Ana he's a guy, you're a girl. You're acting more like a girl now than I've ever seen. Too girly actually. He probably really does have work, he does run a multi-billion dollar company!"

"I know, I know. I just…I really like him and I feel like I'm going into this blind. I don't know how to date and the only thing he's seen from me is an insecure mess. He's been there for me and I'm beginning to _really_ like him. What if he gets to know me as me now and he realises that he can do better? I mean he's amazing at everything he does, and he's…he's, he can have any girl he wants he's gorgeous and I'm so plain." I sighed as I got out all my frustrations.

"Ana - "

"Kate I already know what you're going to say, and you wouldn't be my best friend if you didn't but I just can't help it ok? And the worst thing is that I already feel like I'd be devastated if he dumped me and I've hardly known him five minutes. I don't even know what we are!"

We sat there in silence as I let the words hang in the air. I forgot that Sawyer was sat in the front but to his credit, he didn't react once and pretended he wasn't even there.

"You going to let me speak now?" Kate asked.

"Yeah?"

"Good. You Anastasia Rose Steele…" uh oh, using my full name was never a good sign. "…are an amazing woman. Sure you're hid yourself away but stop being so down on yourself. I mean he might be acting like an ass right now, leaving you like that but he might also genuinely have some work. If you think he's hiding something, talk to him about it first. I know, genius idea but Elliot makes me do it and it pisses me off when he's right but it works. Usually the worst of it is in your head."

I let the words sink in as she continued her little lecture.

"Oh and for the record, he might be hot but so are you. You have no idea how many guys would come up to me asking about you."

"Huh?" I said, shock clearly registered on my face as Kate laughed.

"Exactly, just because you've never paid any attention to guys doesn't mean they haven't noticed you"

"Ok, ok! I'll talk to him. Or I'll wait until he talks to me about it. Can we drop it now?"

"Only if you agree not to overthink it."

"I'll try. Now, what has Elliot done to make _you_ overreact?"

The attention was diverted away from me and the rest of the journey passed quickly as we revelled in our banter. The day passed quickly too as we unpacked our things and arranged the furniture in the room. By the time it was evening, we were so exhausted I couldn't be bothered to cook so we ordered in, getting pizza and fries before going our separate ways. Elliot called Kate and said he would pop over soon, so I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind off Christian. I assured her that I wouldn't stray far, and would come back after an hour.

In truth, the walk didn't help. I found myself thinking of Christian more and more, and when I saw Elliot in the apartment, I did all I could to stop myself from falling apart. I don't know why he hadn't called me, but no business could possibly be that important that it lasted well into the night. I excused myself, despite their worried expressions and found myself with a book, losing myself in a fantasy world before sleep overtook me.

The following day, Kate and I continued to unpack, having done most of the heavy duty lifting the day before. All that we needed now were to unpack our personal items and give the place a homely touch. We set about doing just that, stopping only for food and the odd phone call from Elliot. We also found a new Krav Maga class that took place on Fridays and signed up to it, though it was too late to go to the one today. Everything was falling into place when my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hi may I speak to Anastasia Steele please?"

"Yes this is she."

"Ms Steele, my name is Elizabeth Morgan, I'm calling on behalf of Mr Roach at Seattle Independent Publishing. We'd like to invite you for an interview next week."

"What?" I stuttered. "I mean thank you, of course I would love to."

"Great, we can schedule it for Tuesday at 10am. Mr Roach will be leading the interview with myself present as well. Is that convenient for you?"

"Oh yes, of course," I said, feeling a little confused. "Um, I'm a little confused, the job I applied for was as Mr Jack Hyde's assistant, will he not be attending the interview?"

She hesitated before she answered.

"Mr Hyde is no longer working for the company Ms Steele." I could sense in her tone that there was more to the story than that. "Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

"No ma'am, thank you very much and I'll look forward to meeting you next week."

We said our goodbyes and I hung up, feeling a little shocked at what just happened. Kate saw the expression on my face and mistook it.

"Ana for goodness sake! Either call him or stop moping, it's starting to depress me!" Kate said in exasperation.

"What? No that's not what I was thinking about…"though it is now, I wanted to tell him that I got the interview. I wonder whether he had anything to do with it. But then he assured me he wouldn't interfere.

"Then what?"

"I got an interview"

I heard her squeal as she came up to me and gave me a hug. "I knew it Steele, I'm so proud of you. Where is it, when? I'll help you get ready, I've got the perfect suit for you. Do you know who's conducting the interview? Doesn't matter I'll help you prepare for that too…"

Kate's words were coming out at a hundred miles an hour.

"Kate!" I said a little forcefully. She looked taken aback and I sighed. "Thank you, I would really appreciate your help." I smiled at her. She smiled back.

"Ok. Now I've got a date with Elliot. Will you be alright?"

"Yes, I'll be fine." I said, knowing she would be concerned. "Have fun, seriously I'm probably just going to read a book or something."

"You can come with if you want?"

"Kate it's fine honestly. Besides Jose's gallery opening is tomorrow night and I might call him to see how he is."

"Alright. Laters!" She almost sung and headed out the door. After five minutes I heard a knock and laughed as I thought she had probably forgotten something.

"Did you fo…"

It wasn't Kate. Christian was stood staring at me, wearing a dark brown tailored suit with a brown tie. His hair looked dishevelled, as if he had ran his hair through it quite a few times and his stance suggested he wasn't quite sure what he was doing standing in front of me, or what he would say. He was looked remorseful, lost and utterly gorgeous.

"Hi." He said quietly. He looked me over, his gaze lingering over my legs as I stood in my shorts and t-shirt. It didn't paint me in the best light but I could tell he was aroused by the glint in his eyes. I tried to distract myself.

"Hi"

"Can I come in?" he asked after a moment passed. I stepped aside not saying anything and let him in. He stood there, taking in his surroundings and I walked into the kitchen to get myself something to drink. I couldn't help but steal glances at him, butterflies fluttering in my heart and stomach as he looked upon me once more.

"The place looks good,"

He sat on the stool opposite from where I was stood.

"Thanks." That was all I could think of. "Want something to drink? We have tea coffee and white wine I think."

"Wine please."

I tried to remember which cupboard I had put the wine in and after opening two drawers, came across a bottle. I pulled down a glass and turned to face him again.

"I hope this is ok, it's Kate's choice. I don't really know much about wines,"

"I'm sure it's fine,"

More moments passed as I poured in the wine for him, getting myself a cup of tea and sitting down near him. The awkwardness increased with every minute that was left in silence, and I wondered how I could break it.

"How is the world of mergers and acquisitions?"

That was the best I could come up with? I didn't want to ask him where he had gone, whether he was intending to leave me altogether. Something about him suggested that is exactly what he was planning to do and confirmation of it would be a little too much to handle. He sighed.

"Ana," I wasn't looking at him. The whole time I had my head down, following the path of my finger as it traced patterns around the edge of the teacup.

"Yeah?" I said, still looking down. This was it, I could feel it. He was going to tell me that he couldn't do this, that I wasn't what he needed, what he wanted. It was unfair of me to use him. Yes, that's exactly what I was doing, I was using him to avoid my own fear of loneliness, to get through all these conflicting feelings inside my head and heart as I came to terms with the loss of my parents and feelings of lust. Or like, or attraction, I didn't know what it was.

"I'm sorry," he said, and put his hand over mine to stop it from moving. I gasped at the contact, feeling the electricity soar through me. He started to rub circles over my knuckles and I closed my eyes at how comforting it was. Really I ought to thank him, he had supported me and given me strength when I needed it the most.

"Don't be." I whispered, my voice betraying the hurt that I was feeling. I still couldn't understand why, why I felt so drawn and attached to him. It was like he was breaking me in an entirely new way and the thought of floating, of trying something new like I had suggested to Kate seemed too frightening. I had to stop myself from going any further now, knowing I liked him already. If I grew to love him, this feeling would be ten times worse.

I stood up and wiped the stray tear that ran down my cheek. I hadn't heard him move so I assumed he was still sat on the stool as I faced away from him. It was only when I felt his arms around me did I realise he knew I was breaking. A sob escaped from my lips as he held me tight and I chastised myself internally for once again breaking down in front of him. He held me for a time, his front pressed firmly against my back and I could feel even in this moment that his erection was hard. I relaxed, letting the tension leave my body and pulled out of his embrace.

"Christian I think you should go."

"Why?" he asked, confusion clearly evident in the tone of his voice. I turned around and looked at him head on as he looked back.

"Isn't that why you're here?"

He stepped forward and moved his mouth as if to speak but I spoke before he could utter a word.

"The night of graduation, I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought you liked what we did, I thought – "

"I did like it, that's the problem," he said, frustrated at himself as his brows burrowed and his lips pursed together.

"I, I don't understand" I said. It was the truth.

Christian stood deep in contemplation before he spoke, carefully considering his words. He sighed and took off his jacket before walking towards the couch, motioning for me to sit down next to him. I did.

"I'm not leaving you."

I checked his eyes to see if he was being honest and found no sign that he was lying to me.

"Don't get me wrong, I did think about it. In fact when I left in the morning, I didn't plan on coming here. I was going to write you or do something to tell you that you'd be better off without me."

I nodded, not knowing what to say. My suspicions were confirmed and I felt like a fool.

"Ana don't do that, this is nothing to do with you. Well it's everything to do with you but not in the way that you think ok? Just…" he ran his fingers through his hair, a sign that he really was frustrated with himself.

"Just what?"

"When you said you liked seeing me…" he shook his head as if recalling a painful memory. "I didn't know what to do. There are things about me that you don't know yet, the extent of my depravity, the deepness of my corruption. I told you I didn't have a heart and it's true. And for me to want you, and stay with you, it just confirms to me what a monster I really am."

"I don't understand, you're talking in riddles. What could you possibly have done that is so bad?"

I let me mind wonder over the possibilities. From what I had seen of him, and what Elliot had said there was nothing that he could have done that would make me think differently.

_I personally think he's hiding something_

Kate's words came back to me and I mused again that my friend was going to be a heck of a journalist. I looked at him, his head in his hands before he looked at me with an expression so pained that I couldn't help but reach out to him.

"Christian look at me." I said. He refused, instead leaning back on the coach and letting his head tilt back. I took the opportunity to sit in his lap, my legs either side of his waist so I was straddling him. The shock of his erection against me immediately awakened my libido and I blushed despite myself, much to his amusement.

"I love the effect I have on you," he murmured, wistfully.

"Tell me," I pleaded with him, trying desperately to ignore the wetness between my legs.

"I told you I don't do the girlfriend thing." I nodded at him. "Except with you of course. Your first date with me, that was my first too."

The confusion on my face seemed to amuse him and I was thankful that it lightened the mood somewhat.

"You…you're…ok. But you've slept with a lot of women?" I asked, blushing like mad.

"Yes. Ana I have a different sexual history to most, one that is too sordid for you. You're so innocent."

"This again? Really?" I asked, feeling myself getting angry as I waved my hands in the air to show him just how angry.

"Ana!" he said, holding my hands in place. "Quite the temper you've got on you Miss Steele."

I could feel his eyes glaze with lust as he looked at me before shifting slightly on the couch. My heart was racing a little at the closeness of his face against mine and it took all my strength to move on.

"You were saying?" I said in a breath.

He looked at me, trying to gage whether I was ready to hear this or not.

"I'm a dominant. Ana."

Once again I was left feeling confused, not knowing what he could possible mean. I had read enough literature to know exactly what a dominant was, but I still felt like I needed an explanation from him as to why it was such an issue.

"Ok…"

"I have only ever had contractual relationships with women, contracted sexual relationships."

"Oh"

It was all becoming clear. He hadn't made me sign anything, and he had only ever _fucked hard_ in his own words. He was confused himself. He had let this go on for too long, my issues obviously preventing him from discussing his lifestyle with me and making me enter into a contract.

I looked away from him and started laughing, though it was laughter at my own stupidity. Of course that's what he wanted, that's why he was so reluctant to kiss me at first, why he tried to push me away on our date by using my 'innocence' as an excuse. Making me orgasm wasn't an issue clearly, but his own one must have set him off. He lost control.

"You lost control on Wednesday didn't you?"

He seemed surprised at how quickly I clocked on, worried at my laughter.

"Yes."

"You didn't plan on letting things get this far. You wanted me to sign a contract." It wasn't a question, just a statement.

"I don't know any other way" he said quietly, as if apologising for the fact. The words hurt. I had let him know me, see me, and his words hurt.

"That's ok" I said, reassuring myself more than him. "You know, I don't think I can do it. I um…I don't want that for myself." I said, and tried to get off his lap. He held his arms around the small of my back and locked me into place.

"Ana." his voice was commanding once again and finally everything made sense – the tone of his voice, his demeanour, the pinching of my nipples, the spanking. I froze, my muscles tense.

"Ana I wouldn't ever hurt you. I've told you I don't want you to run away from me."

"But - "

"But nothing. You will let me explain myself before you even think about getting off my lap."

"Ok" I said, my voice quiet.

"I told you that I like seeing you. I didn't lie. Things _are _different with you. My submissives were all contracted to please me sexually, in any way that I wanted. They all signed a contract detailing what I expected from them and what they could get in return. I don't want that with you."

"You don't?" I asked, allowing myself to hope that he might want me in another way.

"Ana, when you touch me, I've never allowed anyone to do that the way you do. And I've never done vanilla with anyone either."

"What's vanilla?" I asked. This caused him to laugh and me to blush.

"Plain old sex, no toys or games, just standard sex"

"Oh" I said, as my mind wandered to what games and toys he could possibly be thinking about.

"You're different."

"How?"

"Because you can see me," he said, almost looking shy. That one statement explained everything and I hated how knew the right thing to say to me. It explained why he had acted the way he did. This was all new to Christian and maybe, he was just as scared as I was.

"That's why I was so afraid when you said it on Wednesday, I have never let anyone see me the way you do. I didn't even kiss any of my submissives and I can't get enough of kissing you."

I smiled a shy smile and he smirked back, knowing that I was a little turned on at the reminder of all the times I had kissed him.

"How many have you had?"

The question escaped before I could control it and I instantly regretted it. He looked at me, his eyebrows knitted together as he exhaled deeply.

"That's ok, don't answer that."

"Fifteen."

"Fifteen? You've had sex with fifteen women?"

"I've had fifteen submissives Ana."

"How long were they with you?"

"It varied, some for three months, others a few years," he said, eyeing me warily as he explained himself.

He left it to me to fill in the blanks and my eyes widened when I did. He'd slept with so many women and there was no way I could do what any of these women did, much less his submissives.

"Christian"

"I love it when you say my name," he said, his face moving to me ever so slowly. I wasn't expecting that from him, and my breath caught in my throat when his hand moved lower, grabbing my ass and bringing me closer to him.

"Loads of people say your name," I said, the coil in my stomach tightening as he continued to stare me down.

"No they don't, the women never did."

"I can't be like them."

Christian tensed at my words, his hands freezing in place as he looked at me in anger. I could tell that he was telling me the truth, that he was behaving different with me but still the implication was there. This life was all he knew, and I didn't want to give myself to him knowing there was a possibility I couldn't be what he wanted,

"Ana, I don't want you to be like them. I told you I'm fascinated by you, not any other woman."

"But your needs, I don't know how to do what they – "

He cut me off with a kiss so strong that I had to hold on to his arms for support. His hand held the back of my head, attacking my lips to the point that they would almost bruise. He was fierce, the pressure of his lips causing me to moan as his tongue pushed its way into my mouth. He could sense the moment I started to melt into the kiss, letting him take control of me as his other hand moved up to the small of my back. His erection was ever present beneath me, and his answering groan as I rocked against it proved to me how much I affected him. He held me in place, making sure there was no gap between our bodies as the kiss slowed, my chest heavy and my sex dripping as he massaged my tongue, licking it slowly with his lips as if to make up for the way he attacked it earlier.

"Ana" he groaned, his voice coarse and his breathing mirroring mine. "When I said I was sorry, I meant I was sorry for leaving you in the morning, not sorry for coming here."

"Where did you go?" I asked, still clinging on to him, my head buried in his shoulder.

"See my shrink," he chuckled. "You bewitched me, I needed proof that you hadn't done some voodoo shit on me."

I sprung back and looked at the amusement in his face, though it didn't reach his eyes.

"Seriously? I think you have it the wrong way around. You just look at me and I turn into a mess."

"Oh really Miss Steele?" His eyes darkened as he looked at my lips "I thought I told you not to bite that lip."

I immediately released it from my teeth and let out a heavy breath. He ran his fingers over it, side to side as I sat there motionless. He looked at me, at my chest as it heaved up and down and then into my eyes. He smirked, knowing exactly what he was doing and I rolled me eyes.

"Oh Miss Steele, what did I tell you about rolling your eyes?" His look was dangerous and I stopped breathing altogether. He was so turned on right now and the way I was sat across his lap gave me no opportunity to escape. I raised my eyebrows at him, a show of defiance as I remembered the result of the spanking and challenged him.

"Spank me"

His head jerked a little and he looked at me in shock. His fingers had dropped and seeing the opportunity to run despite my obvious arousal, I jumped off him and made a run for it, squealing as I did so. I could feel him try to grab me but he was too slow, still in shock from what I had just said to him

"Oh Anastasia, you don't know what you're starting here baby."

I was stood in the kitchen, the breakfast island between us as he walked over slowly. I matched his movement, moving around the island every time he tried to draw closer to maintain the same distance between us. He was turned on, his expression one of amusement and excitement as he stroked his chin, contemplating his next moves.

"Well Mr Grey, it seems like you have no way to get to me right now so I won't find out will I?"

"Is that right?" he mused.

"Mmmhmm" I replied, and he suddenly lunged forward, barely missing me as I ran back to the lounge, taking refuge behind the couch. He walked over slowly and it only made me more nervous, his demeanour calm and collected as he watched me looking around the apartment.

"There are only so many places you can go before I catch you. And you've just upped the excitement for me Miss Steele. I plan on having my way with you when I get you."

I reacted to his words, a shiver running through me as I felt the wetness between my legs increase. He saw my reaction and pounced, his strong arms circling mine as he flung me over his shoulder, his other hand smacking my behind as he walked to Kate's bedroom.

I couldn't stop giggling at the situation and I could tell he was happy at my reaction. He carried on walking and I let him, waiting until he sat down with me over his knee before I said anything. He started caressing my bottom and I moaned despite myself, so turned on that I was ready to give up just so he could give it to me.

"It seems you liked your spanking Miss Steele." he said. I could once again feel his erection straining against his trousers as his hands moved to the valley between my legs, brushing on my inner thigh but moving dangerously close to my sex. He started to stroke the area and I moaned.

"Christian, I don't think… oooo…." I couldn't finish my sentence, his hand cupped my sex and started rubbing back and forth.

"Yes Miss Steele?"

I gasped as he increased the pressure, and managed to get the words out.

"My room…down the hall."

He stilled immediately and like before, scooped me up over his shoulder, not saying anything back.

"Put me down!" I insisted, but my pleas fell on deaf ears as I giggled. He just smacked me on the butt again and carried on walking. I tried a new tactic, slapping him back on his ass and he flung me on to me bed. I bounced a couple of times before the bed stopped moving and looked at Christian, my chest rising and falling rapidly as my giggles started to recede.

I looked at him, really looked at him and saw that he was aroused. The bulge in his trousers was huge and his eyes were roaming over my scantily clad body. He unbuttoned the button at his collar and took the cufflinks off before rolling up his sleeves. _I love his forearms_ I thought as I let my gaze travel upwards to his face. He was staring at me intently, wondering what he would do and a thought entered my mind.

"Did you like what I did to you?"

He looked at me, not expecting that question and willed with his eyes for me to explain what I meant.

"When I touched your erm…" I said, blushing furiously as my eyes accidently fell to the bulge in his trousers. I looked back up at him and saw his gaze soften.

"Yes"

"Really? I wasn't sure what you liked, you didn't really say anything and um…"

"Ana…" he cut me off "…that's why I left in the morning. Being a dominant is all I've ever known, pleasure and pain going hand in hand. I wasn't surprised at my orgasm, I was surprised that I could have one from such a gentle touch. It's at odds with everything I've ever been told."

"My touch?" I asked, wanting him to reassure me that it was me, only me that had elicited this reaction from him. I wanted there to be something that I could do for him that couldn't be done by anyone else, that the other fifteen had never done.

"Your touch. Quite a few firsts with you Miss Steele, I've never looked anyone in the eye after coming either."

"You haven't?" I asked, my tone revealing my disbelief.

"Never, my submissives were never allowed to look me in the eye."

"But…but you look in mine all the time." I spoke my thoughts out loud. I fell back, lying on the bed and reflected over his words. He had impersonal contractual relationships before, never letting them do or see anything other than gratify him sexually. I was different, I _am_ different. He wants more with me.

I felt the bed shift next to me as Christian climbed on. He lay on his back too, and turned his head in my direction. I looked at him and smiled.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey?" he asked, amusement evident in his voice. "After everything I tell you, you say hey?" He was repeating what I had said to him after I witnessed the accident, before I succumbed to the hysterical laughter. I giggled at him and saw his eyes light up. He sighed before shifting to his side and leaning his elbow on the bed to rest his head on his hand.

"You have the most captivating eyes I have ever seen."

I blushed at the compliment and did all I could to not look away. It was as if he was relaying my own thoughts about him.

"And I look into them, because I like seeing you Ana."

I was lost to him, there was no coming back from it now. He liked seeing me, and my heart swelled at his words as his hand travelled up and down my thigh. It was making gentle strokes, barely there, inching higher and higher to my sex.

"Mmmm" I moaned as my eyes closed.

"Do you like that baby?" Christian asked, very softly into my ear.

"Christian," I whispered.

"Say it again" he said as his fingers moved to massage my sex up and down, the shorts barely concealing my wetness. The tingling feeling was slowly increasing, his fingers working at winding me up ever so slowly as he kissed the corner of my mouth.

"Christian."

I opened my eyes and found him staring into mine. I was locked into place, his hot breath tickling my lips as his eyes looked past mine, seeing me. This was too intimate, his body was flushed against the side of mine and his hand continued to work its magic, keeping the same slow torturous pace.

"I want to be in you so bad…" he murmured, "…you're so beautiful."

I wanted to cry. His words made me tremble as I let out a shuddering breath, my chest heaving as he applied a little more pressure to my heated sex.

I couldn't do it anymore, couldn't look at him. I closed my eyes, losing myself to the sensations as my core tightened and my arousal increased. He kissed me, teasing my lips with his tongue as he suddenly pushed hard against my opening, despite the shorts. The gasp that escaped me was his invitation, he thrust his tongue into my mouth, sucking and pulling my own tongue. The kiss was slow, his hands slower and I could feel the tremor in my moans as he continued tormenting me, my breaths coming short and fast and my chest moving frantically up and down. I tried rocking my hips, gyrating against his hand but he wasn't having any of it, refusing me any relief.

"Keep still," he warned and stopped moving his hand.

"No, please…" I stilled and he started again, the gentle touch of his hand causing me to groan in frustration.

"Good girl."

His voice thick and gravelly as he slipped his hands under my shorts, upping the pressure and moving hand in circular motions against my aching sex. I moaned as he kept pushing me higher and higher towards my climax, the gradual climb leading me to what I could feel would be an all-consuming orgasm. I thrashed my head to the side, clutching at the bed sheet as I started to pant, my eyes screwed shut and my leg muscles tensing. His hand was between my folds, his fingers covered in my arousal as he stroked me, faster and faster until I felt his finger push into me.

"Christian!" I screeched, my arms clutching on to the top of his as my back arched. He moved his finger back and forth, the pleasure radiating anew, the pressure wound in me so tight that I was scared at its release.

Just when I thought I would come crashing down, Christian stopped, taking his finger out from me, from beneath my shorts and towards his mouth. I whimpered as the impending orgasm faded away and let my jaw drop when he put his fingers into his mouth, lapping up the juices as if he was kissing his fingers.

"Delicious"

He smirked at me and lowered his head to lick my bottom lip before catching it between his teeth and tugging it back. He thrust the same finger into my mouth and I could taste the remnants of my arousal on it, the sweet musky taste not unpleasant but shocking as I considered it's source. I felt him watching me, his eyes dangerous and I copied him, licking and sucking at his finger before he added another and I did the same. It was strange as hell, but the most erotic thing he had done to me so far.

"Tease" I whispered.

"Oh baby, you have no idea." He mused, as he winked at me.

I needed my release, was aching at the loss and wanted him to carry on. I needed him, my body yearning for him as he lay close to me, our bodies touching and our eyes locked.

"Make love to me."

I was surprised at my forwardness. Christian stilled at the words, and regarded me carefully as he looked for affirmation. I was a ball of nerves but there was nothing in this moment that made more sense, nothing I wanted more than to do this with him. He had made me feel safe, secure, comforted and by letting me in on his secret, which I wasn't sure why he was ashamed of, I knew he was letting me in, letting me see him.

"Christian" I whispered, as I leaned up on to my elbows and saw the pained look on his face.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes" I whispered.

"I'll try" he whispered back and moved his hand to cup my cheek. I looked into his eyes and moved my head closer, giving him a chaste kiss on the lips. I could feel my body trembling as I looked at him for encouragement.

"Tell me what to do"

He gave me a last look before standing up and emptying his pockets of his keys, phone and wallet. I saw him take out what I could only assume was a condom and place on to the nightstand.

"Um, I'm on the pill, I had issues when I was younger."

Never before had I blushed so much at having to reveal that, and here I was telling the man who was going to take me virginity. He seemed pleased at the thought and moved towards me, grabbing my ankles to pull me to the edge of the bed.

"Stand up"

I obeyed immediately, my insides churning as he ran his hand down my arm. He didn't look at me, just followed the path that his hand was making. I shivered again at his touch, my eyes closing and the spark running through me as my core tightened once more. He let the finger trace over my shoulders, around the neckline of the t shirt and stopped.

I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, his body now so close to mine that I could feel how warm he was. He didn't make any contact except for his lips that kissed mine softly. I responded in kind, releasing my tongue as he moved a hand and traced a line down the centre of my spine. I moaned into him, causing him to deepen the kiss and groan himself. I was so wet, the combined efforts of his previous teasing and this one making my arousal apparent to him and myself.

He broke the kiss suddenly and dropped to his knees. I looked down as he lifted the shirt slightly to kiss along the seam of my shorts. It felt so good, he was delivering wet kisses from one hip bone to the other and I held on to his head for support, running my fingers through his hair. He shifted a little, holding on to my shirt from the sides as he made his way up, the shirt travelling up with him. I could feel my nipples erect, heavy and yearning for attention as he reached the space between them.

He stood up and pulled the shirt, my arms lifting automatically to help him. He was working me up slowly, pleasuring me attentively and I was loving it, wanting it, needing it. All my nerves and embarrassment had left as I stood before him, his eyes watching me hungrily. I had on a black cotton bra but the look from him had me squirming as I watched in anticipation.

I saw his lips turn at the corners as he tried to stop himself from smiling. He moved forward and kissed me, more passionately this time as his hands moved up the small of my back, past my bra strap and to my neck. I shivered and moaned as his hands reached my shoulders. His lips moved from mine to my jaw, down my neck and across my shoulders as he moved the straps. I was so wet, so wanton that I just wanted him to hurry but carry on at the same time. This was like nothing I had felt before, and beyond anything I had ever expected.

I felt him unhook the bra from the back and the bra fall as the cold wind brushed against my nipples. They hardened even more and he groaned as he looked at them.

"Ana," he said, his voice so deep that it reverberated to my core.

His head moved suddenly, one hand cupping one breast and massaging it as the other tugged at the abandoned nipple. I gasped as the pleasure shot through me. The sensation was so much better when I was bereft of my clothes. I groaned as I felt his mouth clamp around it, sucking and pulling at it to send waves of pleasure through me.

"So responsive,"

I was lost, I couldn't think straight. My sex was drenched, the muscles twitching with anticipation. He carried on kissing me, occasionally holding the bud between his teeth and pulling it back before blowing on it. It was heaven and hell all at once and I knew I was close. He moved suddenly to the other breast, his hand continuing work on the first.

"Let's see if you can come this way."

He hardened the tip of his tongue and traced circles around my tight bud, teasing me before flicking his tongue over it. I felt my legs buckles, my knees giving way as it became too much. I shut my eyes tightly and held on to his hand, stopping him from working at my breast but growing frustrated at the same time. He grabbed my hand pushed me back slightly so that I could feel the bed behind me.

"Sit"

He commanded and I obeyed. I sat on the edge and he pushed me down so I was lying on the bed, kissing my breasts again as I came dangerously close to my orgasm.

"Hmmmm" I groaned. I was incoherent.

"Come on Ana, give it to me."

The way he was working at my breasts was indescribable as the coil finally snapped at his words and my back arched, my muscles locked in place as the orgasm reached every part of me. I had stopped breathing, the feeling so surreal that I couldn't process it. It lasted for an age.

I let out a short high pitched squeal as I came crashing back down, my body collapsing on the bed as I continued to pant.

"Holy _shit_"

Christian laughed.

"I believe that's the first time I've heard you curse Miss Steele."

I let out a chuckle between the pants, my breathing slowly calming down.

"That was…it was…what was that?"

"Oh Ana, there's so much I could show you."

I sat up and looked at him. He was still in his suit sans jacket as he watched me and I lunged for him. I kissed him ardently taking him by surprise, my arms wrapping around his neck and my fingers gliding through his hair. He groaned as I pulled it, my teeth catching his lip and pulling on it as he did to me before I leaned back. I looked at his face and the forearms that were resting on the bed either side of my waist.

"Can I?" I whispered.

With a slight nod of his head, he gave me permission to lift his hand. I reached for it and brought it up to my face, both hands holding it as I turned it one way then the other. I used my index finger to run down his fingers, each one in turn and then followed the vein that travelled up his forearm. His arm was so strong, the skin tight against the muscles and I couldn't stop staring at it.

When I reached the sleeve, he started to unbutton his shirt as I watched. There was something sensual about watching someone undress in front of you, the way he watched me as I watched him arousing me even more. He undid each button with grace, starting at the top and working his way down. When he reached the last button, he unbuckled the belt before pulling out the shirt and taking it off. He reached behind him to pull the vest off as well, leaving his chest completely bare before me.

"Ana. Don't touch my chest." He pleaded. I looked at him and saw the fear in his eyes as he waited my response.

"Ok. I promise."

He gave me his hand again and I held it as my finger picked up from where it left. When I was finished with one arm, I repeated the same motion with his other, loving the way his skin felt against mine. I held his hand and rested it on my shoulder as I looked at his biceps and triceps. He was so beautiful he took my breath away.

I locked my eyes with his and kissed the hand that was resting on my shoulder. I saw his eyelids droop before opening them again, his lips parting as he exhaled. I carried on, running my lips over the line that my fingers had traced and stopped as I reached his shoulders, unsure whether it was ok to touch. I moved forward hesitantly to kiss his neck and ran my teeth along his jaw. He groaned and moved his head to catch my lips.

"Lie back on the bed, against the pillow"

I looked at him and shuffled back, lying against the pillow as he took off his pants. His body was a work of art, not a single muscle undefined as he crouched in front of me, kneeling at my feet before leaning forward. My breath caught as he hooked his fingers around the waistband of my shorts.

"Lift," he instructed.

I lifted my hips off the bed and let him pull off my shorts and panties, leaving me completely naked. The cold air brushed against my folds and I could feel how wet I was.

"So wet Miss Steele," he murmured.

He ran one finger between the folds and my hips jerked at the touch.

"Keep still," he ordered, and continued to trail his finger up and down. Each time he rubbed against the sensitive nub, it took all my strength not to move, to follow his hand to get the much needed friction. He added another finger and I could feel the pleasure in me building, the coil tightening again as he worked me up to another orgasm. It was torture, trying not to move. I knew he would stop if I did, like he had before.

I felt his movement slow as a finger pushed inside of me and I groaned loudly, my inside walls adjusting to the feel of it. He hooked his finger and the result was different, more intense than the last time he pleasured me this way. My lips buckled off the bed and I felt him put his other forearm across my abdomen, holding me firmly down.

"Christian, please!" I panted. He ignored my plea, or listened as he put another finger inside me, his careful movement giving me time to adjust once more. It wasn't long before he upped the pace, moving his fingers in and out of me frantically as another orgasm ripped through me.

He didn't stop, he kept his fingers in me and licked me, licked my folds as my wetness covered his hand.

"What…! What are you doing?" I asked, in embarrassment as he sucked on my clit, hard and my hips followed his mouth as he pulled away. I propped myself up on to my elbows and looked at him, his eyes on my face as he licked my folds again, his tongue flattened against me. I lowered my head back on to the pillow as his lips encircled my nub, the tip of his tongue flicking it vigorously as another orgasm shot through me.

By the time Christian removed his fingers from inside me, I was covered in a sheen of sweat, the three orgasms draining me of my energy as I lay in bed panting. My heart rate had soared through the roof three times and was struggling to calm down, and I felt even more sensitive to Christian's touch.

He hovered over me, and from the way his erection was pressed against my thigh, I knew he had removed his boxers. He looked at me, checking for any uncertainty before nudging the tip of his erection against the opening of my sex.

"Are you sure?" he asked. I could tell he was already hard and huge, his breathing laboured too as he held his weight on his hands.

"Yes." I whispered.

"It's going to hurt, but that will fade ok?"

"Ok." I said, trusting him with my virtue.

He pushed forward very slowly and I arched my back at the intrusion. He was so big, so much bigger than his fingers and I wondered how he would fit inside me.

"Don't worry, you'll stretch too," he said, as if reading my thoughts. I nodded and he pushed in even further until I felt a slight pain.

"Fuck! You're so tight" he said, his voice strained. "I'm going to move again ok?"

He pushed in abruptly and I screamed as I felt the sharp pain shoot through me. I was panting hard, trying to accommodate him and I could hear him panting too, no doubt struggling against my tightness.

"Fuck baby you're so tight, you feel so good. I'm going to move."

"Wait, give me a minute."

He gave me a few moments before he slowly pulled out of me, the pain receding and pleasure taking its place as he pushed back in. He moved slowly, increasing the pace with each thrust until he had reached a steady rhythm moving back and forth. I could feel myself climbing again, the all too familiar feeling now starting in the pit of my stomach as he pushed harder, the feeling extraordinary.

"Faster Christian," I asked, wanting to climb higher. He listened and I met him thrust for thrust as he pushed into me. The sounds of our moans and groans filled the room as we worked towards our climaxes, Christian thrusting hard and fast into me.

"Aaaagh" I screamed, as he lowered himself, resting on the side with one elbow holding around the side of my neck with the other hand. The change of position caused a shock to rush through me as his erection reached a new part of me and I squealed, the feeling too intense as he pounded into me.

"Christian!"

His hand moved from my neck and he pinched my nipple, hard.

"Let go!" he roared

I could feel the muscles in my wall start to pulsate against him as the pleasure radiated from the nipple to my core. I screamed as I climaxed, Christian's thrusting prolonging it as he tried to reach his own. He was grunting, his head against my shoulder as he thrust hard one more time before emptying into me. He let go of my nipple and I felt myself spasm again as the feeling travelled to my sex.

Like the night of graduation, I put my hand on his neck and played with his hair. He was still inside me when he lifted his gaze to mine, looking into my eyes once again, though this time I knew he wasn't searching.

I smiled at him and he smiled back before lifting off. I looked at him and down to his erection which was already semi erect. He smirked at me when I looked up and I blushed, despite everything we had just done.

"I love the way you blush," he said. I looked away with a smile.

"I'd like to do that again." I said, so quietly that I wasn't sure if he heard me. I needn't have worried though, his answering smile was all the response I needed. I sat up and looked him over.

"Turn around,"

I looked at him a little baffled by his words but when he looked at me, his expression hard and his demeanour firm, I obeyed immediately.

"Christian wait,"

"What is it?"

I was lying on my stomach, not knowing how to ask him. It was if my entire body was furiously blushing at my thoughts.

"Erm…I want you to do what you enjoy."

I felt the bed shift to my side and saw Christian lying there, his face inches from mine.

"What I enjoy?" he asked, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Yeah them um…"I gulped, "…the spanking. I liked it."

His eyes widened at my revelation and he stared at me for a moment, making me wonder whether he would listen. I could see the minute the shutters came down when his expression changed.

"Would you like that Miss Steele?"

He shifted again so that he was behind me and I was left with no view of him at all.

"Yes."

"When you answer me, you will refer to me as Sir."

I turned around and saw him standing there, his shoulders pushed back slightly as he regarded me with a serious look, his eyes full of lust and his stance dominating. _Shit, _this was dominant Christian.

"Do you understand"

"Yes…Sir" I quickly added.

"Good girl. Did I give you permission to turn around?"

"No." I said and turned to face the bed again. I felt a slap on my ass and yelped at the suddenness of it

"No what?" he asked

"No ssir." I said, as he started to massage my cheek. I was beyond aroused, dominant Christian was...was hot!

"Good" he said. I loved how he reassured me, those few words reminding me that he wouldn't hurt me. I moaned again when his hand cupped my sex, his two fingers finding their way to my entrance and pushing in.

"So wet Miss Steele. I think you deserve another spanking for rolling your eyes at me don't you?"

"Yes sir."

I started to pant when the slaps came down hard and fast, the pain transforming to pleasure and immediately travelling to my sex. He repeated what he did the last time, slapping and massaging my cheeks before rubbing his hand against my sex only this time he pushed his fingers into me very briefly every time. I couldn't help writhing as I came close to my release.

"Please!"

"Please what Anastasia?" he asked, my name sounding so good coming from his lips like that.

"Please SIR!" I shouted as he gripped on to my hips and lifted them up, my ass now fully exposed to him.

"Shift on to your hands."

I obeyed so that I was on all fours and felt his erection begging for entry again.

"Please" I whimpered, the pain too much as I craved another climax. He landed another smack on to my right cheek and I arched my back, pushing back into him as I tried to coax him into entering me.

"Please what?"

"Please Sir" I begged.

"Tell me what you want Anastasia."

I finally understood what he meant.

"Please let me come Sir."

As soon as the words had been uttered, he thrust into me hard, his hands still on the side of my hips as he stilled. I screamed and moaned when he rotated his hips, the circular motion heightening my arousal.

He pulled out slowly and thrust hard again, suddenly before repeated the circular motion. He was so deep this way, much deeper than before. I started to pant as he pulled out again, pushing back to try and get him to do something, anything to give me my release.

"Please move faster."

"Quiet!" he commanded, and I felt my the juices flow down the inside of my thigh. He chuckled.

"You like it don't you Anastasia? When I command you like that?"

"Yes Sir" I gasped, as he started to thrust into me quickly.

"You're mine Ana, all your pleasure is mine."

I groaned. He thrust even faster and reached around to my front, his finger running through my wet folds and finding my clit.

"Come for me Ana." he grunted.

The spark was all that was needed to send me into the most intense climax yet. I howled as my vision darkened, stars clouding my view as the pleasure was drawn out from every fibre of my being. It carried on and on as he continued to thrust a few more times, continued rubbing my clit harshly before finding his own release. I could feel him still as he filled me with his seed, his fingers digging into my hips painfully before his climax subsided. We both came down from our highs before I collapsed on to the bed in front of us.

I had no strength left, nothing to give as my eyes started to drift. I sensed Christian move away but was too far into my sleepy state to ask coherently and instead mumbled. I felt a warm cloth between my legs, cleaning me up and I smiled, Christian was looking after me. When he was done, he lay on to the bed next to me, pulling me into his side as I just about succumbed to sleep.

"Christian" I whispered.

"I love hearing you say my name," he whispered back and kissed my forehead.

"I like seeing you."

"You too baby. Go to sleep."


	14. Chapter fourteen: Different shades

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I'll try posting sooner next time but I can't guarantee more than one chapter a week.

Hope you like this chapter. As always, views and reviews are much appreciated. Also, if I have any mistakes, please kindly point them out to me so I can correct them.

x ImTrying

* * *

**Chapter fourteen: Different shades**

I felt very hot. And confused. I had never been a morning person and it often took several minutes for my brain to register what was happening on a normal day. Waking up on what felt like someone's chest with my arms and legs wrapped around him took even longer to register. I lifted my head and looked up to see Christian fast asleep, looking peaceful, content and carefree. I shifted a little, very carefully so as not to wake him and ignoring my aching body, studied his face. He looked so young this way, so natural. So beautiful.

I recalled the events of last night and blushed in spite of myself. A smile crept up on my face as I remembered how he had kissed me, along my neck and shoulders and my nipples. I thought of the way he pleasured me with his fingers, his hands, and his tongue and felt myself getting flustered at just the thought. He was so attentive, so patient with me and I could tell I was falling for him that much more. I looked at his face again, and let my eyes travel downwards, past his chin, his Adam's apple, his chest. He must have put the t-shirt on after I fell asleep. My gaze travelled further south to the point where his skin became visible again, the tight skin over his abdominals sending a further rush of pleasure through me. I couldn't believe that this gorgeous man was in my bed, that I had given my virginity to him and he had wanted it, wanted _me. _I looked to his hips, the skin around them taut again and then to the deep v between them. I followed my gaze to see that he was semi-erect already, and despite everything he had done to me last night, I looked away.

I could feel my shyness take hold. I don't know what came over me. I was staring at him, getting flustered at just looking at him. Perhaps it was the fact that I knew what he could do to me, how he could make me feel. Or maybe it was how he cared for me afterwards. Or maybe it was just the fact that he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. Whatever the reason, I didn't know how I would face him when he woke up, what he or I would say. I hadn't considered that before. I wondered if he liked it, if it was good for him. I don't even know how many orgasms he had given me but as first times would go, it was the most intense, amazing experience I could ever ask for. Maybe he liked it too.

I frowned at myself for thinking that, wondering if I had measured up to his expectations. I didn't like that he had sexual partners before me. I was so new to this, to sex itself without the extra kink that he was used to. He had women throwing themselves at him and though I couldn't blame him for his past, I suddenly felt inadequate. The women he contracted were so much more experienced than me, and most likely more beautiful. They knew what he liked, what he enjoyed and were able to give it to him without all their emotional baggage unlike me.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Jeez!" I half whispered as Christian turned to his side to look at me. I brought my hand to my chest to slow my breathing and the excessive pumping of my heart as the shock wore off. I felt him move on the bed next to me, positioning his elbow on the pillow and resting his head on his hand. He used the other hand to trace little patterns on my stomach. I don't even know how long I had been in thought.

"Morning," I whispered, looking into his eyes. Yep, I had never been this shy in my life and as hard as I tried, couldn't think of a single thing to say to him.

"Morning," he smirked at me, looking down at my chest. I followed the path of his gaze and saw and felt my nipples pebble more as his fingers moved closer to them. My cheeks brightened and despite my heightening arousal, I grabbed the sheet and brought it up to face to cover myself, pushing his hand away in the process.

I waited for a while before I lowered the sheet to reveal my face. Christian was still staring at me, his expression a mixture of anger and amusement.

"I told you not to hide from me. I love the way you respond to me."

He didn't have an ounce of insincerity as he uttered those words. I looked into his eyes and relaxed, my shoulders slumping and my hands releasing the sheet just under my neck. Christian brought his hand to the edge of the sheet and hooked his index finger over the top, not taking his eyes off me once. I gulped when he started to trail the finger downwards, his eyes moving with it. I closed my eyes when he touched ever so lightly over my chest and to the valley between my breasts before stopping. He waited there, not moving until I opened my eyes to find him glaring at me.

"Don't close your eyes," he almost whispered.

I was almost transfixed in place, my body responding to the simplest touch as he looked back at his finger and carried on moving the sheet. I felt the cool air on my nipples, leaving them exposed and very erect as he moved his hand ever so slowly south. His eyes immediately found mine when he stopped his finger just above my pelvic bone as my breath hitched, my heart pounding in my chest and the wetness in between my legs increasing. He started at my intently, his eyes dark and his lips parted and I could feel his very hard erection against my leg.

He moved closer to me and planted soft kisses on the edge of my mouth, teasing me just enough to evoke a response but giving nothing more. I let an involuntary moan escape when his finger started moving again, taking the sheet with it.

"Are you wet for me?" he asked as his finger passed my sensitive nub. I gasped at the contact, my legs stiffening a little as he left the sheet as it was, using his finger to separate my folds and find very clear evidence of my arousal.

"So wet," he moaned as he licked my bottom lip. Without thinking, I let out my own tongue, catching his and sucking firmly before kissing him hard. He didn't let me linger for long before he removed his finger from my folds, releasing my lips from his and plunging his finger into my mouth.

"Suck," he said, and I did, my eyes leaving his as I did so. I don't know how I ended up from my thinking over my doubts to this. I carried on sucking and heard his breath faltering a little when he felt my tongue firm against his finger, my cheeks hollow as I sucked as hard as I could.

"Fuck Ana!" he said, and I stilled.

I looked at him to find signs of displeasure but by the way his jaws were set now, his expression full of lust and his erection digging into my leg, I knew I had done something right. I carried on sucking until I could no longer taste myself, not making eye contact with him as I did and then moved his hand away.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, so quietly that I didn't believe I had said the words.

"For what?" he asked, his eyebrows rising slightly.

"I don't know, hiding? I don't know what to say to you," I admitted as I started to fidget with his hand that I was still holding.

"Anastasia,"

I knew from his tone that he wasn't going to continue until I looked at him. I let my eyes find his slowly and blushed, the night before playing on my mind again as I remembered him entering me, his erection stretching me painfully before pleasure radiated through me. The memory made me very aware of the erection that was still very hard against my leg.

"Ana are you shy?"

"Yes,"

"Shy in front of me?" he said, almost in disbelief.

"Yes," I said, even quieter than before. I couldn't look at him anymore.

"Ana…" he said, as he cupped my face in his hand, his eyes alight with humour "…I love how you can ask me to spank you one minute then blush the next."

I groaned and turned to face him.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say I mean you…last night we…when you…" I couldn't get the words out. I looked to see his smug face and couldn't help the laugh that escaped me as I jabbed his arm.

"Stop it!"

"What?" he chuckled. "I don't why it's so hard for you to say it. We made love, we had sex, we fucked. I mean there are really so many ways you can say it." His tone was so casual, his face completely straight that my jaw wouldn't shut.

"Why are you so shy?"

"I don't know" I said childishly as I covered my face again. I sighed before continuing. "It's so easy for you and I know you've seen all of me and done…that…"

"Sex"

"Yes that…I feel really exposed, I don't know. You've seen more of me." I whispered the last part.

I felt him tug at my arms to reveal my face. I didn't look at him, not wanting him to see more of me so soon.

"It's a fine thing to see too,"

"Christian -,"

"You're beautiful Ana, you have no reason to be shy in front of me. We haven't done anything wrong."

"I know but -,"

"We had sex Ana,"

"Yes b -,"

"And I plan on having a lot more with you, in every possible way, every fucking day. Do you know why Ana?"

He placed his hand around my neck and moved his thumb over my bottom lip. My breathing was erratic as I tried to think of a coherent answer to his question. His question, what was his question?

"Ana?" he prompted.

"Hmm?"

"Do you know why?"

"Erm…" I couldn't think when he looked at me like that, so possessive and full desire. I could feel his breath on my lips.

"You're mine Ana. That's why. Your pleasure is mine, your lips"….he brushed his finger against them "…your neck…" his hand moved to it "…your breasts…" he squeezed one and pinched the nipple lightly as I moaned "…your stomach" his hand moved lower "…your hips…" he trailed from one hip to another as my heart pounded harder …"and…"

He stopped on my hips and trailed from my knee to my ass. I couldn't concentrate on anything other than his touch, almost aching with need at his words.

"…your legs and your ass…" he said quietly as he ran his finger up the crease and touching my virgin hole, causing me to shiver.

"Christian?" I pleaded, though I didn't know what I was asking for.

"…and…" he whispered as he placed his lips to my ear. I felt his finger move over my hip to my front and down to my sex.

"…this sweet little pussy of yours. It's all mine Ana, and I'm going to kiss…" he kissed under my ear in my sensitive spot as I moaned.

"…lick…" he licked the same spot.

"…suck…" he sucked on my earlobe.

"…Every. Single. Inch of you."

He stayed hovering over me as I moved to lie on my back, his body just touching mine. His chest covered mine, his face buried in my neck while he kissed just under my ear and rubbed circles over my clit. I moaned and writhed underneath him, desperately craving a release as he pushed my higher and higher towards my climax. When he felt my breathing escalate and my moaning become more insistent, he applied more pressure, frantically rubbing over it before sending me over the edge to a fantastical climax.

When I came back down from my high, I could still feel his erection against me. He moved back and lay on his back, his breathing not as laboured as mine but still affected. I looked at his erection and back to his face to see him staring at me. _Mine_ he said. I was his. I didn't know how I felt about his words, his claim over me. I alternated between feeling elated that he would want me as his, to panicking at the thought of having a tie to someone, however weak or strong it may be. We hadn't actually defined what we had, though Christian had suggested he had done the 'girlfriend thing' with me and only me.

"Ana,"

I snapped out of my thoughts again at the sound of Christian's voice to find him sitting up, his erection thick and hard as it pressed against his stomach.

"You want me to be yours?"

"No,"

I frowned at him, confused.

"You're already mine Anastasia," he said, almost growling the words. I nodded my head to show my understanding and looked away again. I kept looking back at his face, willing my mouth to say something but not knowing what.

"You have a little v that forms here when you're thinking," Christian said as he raised his finger to smooth out the line between my eyebrows.

"Sorry, I just…I don't know what to say."

"Do you trust me?"

Of all the questions he could ask, I don't know why this one surprised me the most. It was as if he knew that it was the right question to ask. I looked in his eyes, let him look into mine and found my answer.

"Yes" I whispered. I knew exactly what he meant, that I trusted him enough to let him in, to know about my parents, my thoughts and fears. I had just given him my virginity and through the past month of knowing each other, I had let him see me. I had no reason to panic now.

My face must have revealed my understanding because he simply took it in his hands and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. I sat upright to straddle him, bringing my hands to run through his hair as I brought his lips back to mine and deepened that kiss. My legs were either side of his, and as I inched closer toward him, the position caused a pain to my sex and I winced against his lips. He pulled back immediately and looked at me questioningly.

"I'm ok, just a little sore." I blushed.

"I shouldn't have been so rough on you."

"It's ok, I um…I…" Jeez what the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn't I talk to him about this without turning into a blubbering idiot?

"You what?" he asked. I could hear the amusement in his voice and let my head drop downwards. That didn't help my cause though because the way I was straddling him meant his erection was pressed against my stomach.

"I liked it." I blushed furiously at my words.

"Ana," Christian groaned and I could have sworn he hardened even more as I said it. I looked at his face and saw his jaw set tight, his eyes boring into me to somehow communicate his desperate need for a release.

I looked down again and hesitantly touched the tip of his erection. I don't know how I managed to take the initiative without him telling me, but seeing his face, his need for me set me off. I did trust him, and I wanted him to trust me enough to give him what he needed.

"Ah fuck!" Christian hissed as his erection jerked at my touch. I marvelled at the sight of him, his thigh muscles tensed as his head rolled back. His arms were supporting his upper body as he leaned back, looking at me again.

"I don't know what you like, what to do," I said, feeling incredibly shy again before him. His face softened when he responded.

"You don't have to this Ana, I c -"

"No" I said, cutting him off. "I want to do it, I just I'm a little out of my league here, I mean you're… you…um. I've not seen anyone else's thingy before."

I let out a nervous chuckle and looked back down at his erection. I felt his finger under my chin and turned upward to face him.

"You have no idea how hot that is," he murmured against my lips, then caught the bottom lip between his teeth and pulled back.

"And did you just call my cock a thingy?" he asked, humour evident in his voice. I laughed at my own expense, still blushing.

"Well yeah, what else am I going to call it?"

I knew the minute I had asked that question that I would regret it.

"Well you can call it a cock, dick, penis…"

"OK, ok stop!" I giggled and shook my head at him.

"You asked,"

"I know I just…" I looked down at his _cock_ and ran my finger over the tip again like before. "I don't even think that when I look at it, in my head I call it your erection."

"Ana" he said, his voice raspy.

"Can I just touch, like we did on graduation?" I asked him timidly.

"Yessss" he hissed when my finger touched the ridge below the tip. I let my finger swirl around the whole ridge, finding that he was extra sensitive just under the bottom side of his erection. His hips bucked when my finger made contact so I quickly withdrew it.

"Again!" he demanded, his voice cold and dominating. I could tell it was taking a great deal of concentration on his part to control his breathing and his responses. Being in control was something he craved, and his commands gave him that control.

I moved my finger back to the tip and trailed along the sides like I had done the night of graduation. I repeated it over and over again as his breaths became short and fast. He had a vein running along the side and I pressed a little harder against it as I brought my finger back up to the tip.

"Yeah, like that baby" Christian moaned.

I took hold of him in one hand and repeated the process, moving my finger up and down to really feel him. I pressed his erection against his stomach and ran my finger down to the space just above his balls.

"Shit!" he shouted. This was another sensitive spot it seemed. I applied a little pressure there, flicking my finger back and forth in tiny movements as his thighs locked in place and his knuckles turned white from gripping the sheets so hard. The way he was responding to my touch had me dripping with arousal, my own heart beating faster and faster as I brought Christian closer to his climax.

"Fuck Ana grip me baby,"

I tried to look at his face but the way his head was tilted back, it was impossible. I held the erection in my hand and noticed a little liquid oozing from the top. I had heard Christian talk about how sweet I tasted, I had even tasted myself and I wandered whether I would get the same enjoyment from tasting him as Christian did from tasting me. If I could pleasure him the way he had me, it would definitely be worth it.

My hand moved up his erection as I shimmied down on his legs. I leaned forward so that my face was inches away from the tip and stuck out my tongue.

"Fuck Ana what are you doing?"

I didn't look at him or respond, just focussed on the task at hand. I licked the tip then circled it before swallowing. It had a salty taste, not unpleasant but the feel of him against my tongue heightened my own senses.

"Aaaahhh," Christian groaned loudly as I licked every single inch of him, my tongue following the movements my fingers had made before. When I reached his sensitive spot along the ridge, he fell back on to the pillow, his hand holding on tightly to the sides of it as his legs locked into place.

"FUCK!" he shouted as I flicked the hardened tip of my tongue over it twice before trailing downwards and reaching his other sensitive area just above his balls.

"SHIT Ana fuck that feels good" he gasped, his voice strained as I trailed further down, following the seam between his balls. When I trailed back upwards, I planted kisses along the side of his erection instead of licking and down the other side when I reached his tip.

"Ana NOW!" he almost screamed when I gripped him firmly in the hand. The moisture from my licking had been enough to make my movements easier. I gripped him tightly and moved up and down at a steady pace as he continued to curse. I moved my lips lower again and took him in my mouth, the smooth yet hard flesh gliding just half way in to my mouth.

"Sweet baby…" I looked up at him and saw that he was staring at me. I lowered myself again, taking him in further into my mouth as I did so. He groaned a guttural groan and the sound travelled straight to my sex and my pleasure spiked. I continued to like this, each time pushing him further and further into me until I could feel him against the back of my throat.

"Fuck baby how deep can you go?" he rasped

I took him in my mouth again, pulling him in as far as he could go. I felt him slide down my throat until my lips were touching his balls and instinctively swallowed before taking him out again.

Christian's hips bucked upwards again as his entire back lifted off the bed before returned with a thud.

"Oh MY FUCK! Yeah like that, take me deep as you can," he spoke quickly.

I obeyed, taking him in deep again as my lips just touched his balled. I sucked hard when I pulled away, my cheeks hollow as my tongue clung on to the underside of his erection.

"ANA! I'm so close I'm going to…"

I took him in again, humming this time as I pulled away. The vibrations caused his breath to catch as I took him in again, this time bracing myself by placing a hand on each of his thighs. I hollowed my cheeks and sucked on the tip before plunging down again.

"Ana if you don'twantto swallow thenletmegonooOOOW." His words were so fast and clipped as I took him in again. I felt him slide down my throat and swallowed again to stimulate his tip before baring my teeth to just touch his skin.

"FUUUUUCKKKK!"

I could feel liquid squirting down my throat as Christian's entire body locked in place. I stilled my movement, letting him release his load into me before he finally relaxed, his body relaxing as a long groan emanated from him. I pulled back a little, licking over his deflated shafted to catch any excess liquid and found that I quite liked the taste, liked the feeling of bringing him this pleasure with just my mouth.

When I had licked him clean, I saw his body in front of me as I sat up on to his thighs. They still looked tense so I rubbed them, stealing glances at his face as he looked at me in disbelief. I felt my shyness take hold again when he said nothing, my movements coming to a standstill and my eyes dropping.

"Was that ok?" I asked, feeling slightly inadequate all over again.

"What!" I looked up to see Christian shake his head as he inhaled deeply before chuckling on the exhale. "Fuck Ana, what the hell was that?! That was…that was…"

He looked away in contemplation for a few moments before returning to face me. When he saw the look of concern on my face, his eyes softened despite his disbelief and took my hand in his. He pulled me closer to him so that I was straddling his thighs, my breasts touching his shirt.

"That was better than ok baby, are you sure you've never done that before?"

"No,"

"Shit that was, fucking amazing! You continue to fascinate me Miss Steele."

"I was worried." I admitted.

"About what?"

"Whether I would you…I mean you've had people, women before do other stuff and…"

"Ana, don't ever compare yourself to them. You're amazing, beautiful, and fuck that was the best blowjob I've ever had."

"Really?"

"Really."

I smiled at him, pleased at myself for doing this for him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, my sex brushing against his erection as I moved.

"Ana if you don't move now I'm going to fuck you senseless and you're sore ok?! You're fucking dripping baby."

I released his lips and climbed off the bed before grabbing a robe. I threw him his boxers and watched as he slipped them on. The clock said it was 11 o'clock, and I was starving.

We walked into the kitchen area together and worked in comfortable silence as I started on the omelette and Christian boiled the water for my tea. I was thankful that I had done some grocery shopping the day before so we had anything to eat. I turned on the radio and started to sway to the music as I whisked the eggs. Before long, Christian was standing behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist.

"You know you sway to the music?"

"Hmm?" I chuckled "Yeah it's a habit, I find it relaxing."

Christian stepped back suddenly, leaving me to turn and face him. He stood up tall and placed his hand out to me.

"Care to dance Miss Steele?"

I giggled at his boyish mood, his eyebrows wiggling up and down as he looked at me expectantly for an answer.

"It would be an honour Sire."

I placed my hand in his and saw his eyes darken a little at my choice of words before he composed himself. He held one hand up as the other circled me waist, bringing me closer to him as he swayed with me.

"My Lady," he growled and kissed me hard. Before I had a moment to think, he was spinning me around the apartment, avoiding the furniture in the small space. I couldn't help but giggle at his playfulness.

"Where did you learn to dance like this?"

His expression turned wary before a fleeting look I couldn't recognise covered his face.

"An old friend," he murmured, offering nothing more.

I tightened my grip in his hand briefly before surprising him, leaning back to spin before returning to his embrace. I winked at him for good measure to lighten the mood again. It worked.

"Where did you learn _that?"_ he asked, his eyes wide with shock.

"There is much you have to learn about me Sire."

His eyes filled with lust again and I couldn't help the tingling sensation that was building in my core.

"If you keep calling me that Ana I'm going to fuck you right here."

I bit my lip at hearing his words only to have him pin me against the wall, his lips urgent against mine, his tongues probing my mouth until he found mine. His hips held mine in place as his hand found its way to my breast and I instinctively ran my fingers through his hair.

"Ehemm…"

We both stopped abruptly and looked to the door to see Kate and Elliot staring at us, Elliot smirking whilst Kate's jaw was practically on the floor.

Christian stepped back and allowed me to get my footing. I could feel my entire face red from embarrassment and hid behind Christian's arm, trying my best to avoid making eye contact.

"Well fuck Ana, it's the quiet ones you ought to watch eh?"

I felt Christian stiffen next to me and I could tell he wasn't happy.

"Fuck off Elliot."

"I'm just saying bro, that was sexy as fuck. I can see that you thought so too"

Elliot gestured to Christian's boxers laughed as Kate jabbed him in the arm. She looked at Christian with distrust before searching my face to see if I was alright. She had no idea that Christian was coming over yesterday when she left for her date, and given that she knew about my virgin status, was clearly surprised to see how we were both dressed. Me in my nightgown, Christian in his boxers and shirt.

"Shut up Elliot. Ana can I speak to you for a minute?"

Christian turned to look at me and I gave him a small smile in return. I gave him a peck on the lips and followed Kate to my bedroom, dreading what she was going to say.

"So?" Kate asked, her hand on her hips and her face in a frown.

"So what?" I asked, not wanting to admit to anything.

"Ana your hair is a mess, you're in a robe and Christian Grey, the same guy that has a stuck constantly shoved up his ass had your pinned against a wall with his tongue down your throat. You did it didn't you?"

"Yes" I said, biting my lip as I looked down. I looked up at her again to see how worried she was about me. "Kate you needn't worry, he was wonderful to me. I wanted it just as much as he did." I said, and felt myself blush at admitting such a thing.

"You wanted to have sex?" she asked warily.

"Yes"

"With Christian Grey?"

"Yes"

"In this room?"

"Well we went to your room first but then I told him mine was just down the hall so we moved here."

Kate's eyes widened so much it must have hurt. She looked at me in bewilderment, wondering if I was the same girl that she known all these years she had known me. In all honesty, I don't think I was the same girl.

"You had sex in my room?!" she shouted

"What, No!"

"WE CAN HEAR YOU FROM HERE!" Elliot shouted out and I could hear him snickering. I couldn't help but snicker with him.

"Kate we didn't have sex in your room, I told him before we did anything I promise." I laughed. She laughed with me and let her shoulders relax.

"You ok babe?"

"Yes" I said with conviction.

"Was he good?" I could see the excitement and amusement in her face as she waited for my reaction.

"Uugghh Kate!" I groaned. I walked to the bed and collapsed on it.

"What? It's not every day my best friend has sex for the first time,"

"SHHH I don't want your boyfriend knowing I was a virgin!" I shouted at her in whisper.

"Oops, sorry! I'm just so excited. Okay you have to tell me everything, what was he like, what did he do first did he…"

"Kate?"

"…How big was his cock, he looked fucking huge when…"

"Kate?"

"…oh my gosh did he make you orgasm…"

"Kate!"

"…tongue is incredible I mean the man can suck on…"

"KATE!"

She turned and looked at my bright red face as I tried and finally succeeded in getting her attention.

"Too much?"

"Always, always too much Kate!"

We laughed on the bed for a while before Kate's expression turned serious again.

"Seriously though, was he good to you?"

"Kate he was amazing!" I sighed, my arm covering my face as I recalled how he looked at me after making love to me the first time.

"That good huh?" Kate mused. "Did you have an orgasm?"

I blushed and tilted my head away from Kate.

"Ana?"

"Not telling."

"Anastasia Steele you horny…You did didn't you?"

"Kate please"

I felt Kate shift next to me and turned to look at what she was doing. She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I burst out laughing.

"Fine!" I waited, hoping she would let me off the hook. She didn't. "Yes."

"There now…that wasn't so hard was it?"

"No, it wasn't."

"How big was he? If he's anything like Elliot then damn."

"Kate! I'm not telling you that."

"Come on Ana, you're not giving me anything here. I've waited years to be able to talk to you about this stuff."

Kate huffed next to me and I knew there was only one thing I could do to truly shock her. I stood up and walked to the door, turned back to face her and spoke.

"He gave me multiple orgasms last night."

Her eyes bulged as her jaw dropped. I tried holding back my laughter as best I could before I opened the door.

"And one this morning too." I said just quiet enough for her to hear and walked back to the kitchen.

"ANASTASIA ROSE STEELE!"

I burst out laughing and ran to the kitchen as Christian and Elliot watched from their seats at the breakfast bar.

"Yes Kate?" I laughed. She walked in laughing and shaking her head before giving me a tight hug and I hugged her back just as tight.

"What were you girls doing in there?" Elliot asked, clearly insinuating nothing good.

"Just having some girl on girl time" I winked and heard him gasp as Christian spluttered his drink next to him. I don't know what came over me, but his mood was contagious and I burst out laughing.

"Shit Ana,  
where the fuck did that come from?" Elliot asked. I looked at Christian who looked half in awe and half angry at my even suggesting being with anyone else, even in jest. I walked to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He was still stiff but reluctantly followed and circled his arms around my waist. He sighed after a few seconds and gave me a small smile.

"You know I wouldn't ever do that to you don't you?" I asked, so quietly that only he could hear.

He looked at me, as if to search my face for an answer.

"Christian," I whispered. "I like seeing you, and only you. And I like that you see me, and only me. I'm yours."

"Mine," he repeated, before he smashed his lips against mine for a brief kiss then continued to his breakfast. It was only after that I realised we had an audience.

"So, you going to Jose's opening tonight?" I asked, trying to shift the attention from me and Christian.

"Yes! I'm so stoked for the guy, his pictures are amazing. Elliot is going to drive me there so I can get my car afterwards." Kate said as she handed me a plate with some eggs and toast and sat down next to me. All four of us were now eating around the breakfast bar and I couldn't help but smile at the fact that I had let these people in. They were quickly becoming dear to me, and I didn't have any fear.

"Erm, Christian I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to ask you but would you like to come with me?"

"Do you want me to go?" he asked, and I could tell he wanted me to say yes. His jealousy at graduation came to mind and I held his hand.

"Of course."

"Then I would love to."

We smiled at each other before Elliot coughed.

_cough _"…Pussy-whipped…" _cough._

"Fuck off Lelliot, ask Kate for your balls when you drive her to the show won't ya?"

Christian spoke in mock anger and grinned when he saw Elliot's head spring back in shock. They both burst out laughing as Christian stood to clear his plate. Elliot looked at me and I could see what looked like admiration and wonder in his eyes. I couldn't quite understand why, but his eyes looked clear as well, as if he had some unshed tears about to spill over. He coughed again in awkwardness and picked up his own plate to put it in the sink.

"What time is the show?" Christian asked

"Um, half 7 I think," I said.

"I have some work to do before then, but I'll pick you up at half 5. We can take Charlie Tango. Is that alright?"

"Who's Charlie Tango?" Kate asked

"Christian's chopper."

"Helicopter!"

"Potato potah-to"

I laughed at the banter between the brothers and realised Kate was staring too, obviously getting accustomed to seeing this side of Christian. It made me wonder what he was like at work for people to think of him so intimidating. I knew he could affect me with just one look, but I couldn't imagine him as being a complete ass.

"Christian we can just drive with Elliot," I suggested. As much as I loved the helicopter ride the last time, gestures like that made me feel completely out of my depth against him. It reminded me that unlike this morning where we were just people eating breakfast, he was a hot genius billionaire, and I was plain Ana.

"We'll take Charlie Tango Ana, Kate and Elliot can come too," he said as he walked to stand beside me.

"You're going to fly us to Portland?" Kate asked

"Yes, if you want to, then you can just drive the car back afterwards, save you from taking two cars."

"Well Jose fixed Wanda so I can bring her back too."

"Who's Wanda?" Elliot asked.

"Ana's granny car." Kate snickered.

"Hey, don't hate on Wanda, she's my baby."

"When she actually drives" she replied. I felt Christian stiffen beside me and I turned to face him.

"Ana, if it's not safe to drive then I will have Taylor pick us up, or we can fly back"

"Christian she's fine, I drive her all the time," I said, trying to ease his worries.

"Ana…" he said in the tone that I had learned to recognise.

"Christian please, she's fine. I have been driving her for years." As much as I appreciated Christian offering to give me a ride, I didn't want to get used to the idea. Letting him see me and relying on him at the same time wouldn't bode well for me if things went wrong. As much as I had let myself go, a part of me couldn't help but hold back just to protect my heart from shattering completely.

"How about Sawyer drive her back and you can ride with me?"

"If she's not safe, why would you let Sawyer drive and not me?"

"Because smart mouth, I want you safe and with me. Besides Sawyer is a former military man. He's had plenty of training and I'm sure he can use it to handle something like Wanda." Christian said in all seriousness. I could sense that my safety was an important issue to him so I let him have this one.

I giggled when I remembered his comment?

"Smart mouth?"

"Yes" he said, his eyes lighting up at my giggle.

"Ok, in that case, I would love to ride with you." I tiptoed up to catch his lips

"And I would love to as well." Kate said before I could reach my destination. I laughed at her and ended up giving Christian a quick peck instead.

"Come on bro, I gotta bounce too."

"I'll see you tonight Smart Mouth?" Christian asked, and I bit my lip as my eyes went to his. I traced my finger over it and then my lips, tracing my tongue quickly along the bottom one before he did the same. He kissed me sensually, increasing the fluttering in my stomach before tugging my bottom lip between his teeth. It took every ounce of me not to moan.

"Tonight," he said with a smirk, completely in control when he stood upright. _Crap_ he knew the effect he had on me and I was too frozen in place to do anything.

I saw Elliot giving Kate a kiss too before he moved to the door. He noticed my flushed face and smirked at Christian as he walked to the door. Me and Kate both walked up to say bye.

"Well that was fun!" Kate said when we closed the door.

"I know, I'm glad you came actually."

"Why?" she asked.

"I dunno, I was just so shy in front of him after last night that having breakfast like this calmed me down. It's like it went back to normal."

"Why were you shy?"

"The guy had just taken my virginity Kate, what's the first thing you say the next day?"

Kate just laughed at me and we continued our little chat before going our separate ways. I sat down and worked on another dress and before I knew it, Kate was at my door telling me to get ready. She chose a light yellow dress for me with gold accessories and light make-up, my hair in a braid again as I remembered Christian liked it on our first date. She wore a red dress herself, looking stunning as we waited for the boys.

When the doorbell rang, Christian and Elliot were stood waiting for us. I didn't look anywhere except to Christian's face as he studied me, looking at my dress as it rested just above my knees and upwards until he saw my hair. His eyes darted to mine quickly when he realised I was staring at him. I gulped when he stepped forward and offered his hand.

"Shall we?"

"Of course." I said, the tightening in my core all too evident now as I knew what his touch could do to me. I walked to him and I could faintly hear Kate and Elliot walking away in the background but I was too engaged in the moment, the look on Christian's face as he stared at me, his body flush against mine and my hand in his. I blushed when he touched my cheek and bit my lip only to have him pull it free with his thumb. He leaned down and kissed me chastely before fixing his posture.

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you," I said, blushing some more.

"Are you going to blush every time I compliment you?" he asked. I chuckled

"Probably."

"Well, then I shall just have to tell you more often so you get used to it."

"I don't think I'll ever get used to it."

"Why not?" he asked, suddenly serious. I looked at him and smiled nervously.

"Because compared to you, I'm completely ordinary."

Christian stopped just as we reached the car door and pulled me close to him.

"Ana, I've told you before, you're beautiful. Do you not trust me?"

"Yes Christian," I whispered.

"You really don't see yourself how others see you. And as for me, it's just a face baby, hiding fifty shades of fucked upness." He said, and I could see the sadness in his face as he reflected over something. I reached up to cup his cheek and forced him to look at me. He gave me a sad smile.

"You're far worse than me, you don't see how amazing you are." He scoffed at my words. "It's true, and I can't wait to see more."

"More?" he whispered. "You want more?"

"Yes" I said, every ounce of me feeling that this was right.

"Come." He said, effectively dismissing what I had said. "We should go."

I followed Christian into the car where Elliot and Kate were already waiting for us, Taylor driving. I looked at Christian again, wondering if I had said something wrong. It was like the shutters had come down and he was avoiding me despite sitting next to me. The mood had shifted dramatically and I felt a panic rise as I looked out the window, debating whether or not I should have said those words. Perhaps he wasn't ready, perhaps he didn't want more. I looked at him again willing him to make some sort of eye contact and found him searching my eyes for something again, much like he had done on the night of graduation. He sat in his seat, not drawing closer to me and I could tell that even Elliot and Kate had noticed. They had quietened down as we made our trip to Escala in silence.

The helicopter ride was amazing, despite the tense atmosphere and I could tell the Kate was in awe of Christian. So was I. It never ceased to amaze me the things he could do and I suddenly felt sad, lonely as I felt Christian pull away from me. I internally chastised myself for even considering him pulling away because it meant I had allowed myself to have that pull on him. I had allowed him in, and now after what seemed like a great start to the day was rapidly going downhill. I knew that he had his own issues, and that this thing between us was new for him too, but I was getting scared at how attached I was to him already, and how easily he seemed to shut off if he didn't want something.

_I was going to write you or do something to tell you that you'd be better off without me_

His words from yesterday came haunting back as I felt the landscape change in front of me. I sighed heavily and drifted away, letting my thoughts turn to nothingness as we arrived in Portland. I looked at Christian once Charlie Tango was firmly on the ground and waited for him to unbuckle me. He leaned over, not saying a word and let me loose from the belt, my skin still tingling where I felt his touch. I looked up at him and bit my lip at the sensation, imploring him to tell me something, anything about what was going through his head. He looked at my lips briefly and I could hear his slight gasp before he held my chin and tugged to release my lip from my teeth. Despite my small victory in affecting him this way, he still turned and walked away, not saying anything.

"Ana."

Kate called out to me as we made our way to the elevator. I stood next to her and held back the tears as we made our way down. When we reached the bottom, the men left and Kate and I walked behind, my gaze on the floor as we walked to the car.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

"I…I don't know," I answered honestly. The walk through the lobby wasn't long so she didn't get to ask me anything else. She sat in next to me and I let my shoulders sag as we sat down, the tension causing me a headache as we made our way to the gallery.

"So what kinda shit does he take pictures of?" Elliot asked.

"Elliot!" Kate called out.

"What? I'm just wondering, does the guy take pictures of trees and nature and sing as he dances around high or does he like nude models?"

"You're such an ass. You'll see in a bit, we're almost there."

Neither of them said anything after that, and the silence engulfed us once again. We arrived at the gallery not two minutes later and as we all stepped out of the car, I saw Elliot take Kate's hand and walk her inside. I looked at Christian nervously to see what he would do.

"Come."

That was it. He barely waited for me as he walked into the gallery and I followed, struggling to match his strides. When we were inside, there were a good number of people walking around and looking at the portraits that were hanging around the room. As clever as Jose was, he really had an eye for capturing the most amazing scenery.

"Nannie!" he shouted from across the gallery. I saw Christian glare at him but say nothing as he walked towards me. When he reached me, he gave me a massive bear hug and squeezed tight. I heard Christian growl and I coughed.

"Uh Jose, struggling to breathe here."

"Oh sorry. I'm just so glad you came." He said, looking at back and forth at me and Christian slightly apprehensively before holding out his hand to Christian.

"My Grey, I'm glad you can make it."

Christian stared at him, his demeanour hard and unrelenting before accepting his handshake. I looked at Christian and shook my head. He wasn't going to tell me what was wrong, and I wasn't going to ruin Jose's night by bringing our problems here.

"Jose everything looks amazing, I'm so proud of you."

I heard Christian exhale loudly next to my but I carried on. I was proud of my best friend.

"Thanks Nannie. Listen there's something I need to tell you…"

"Excuse me Mr Rodrigues but there are a few people you need to meet."

A lady who looked like an agent of some sort interrupted us. She noticed Christian standing next to me and blushed, her eyes immediately looking away to hide her embarrassment. _Yep, that's the effect he has on all of us_ I thought.

"Sure I'll be just a minute." Jose said as he looked at me really nervously.

"I'm sorry this really can't wait, there's a reporter and photographer wanting to speak to you."

"Ok." He said reluctantly and turned away her. "I'll catch up with you," he said before leaving completely.

I looked at Christian and he was seething, his mouth in a grim line and his jaw set tight. His hands were clenched in fists and he looked to be counting back the numbers to calm himself down.

"Christian."

My voice must have startled him because his head jerked in my direction. I felt myself retreat into myself under his intense stare and lost the confidence in my voice.

"Have I done something wrong?" I asked, my voice low and wavering. He looked at me and I thought I saw his eyes soften ever so slightly before he exhaled.

"No."

"No?" I asked. His tone was still off and I could sense something was wrong but he wouldn't let me in. I sighed again as the tears threatened to emerge and walked away, refusing to breakdown here.

"I'm going to look around," I said and walked to the back of the gallery. I looked at the people and the portraits, not taking in any of them. Christian hadn't followed me and I was getting more antsy, more afraid of what was going to happen. I had let him in, I had given him my virginity. He couldn't just walk away, that couldn't be all he wanted…

Just as my thoughts were starting to convince me that I was about to get dumped, I found myself locked in place at the portraits before me. Whilst the rest of them had been of landscapes, the wall opposite me showcased hundreds of little images, all of me.

I gasped, my feet somehow carrying me forward so I could get a closer look. There were seven canvasses hung up, each with little images of me thrown together to make a collage except one. They all captured a different expression of mine, one with me sitting deep in thought, one with me looking upset, one with my laughing, and a few others as well as the largest one. It was of me, staring into the camera looking completely serene, happy and carefree.

I turned around to find Jose and saw him see me, his eyes apologetic as he tried to lose the people around him. I looked back at the wall and found tears in my eyes, I didn't even know he had taken so many pictures of me. I looked back at the collage of me laughing and saw pictures of myself from when I was young. I couldn't have been more than a year old in the youngest picture, with the oldest taken on what looked like my 17th birthday. I carried on walking and looked at the one with me looking upset and found that they were all recent images taken in the last few years. It registered in my mind that this is how people have seen me. This is how I have appeared to the outside world over the course of my life, and the change in me after my parents died is shocking.

"I hope you're not upset."

I jumped at Jose's voice next to me and nodded at him, tears in my eyes.

"I'm not." I whispered.

"These are my best ones," he said, and gave me a small smile.

"Why?"

"Because you can know everything about you from your eyes. See this one?" He pointed to the collage where I was laughing and happy and specifically to one picture on the wall.

"Mmmhmm"

"That was taken the day of your graduation. High school graduation. See how your eyes just light up?"

I looked closely and saw that I was really happy. I remembered that moment, it was when I had just got my certificate and was walking to my parents.

"And this one?"

Jose pointed to the one where I was in deep in reflection and again to one specific image.

"This is what you look like when you read, or when something is bothering you. But this particular one, this is what you look like when you read about Mr Darcy. Your eyes show that you clearly love him."

I giggled at Jose as he laughed and move along to the next one.

"And this one…" he said, his voice low and filled with emotion "…this one where you're upset, most of these are from after you lost your parents. Except a few. This is when I left for uni."

Again I laughed at him.

"These ones are more recent though, like these…" he pointed to the ones in the top right hand corner "…these ones have been taken during graduation or when I saw you on that Friday I came over. You look sad in these, but when you look at graduation, your eyes are sparking again, can you see?" he asked softly

I looked at the images and I could tell what he meant. I felt a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulder that day by going, by speaking to my parents beforehand with my locket in tow. It was the same locked I was clutching on to now.

"How did you get that done so quick?" I asked, seeing as graduation was just three days ago. He laughed at me.

"I had done the rest, I just couldn't resist making a last minute change."

"I didn't even know you took all these pictures. I mean I knew when we were kids you wouldn't let go of your camera but I didn't think you would carry on."

He looked at me, trying to figure out if I was upset or not but continued when he realised I wasn't.

"I didn't mean to but after a while it just became a thing, like a tradition. Then when I saw the pictures I knew I had to do something like this. Are you mad I didn't tell you?"

"No" I nodded, "though I want a percentage of the profits seeing as you did this without telling me." I quipped.

"Sure," he laughed.

"When did you take this?" I asked, pointing to the last portrait.

"I genuinely don't know, but you looked so -"

"Beautiful"

I heard Christian's rich baritone voice behind me and shivered. I felt him walk towards me and stop by my side to look at the portrait.

"You look beautiful," he said, and he looked at me with a face full of remorse. I blushed and looked down.

"Ana I uhm, can I talk to you for a minute?" Jose asked. I looked at him then at Christian who returned to his angry stance and nodded.

"I'll be back," I said to Christian and walked with Jose. When we far enough, Jose stopped and looked at me, no trace of humour in his face.

"Ana, I don't like him."

What?

"Don't look at me like that, I saw the way he looked at me when we walked in, he was ready to kick my ass. And the way you were when you walked in, you weren't happy Ana, I could see it in your face, your whole being."

"Jose" I said, not wanting him to know why I was upset. I didn't clearly understand myself what had happened.

"Don't JOSE me Nannie, the guy looks like the possessive type. I just don't want you to get lost in there somewhere, the guy's intense and you're…you're you."

"I'm me?" I asked, wanting him to explain himself.

"Yes you're you, you're smart, kind, and forgiving and too trusting to put up with his crap. I mean the guy's barely spoken to you the whole evening."

"Jose" I said again, this time my voice was firm. I knew I couldn't account for Christian's behaviour, but the way he looked at me when telling me I was beautiful played on my mind and I knew I needed to give him a chance to explain. After all, he had been patient enough with me.

"We've both got our issues and we're working on it ok. He's helped me so much, you don't even realise. I won't let him railroad me, I promise."

Jose looked at me completely unconvinced but before he had the chance to say what he wanted, the same agent had called him away. He stepped forward and hugged me, kissing me on the forehead.

"I just don't want to see you get hurt. I've seen you open up more and I know it's because of him but I just don't want you to feel like you're tied to him because of it."

"I know, and thank you Jose, for looking out for me."

"That's what best friends are for?" he said, smiling sadly before walking away. I looked in his direction a little confused by the expression on his face. I had never seen it before, it looked like regret, melancholy and hurt all in one. I turned around to walk back to Christian and came to a stop as I crashed into him, causing me to lose my balance and fall to the floor.

"Ana!" Christian called out.

I couldn't help the giggles that came out, giggles that turned into full blown laughter as I lay on the floor. I looked at Christian's face and his concern only tipped me further until I was sure I had an audience.

"Ana, come on,"

I laughed some more and gripped the hand he held out to me and stood up. I dusted the dirt off my dress and looked at Christian, whose expression looked so worried that I laughed even more.

"Ana? Ana what is it?" he chuckled nervously.

"Well my best friend…my best friend is upset…and I don't know why….and the guy I think is my boyfriend…doesn't want anything to do with me." I said between laughs.

My laughs were coming to a stop as I continued.

"He couldn't even wait… a day, a whole day after bedding me…before deciding to drop me." I said, now suddenly sober. "He took what he wanted and then ignored me the whole night - "

"Ana - "

"And the worst part is, I don't even know what I've done wrong!" I said, as my eyes burned with the tears that were just about to flow and my breathing hitched as I tried to hold in a sob.

Not wanting to cause a bigger scene than I already had, I walked away from Christian in a hurry. I needed air, I had to go outside. I found my way to the entrance, ignoring the stares from people and stepped outside. I inhaled deeply, and exhaled. Inhale. Exhale.

There was a cool breeze in the air and I let it wash over my face. I closed my eyes and felt a jacket wrap around my arms. I didn't need to open my eyes to see who it was – I could smell him.

"He likes you,"

"He's my best friend"

"He wants more than that."

I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. He looked at me warily, possessively, shyly as he awaited my response.

"Of course he doesn't, he's like a brother to me."

"It's means more to him"

"Like I mean more to you?" I snapped.

"Ana."

"What? Christian, what? I get that you haven't done the girlfriend thing but I just said I wanted to see you more. I didn't ask for…for a ring on my finger and to move in and live happily ever after, though I quite like the idea of happily ever after. I just meant more dates, more things like the dancing."

I sighed.

"Hearts and flowers?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I mean not all the time, I want you to be yourself too. I liked your um…kink."

"Kink?" he asked, amused. I blushed in spite of myself and giggled.

"I hate it when you do that?"

"What?"

"You point out the most random word and make me laugh at you when I'm mad at your for being an arse"

"An arse?"

"Yes, an arse"

"Arse?"

"Yes arse!" I laughed, and jabbed him in the arm. He laughed with me, and it was a beautiful carefree laugh.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I know what you said before Ana, about how amazing you think I am but I'm truly not. I just wish I could make you see the extent of my depravity, my cold-heartedness."

When I looked up into Christian's eyes, I saw nothing but a lost soul, sadness emanating from him as his head hung low. He needed saving just like me. I reached up and cupped his cheek and he sighed as he rested he head against it.

"I know you believe that about yourself, but I wish you would just tell me what you're thinking instead of shutting me out. I thought you didn't want me anymore." I whispered the last part.

"Ana." he groaned. "I want you, so badly."

I felt my heart pick up at his words, understanding exactly how he wanted me as his lips brushed against mine.

"I don't want you just to want me, I want you to see me too. And I want to do the same for you" I breathed, and waited for my response.

"I like seeing you. You're mine." he murmured, and kissed me slowly, sensually like he had on our first date.

"I like seeing you too" I uttered after the kiss ended, completely flustered and wanting him.

"Wanna go back in?"

I nodded no at him shyly and saw his eyebrows quick up before his expression darkened. He called for a car as I texted Kate and Jose and held his hand out to me.

"Come."

I took it, and he led me away.


	15. Chapter fifteen: Grey

Hi all,

It seems we have a split camp with this story. Most of you like it and have been supportive but for a few people who have PM'd me, I'm a disgrace to the FSOG community with my pathetic attempt at a story. I can't say that I'm not a little upset by it, especially since the messages were not respectful in anyway but then hey, that's life. If I've offended or upset anyone by my story then I'm truly sorry. I'm writing what I think is right, and I know some people will not like the whole story but it's not even complete.

If you don't like it, don't read it.

This is my first story and to be honest, I'm just writing because I love writing. Thanks to everyone for all their views and reviews, good or bad.

And sorry again for taking a long time to post a new chapter.

x ImTrying

* * *

**Chapter fifteen: Grey**

Waking up in Christian's arms meant I was once again very hot. He flew us back to Escala in his helicopter and it didn't take long before we were in his bedroom. I blushed as the memories flooded back into my mind and wondered if there was ever going to be a time where I wouldn't shy away at the thought of sex. Christian had teased me beyond words last night. The slow, sensual torture as he kissed every inch of me with my wrists tied to the bedpost was like nothing I had ever felt before. Nothing with Christian was like anything I had felt before.

I climbed out of the bed very carefully and freshened up in the bathroom before making my way to make breakfast. Christian was still fast asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake him. It was funny how well he knew me already, especially my body. He seemed to know the right things to say and despite his best efforts, he kept coming back to me. I don't know what I had said to him last night to make him run away from me but I was going to ask him. I hated the thought that he would be upset with me, or that I would be the cause of his fears in the same way my parents leaving were the cause of mine.

"Good morning" Christian whispered in my ear as I finished plating up. I had made omelette with orange juice and some toast.

"Morning" I whispered.

Christian planted soft kisses down the side of my neck and I instinctively tilted my head to grant him better access. His right hand circled my waist as the left moved my hair out of his way. He continued to kiss me, very softly before inhaling in the scent of my hair.

"Mmmm I love the way you smell,"

"Mmmhmm," I replied as he kissed the sensitive spot under my ear. His right hand inched upwards towards my breast and he gently pressed over the nipple with his thumb. I gasped at the sensation and before I had a moment to think, was sharply spun around and met with Christian's fierce lips. He dominated my lips for a moment before releasing me from his hold, leaving me feeling bereft and completely turned on. He simply smirked and walked casually to the stool.

"What's for breakfast?"

And that was when I really saw him. His torso was on display for me to see, his chest, his nipples, the definition of his abdominals, the lines above his hips and the v leading to his…

"Ana?"

"Huh…what?" I said, trying to force my brain to function again. I had blatantly been caught staring at him but I couldn't stop. I snapped out of it and looked to see his smug expression and hid behind my hands.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I blushed furiously and turned around again to pick up the plates. I walked over to Christian and sat down next to him, not making eye contact with him. I could feel his gaze on mine but said nothing.

"This looks good, thank you," he said sincerely.

"You're welcome," I sighed, still avoiding looking at him.

"Ana?"

"Yes?" I said, stealing a glance at his face before returning to my breakfast.

"I'm truly sorry about how I treated you yesterday."

My eyes immediately turned to his face as he uttered those words. He could see the surprised expression on my face and laughed humourlessly before continuing.

"It wasn't fair on you."

"Why?" I gasped.

"I have my own issues, which I haven't told anyone. Well except maybe two people but…I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"I didn't know what I had done wrong." I admitted quietly.

I felt Christian's finger on my chin as he tilted my head. I was looking directly into his eyes before he continued.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I will run from time to time but it isn't ever because of you. Well not directly."

"You're being vague,"

"I know," he sighed. "But I'm working on it." He implored me to understand, to give my forgiveness and accept his issues.

"You already said sorry yesterday."

"I know, I just want to make sure you know I mean it."

"I do."

And I did. I did believe him. In some weird way, I knew he cared for me more than he had ever allowed himself to care for someone. It was perhaps this reason that I wasn't running away myself.

"Christian, you've um…you did this before," I whispered as I tried to keep my focus. His eyebrows shot up in surprise and confusion as he considered what I said.

"Done what?"

"Left me without a word. What did I say yesterday that freaked you out?"

Christian stared at me for what seems like ages. He didn't say anything and I could feel myself shrinking in my seat. He inhaled deeply before he answered.

"You said you wanted to see more,"

"You're afraid to - "

"Anastasia Rose Steele!"

Christian looked behind me in the direction of the screaming voice. I turned around and saw Kate come rushing towards us, Elliot walking behind her. I stopped to look at her and could tell she wasn't happy with me, the look evident on her face as she looked at Christian's hand on mine.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Um, having breakfast with Christian," I replied a little hesitantly.

She didn't look happy and I could tell Christian's stance had changed too. He was more upright, intimidating as he looked at Kate. She looked at him in a look of disgust then fixed her gaze on me.

"After the way he treated you last night?"

"Kate, can we talk about this some other time?" I pleaded, noticing Christian tense next to me. Elliot just stood there looking completely out of his element. Just then, Taylor walked in to apologise for the intrusion and tossed Christian a shirt. Christian put it on and dismissed Taylor.

"Ana we're talking about this now. And you!" she pointed at Christian, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

I looked at Christian who I could tell was keeping his anger in check. I looked back to Kate and Elliot and suddenly remembered Elliot's look at me during breakfast, the emotions as Christian joked with him. He had a similar look on his face now, though it was tinged with a hint of sadness as he no doubt sensed the tension in the helicopter the night before.

"Kate I don't think she - " Christian started.

"Cut the crap Grey, I don't know what you've said to her but you treated her like shit last night, and I don't appreciate that."

"Kate come on maybe it's not our place - "

Kate turned around and looked at Elliot, her face fuming as she held her finger up at him.

"Don't even think about it, what if it was a guy treating your sister like the way your _brother_ has treated Ana?"

"Erm, I'm right here Kate." I said, my voice really small.

"Yes, though it seems like you've temporarily lost your mind so I'm going to find it for you, ok?" she said, her voice dripping with anger and sarcasm.

"Look why don't we all go to the lounge, we can sit down and you can talk." Christian suggested.

I looked at him and wondered what emotions were playing on his mind. He looked back at me, his expression impassive yet his eyes betraying him. He looked sorry, angry and scared at the same time.

"Ok" I agreed.

We all walked to the main lounge area, Kate making sure she sat next to me sat in awkward silence. Christian sat on the other side, causing Kate to stand up in a huff and pace up and down the side of the couch.

"Okaaay, not that this isn't a _great_ conversation, but I don't know why I'm here so someone spill," Elliot said.

Kate stopped pacing and placed her hands on her hips. She looked at Christian and me and I could tell she really wanted to say something. Christian must have sensed the same thing as he shifted in his seat and placed his hand on mine.

"Katherine if there is something you want to say to me then I want you to tell me now," he said, his voice stern.

I didn't know what she was going to say, but I knew she wasn't going to be nice about it. I get that she was upset about me wanting to go with Christian after the way he treated me last night but I forgave him for that, and it was really my choice to do that.

"Fine. I don't like the way you treated my friend Grey. You had your tongue down her throat in the morning and then come evening you won't say two words to her. She was panicking and going crazy wondering what she'd done wrong, she was close to tears and you couldn't give two fucks. Then when things are hunky dory for you, you think a sorry here and there, some what, sweet words? You think that's enough for her to forgive you and just whisk her away from her friends?!"

"Kate" Elliot said under his breath.

"What?!"

"Calm down"

"Calm down? I am fucking fuming I'm not going to calm down!"

"Enough!"

I had never heard Elliot take that tone before, and I couldn't help but wonder how the situation had come to this. He looked at Kate who recoiled somewhat and then to me and Christian. I stole quick glances at him during the whole thing and could tell that he was upset for having upset me. I gave him a shy smile and looked at the hands that were now firmly in my lap, fidgeting as I wondered what to say.

"Ana, are you alright?" Elliot asked me. Christian put his hand over mine to stop it from moving and I held on to it, the gesture giving him some reassurance that I was ok.

"I'm fine." I said, my voice quiet.

"I know Christian was an ass tonight…" I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my throat as I looked at him and then at Christian who was throwing daggers at his brother. He turned to look at me when he heard my giggle and smiled.

"Actually I said he was an arse,"

Kate snorted and Elliot laughed as I said that, with Christian rolling his eyes. I tilted my head and cocked my eyebrow at him as if to ask why he could roll his eyes and he just smirked at me.

"I know he was an _arse_ tonight, it's in his nature. He's been an arse for a few years now"

"What's your point Elliot?" Christian said, through gritted teeth.

"Nothing, just that you're an arse,"

I laughed at him and was grateful that he was here, able to inject some humour into what was otherwise a weird experience. I looked at Kate who was still looking at me, worrying yet what looked like disappointed. The only other time Kate was disappointed with me was when I didn't tell her about Christian and I hated that feeling.

"Kate I'm really fine, he apologised and we're ok."

"Ana, you're just going to let him do what he wants with you, no matter how many times he treats you like shit?"

I felt Christian tense next to me at the words, his grip on my hand tightening.

"Kate! He's been so good to me…"

Kate snorted again and received a glare from Christian.

"Oh save it Grey, it's not going to work on me. Ana are you forgetting what happened on your first date when you came home crying? Or the day after graduation when he just ignored you? And yesterday when you said, 'I don't even know what I said to him' and he didn't speak to you the whole night?"

"I don't blame him for that." I said, my voice rising a little.

I could see Elliot shake his head in the corner of my eye, looking at Christian and glaring at him for having hurt me. I remembered he was on the phone to Kate that first night when I cried so he knew about that at least. He had warned Christian not to hurt me.

"Why not? He's made you cry more in a month than you have in the three years I've known you."

"He's made me feel at least, at least I'm not numb anymore!"

"So you'd rather be trampled on then feel numb?"

"No, but it's not that simple!"

"How, how is it not that simple?" she said, her voice rising to match mine.

"Because he's just like me!"

We were all suddenly quiet at my statement, so quiet that I was sure they could hear my heart pounding in my chest. I dropped my gaze and exhaled deeply at my own revelation.

"I'm nothing like you baby," Christian said softly, shifting so he could look at me. "You're so beautiful, so kind and so forgiving. I don't deserve your forgiveness after the way I've treated you but you give it to me any way. You're smart and intelligent…" he sighed.

He cupped my cheeks with both of his hands and I felt the emotions surface as a tear spilled over on to them. I cut him off just as he was about to continue.

"You know what it's like to feel alone, Christian. To feel scared at trying something new because you don't know if it's going to hurt you even more. You pull yourself away from people because they're going to leave you anyway, no matter how much you love them. But…" I gulped "…you helped me face a few of my fears and were there for me even though you were scared. And even though I believe I wasn't good enough for you, that you were pushing me away because of something I had done wrong, a small part of me knew you did it because you were just as scared as I was. And I hoped that I could be the one to help you overcome some of your fears, just like you have mine."

I felt all eyes on me but focussed solely on Christian's. I hadn't ever spoken my thoughts out loud before so I wasn't sure what reaction I would get. Christian looked at me and at the tears that were flowing down my cheeks and leaned forward to kiss them away. He moved from my cheeks to my eyes, my forehead then my nose, planting soft kisses everywhere he could reach. He ended by placing a chaste kiss on my lips then pulled away. He exhaled deeply when he finished, turning to look at Kate and Elliot who looked every bit as emotional as us.

"That's why you put up with me, because you think I'll leave you?"

"Yes. You told me not to run away from you yet you run away from me all the time."

"Why do you want me to stay after how I've treated you?"

"Because I don't feel like I have to try with you. When you're with me, it's like I can function normally again, like I'm just a girl who likes a guy and that's it." I closed my eyes, trying to halt the tears that were going to spill. "I never thought I'd go graduation but I did because of you, because you were there with me. But when you pull away, I blame myself for doing something wrong because it's always after we've done something, or after I've said something so I think 'how could it not be because of me?'"

Christian gave me a chaste kiss on the lips and brushed the tears off my cheers again.

"Did you cry because of me?" he asked softly, cupping my cheeks again. He rubbed circles over them with both thumbs to comfort me. I had never seen him so sad.

"Yes" I whispered.

"When?" he asked, sounding pained.

"The day you came to the bookstore and kissed me outside the restaurant, I went home and cried."

"And…" he gulped "…after that as well?"

"After graduation," I whispered. "You make me really happy but scare me at the same time."

"Scare you?" he asked horrified.

"No," I said, trying to nod with his hands on my face. "I didn't mean it like that. I like you and I'm scared you'll have your fill of me and just toss me out."

"That's how you've felt, when I've ignored you?"

"Yeah" I whimpered. "You walk away so easily that I think you really are sick of me and that I couldn't possible mean much to you, and you confirm that I'm not worthy of you but I'm so happy when you come back to me that I forget what you do before."

"I'm so sorry baby, I would never intentionally wish that on anyone."

Memories of Christian's childhood story came into my mind at that point. He knew what it was like to feel afraid, to want to let someone go before they had the chance to leave because at least that way, you could protect yourself.

"I know."

"That still doesn't excuse his behaviour, he could just talk to you." Kate said, reminding us that they were still there. Elliot sighed next to her, though I could see from the way he looked at us that he was surprised at his brother's behaviour. I knew he didn't do the girlfriend thing, but I didn't think he'd be so cut off from his family that this behaviour is shocking to him.

"You're right,"

We all looked to Christian who looked at Kate and then at me.

"She's right, I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. I'm so sorry for making you cry baby, I'm sorry for how I've treated you tonight and in the past."

"It's ok," I said.

"No, it's not. You're lucky you've got someone like Kate watching out for you. I told you before this is new to me and it's no excuse but I will try. I want to try."

I frowned.

"What is it?" Christian asked.

I looked down at my fingers and wondered how to ask him the one question that was on my mind.

"Why do you run?" I asked, willing him to look at me. Christian inhaled sharply as I said that and I saw his jaw lock in tight. He understood the heart of my fears, that if he was to run away, it would break me. I wanted to know his.

"Ana, please."

I saw him look at Kate and Elliot and then down at the table.

"What did I say yesterday to make you pull away from me? Because I wanted to see more of you?"

I persisted in trying to get him open up to me but didn't succeed. I could see him shut down even more and felt myself get frustrated.

"Christian tell her," Elliot prompted. Christian's eyes shot up to Elliot's who was now pleading with his brother to say something. I could see the emotion in Elliot's eyes as he looked to me with a small smile. Christian stared at his brother for what seemed like ages, silently begging him for support.

"It'll be fine, I promise. Kate and I will go to the other room."

I had never seen Elliot so sombre as he did just then. Kate looked at me in confusion and I shrugged a little as if to say I don't know what was happening. Christian was still sat next to me, almost statue-like and I started to grow afraid of what was coming. When Kate and Elliot had left, I said the first thing that came into my head.

"You have your family looking out for you too you know, Elliot especially,"

"When he's not calling me an arse you mean." He mused half-heartedly.

"Well, I called you an arse, I still like you."

"Is that right?"

"Yep, and you're probably still going to be an arse at times but as long as you don't ignore me or leave me, I'm ok with that. Just tell me 'I'm having an arsy moment' and I'll let you sort your head out."

He laughed at me in spite of himself and I could see him coming back to me.

"You're coming back to me."

"Ana I uh…"

Christian sighed and then turned to me, pulling me into his lap so that I was straddling him. His eyes looked into mine before his head dropped and he started to trace patterns on my thighs.

"I don't know what I'm doing" he said quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"This, you, us. I don't know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling or if I'm even allowed to feel this way."

"What way?"

"I like seeing you Ana, so much!" Christian said it was such force that I couldn't help but believe him.

"I know you do, I like seeing you too."

"But you shouldn't, that's the problem!"

"Why? Why shouldn't I do that?" I asked, getting frustrated at him.

"You don't know my issues Ana, you won't be saying that if you found out the truth."

"Tell me" I implored, "take the plunge with me please."

"Ana, me being a Dom is all I've ever been taught and I don't know how to be any other way."

"But you've told me that already, and I thought you knew that what we had was different."

"Ana," he sighed. "I've been in the BDSM lifestyle since I was 15."

"15?!" I shouted.

"Shh Ana," he reprimanded me for shouting so loud.

"Sorry, but 15, you were just a kid!"

"I know" he whispered. I looked at his face and saw the upset there, the fear and the anguish. More than anything, he looked like he was going to cry and I felt myself panic at the sight.

"Christian please tell me what's wrong."

"I lost my virginity to a family friend at 15, the same friend who leant me the money for my business. I was her sub for 5 years then she was mine for a year before I started to find my own subs."

Christian took a break and looked up at me to see if I was still paying attention.

"She taught me that love was for fools, that affection and sentiment were a load of shit. She taught me to be a Dom to control myself, control my emotions and to lock myself away." Christian's voice broke a little as he continued. "At the time I accepted it because I was a rowdy teen and I couldn't handle touch in any way. She showed me touch in a way that was acceptable."

"Because of your scars?" I asked.

"Yes. I couldn't handle being touched there until I met you." He half-smiled at me and then retreated into himself again.

"Christian?"

"She took me away from my family, telling me that I wasn't worthy of their love because if my own birth mother couldn't love me, how could anyone else. She said if I told them about the lifestyle it would be like the nail in the coffin, that they would truly leave me so I kept it quiet. I kept my submissives secret and didn't allow them to get close to me so that I could move on quickly if my family ever came close to finding out."

I sat there in his lap with tears pooling my eyes.

"Is this why Elliot kept looking at me weirdly all day? He knows?"

"Yes. And he hasn't seen me with anyone before. And he hasn't seen me so happy before, neither has my family. It's all because of you."

"And the submissives, you don't let them see you?"

"No, they never have. That's why I like the control, so I can make sure that everything happens the way I want it to. No one sees me and I don't see them."

"You must be so lonely," I whispered.

Christian looked into my eyes and I could have sworn he knew every single thought I had ever had. It was like all the barriers had been removed and he was now talking to me wholly.

"It was,"

"But why do you then run away?"

"Because I can still hear her in my head, telling me that I'm going to fuck it up. I can still hear her saying I'm a worthless piece of shit and I can still see her fucking standing there telling me that I should lock away any emotion I have. I have to control my emotion as much as everything else. And all these years I've listened until I met you."

Christians hands were fisted at his side as he took deep breaths to calm his anger. I could feel my own heart breaking for him, wanting to destroy the woman who had done this to him.

"The stupid bitch is dead and still she has a hold over me and I can't get rid of her. I didn't want any of it, I didn't ask for it. I hated what she did, I hated it Ana I swear it." Christian cried. "I get my happiness from you and she takes it away by invading my thoughts so I run, trying to get her out until I can find my way back to you again. I want to see you and only you!"

I couldn't help the sobs that escaped as I looked at Christian. His fists were locked tight by his sides and I could see the fury radiating off of him. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, hoping that my embrace would provide him with the reassurance he needed. He held on to me and exhaled deeply into the crook of my neck. His breathing was harsh and his hold almost painful. I moved to cup his cheeks. I planted a small kiss on his lips and then his eyes, nose, cheeks and chin before planting another on his lips again. He kissed me with desperation, my tears meeting at the junction of our lips as we sought comfort in each other.

"How do you find your way back?" I whispered after pulling back, my forehead still touching his.

"What?"

"To me. How do you come back to me after you run?"

"I don't know,"

"Ok"

I leaned back and stared into Christian's eyes. That act alone would have scared me a month ago but sitting in his lap then and listening to him, I couldn't think of anything better to show I wasn't running. I knew he hadn't told me the whole story, and that was ok with me. He had placed his trust in me like I had in him and that provided me with a sense of comfort, of warmth and understanding that I wasn't alone in my fears.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Christian replied, looking at me warily.

"It's nothing bad I promise, and you don't have to answer until you're ready."

That statement seemed to make him put his guard up even more.

"Why do you still do the BDSM stuff if you didn't like it?"

Christian sighed and then held on to my hands before responding.

"I liked the control it gave me. I could get my release without exposing myself and without having anyone touch me. But after a while it er…it was the only thing that would arouse me. I couldn't get off on anything else."

"That's why you were shocked at graduation?"

"Yes, as well as me losing control, I lost control at the most simplest of touches. It was because of you."

I smiled shyly at Christian and he laughed at the blush in my cheeks.

"I love it when you cheeks turn pink," he smirked, proud of the double meaning of his words. I moved to jab him in the arm but he was too quick and grabbed my wrist before I got the chance. He pulled me towards him and kissed me, his tongue teasing my lips before he grazed his teach over my jaw. He moved back to my lips, sucking the bottom one before capturing it in his teeth as he does. Not wanting to stop, I leaned forward, feeling completely wet and turned on, and pressed my chest against his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, moaning as his hands found their way to my butt and pulled me into him. He groaned when I felt his erection under me and released my lips.

"What are you doing to me Ana?" he asked breathlessly.

"Same thing you're doing to me," I smiled. "Christian?"

"Yes baby?"

"I still like seeing you, and I would still like to see more"

Christian looked at me and I wondered whether I had pushed him too far with my words. I understood him better now, and if he were to run again at least I would know why. He didn't say anything for a while though I could tell that he didn't shut himself off like he did last night.

"Ana," he exhaled. "I like seeing you too. And I'm sorry for running away."

"It's ok. We took the plunge together remember?" I said, referring to my plea the day after I witnessed the car crash. The memory brought forth another thought.

"Yes, I remember."

"Christian I envy you,"

"What? Why Ana? I'm a broken man."

"No you're not. You're a little lost but you're not broken. But you don't realise how lucky you are. You've shut yourself away from people like I have but you've shut yourself off from people who love you. I saw the way your mum looked at you, and the way Elliot looks at the way you are with me, he's bursting with pride. If I had that…if my family was still here, I wouldn't isolate myself. I would spend every day loving them and letting them love me." I whispered the last part.

"I'm sorry baby," Christian said in understanding at my loss. I observed his facial features, his expression and found my words were sinking in.

"I know," I smiled.

He smiled back and wrapped his arms around my back as I lifted mine to hug his neck. I kissed him again briefly before inhaling his musky scent.

"Mmm, I love the way you smell."

I could feel his chest move as he chuckled at my words.

"Little Annie! Trying to seduce my brother!"

I looked back in horror as Elliot and Kate walked into the room.

"Huh, what?"

"Telling him you love the way he smells would have been fine but the moan at the beginning, shit Ana!"

I blushed furiously as he burst out laughing. Kate didn't look impressed but struggled to keep a straight face when she saw my reaction. She looked me in the eye and asked if I was alright.

"I'm fine."

"Can I talk to you for a minute? Please?"

"Sure" I said. I turned to kiss Christian once more then followed Kate into Christian's bedroom. I didn't have a chance to stop walking before she turned around and faced me.

"Ana, please don't take this the wrong way because I love you like a sister, but you're too forgiving, and too naïve for your own good."

"Kate he said he was sorry and I believe him. I have told him about myself and I was ready for that. He's told me bits about himself which he hasn't told anyone else before either and I understand him a little better now."

She was getting exasperated.

"I get that Ana, I really do. And I know you have your issues but the way he treated you last night, you were so upset Ana, hell I was upset with you!"

"What am I supposed to do, dwell on it and make myself feel worse?"

"No! But that's what I mean. This whole thing is new to you. I mean you can come to me and ask me if you want but don't just give in quickly because you think that's what you should do, or what he wants. - "

"He doesn't - "

"Can it Steele, I'm still talking." I laughed at her. "Look, I know you didn't get any advice from an older sibling or anything, but like I said to you before you need to talk to the guy. If something is upsetting him, don't jump to conclusions. And if you're upset, wait until you've spoken to him and got an answer as to why he was upset before you jump back into bed with him."

"Kate!"

We both laughed, even though Kate's was a little forced. That is exactly what I had planned to do when we left the gallery.

"Ana you lost your virginity 2 days ago. He's hot, I know you're affected by him ok and you're gonna crave a lot more now. Just don't let him use it to distract you ok? And don't get distracted yourself!"

"Ok." I said, feeling like I had just been given a pep talk. She was right, I didn't have any siblings, or parents to teach me these things and for a brief moment, I wondered if I was going to feel this wave of nausea every time I realised they wouldn't be there.

I felt Kate's arms wrap around me in a hug and I hugged her back.

"I'm glad you're trusting him Ana, even though he can be a dick but please trust yourself. Trust your instincts and follow them through. I can see he's brought you out of your shell but I'd hate to see you go back into just because you gave him too much too soon."

"I know," I said as I sat on the bed. She followed and sat next to me. "I know you think I give into him too quickly but I can't help it. I feel connected to him and even when he runs, I feel like I understand him."

"But your fears and his fears are different, you can't use your own insecurities to justify his treatment of you while he deals with his."

"I guess. I just…it's taken a lot for me to trust him and I know I seem weak just pining after him - "

"You're not weak Ana. If anything I'd say you're stronger than me. It's easy for me to be with Elliot but for you, I knew it would be hard to do something like this and you've been doing fine. Just promise to come to me if you wanna talk ok?"

"Ok. Thanks Kate." I said. I was so very grateful for her that I hugged her again.

"What was that for?" she laughed.

"Just, being there."

"Of course, we love you babe, just like the Grey's will love you."

"What?" I asked, feeling confused. How would the Grey's love me, when was I going to see them? Were they going to come to here or was I going to their house?

"Ana calm down, I can see the panic in your face. Christian said his mom invited you over for lunch today."

"Shit!"

"Ana Steele! Did you just swear?" Kate laughed.

"Kate it's Sunday, she told us to come Sunday!"

"I know, I'm going to too!"

Kate couldn't control her laughter at my reaction. I laughed and poked her in the stomach.

"Stop it! How am I meant to meet his family, I look a mess for starters and isn't this a big step? Wait a minute you're going too, you're meeting Elliot's parents?"

"Yes, they have the same parents"

"That's not what I meant! It's a big step for you isn't it?"

"Yeah," she smiled shyly, "I really like him Ana."

"Yeah, I can tell," I smiled back. "When do we have to be there?"

"Couple of hours. Come on I'll ask Elliot to take us back and we can get ready."

We walked out of the bedroom and saw Elliot and Christian involved in a deep conversation on the couch. Elliot didn't look happy and was speaking harshly to Christian who was keeping his anger in check.

"Don't you think I know that?!" Christian half shouted. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and looked in my direction. He walked over to me and hugged me firmly before returning to look at Elliot. "Consider it done."

Elliot nodded and wrapped his arms around Kate. She giggled as he whispered something in her ear and I looked away to leave them to their moment. I looked up at Christian who was eyeing me carefully,

"I would love to know what goes on in that mind of yours."

"They just had a private moment, I didn't want to intrude by watching."

I turned to face him completely and stepped on my toes to kiss him. He leaned down and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling back.

"My mom invited us to lunch today."

"I know," I sighed. "Are you sure you want me to go, I mean I don't have to. It is really quick and I mean it's meeting your family and what if they don't like me? Oh my gosh they might not like me. That's ok I mean you'll still like me right, wait no, they're you're family you should stick with your family you should…"

I stopped my rambling to find Christian grinning at me.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said, still grinning. He leaned down and kissed me with more passion this time. "You'll be fine."

"Wait, you're not nervous?"

"Nope." He replied immediately. "You've already met Elliot and mom. That's half of my family you know. I think you'll do a runner when you meet Mia though, she's doesn't shut up."

I laughed nervously. "You're serious?"

"Of course baby, it'll be another first."

"Yeah, like that helps" I snorted. He didn't laugh, just looked at me seriously.

"Ana, I hate that I made you cry, and made you fear that I would leave you. I want to prove to you that I am trying. Let me make it up to you."

"This is a big step." I whispered.

"I think it's time I introduced my girlfriend to my family don't you?"

"If you want to."

"I want to. I kept my submissives secret in case my family were ashamed of me if they found out Ana. I could get rid of them easily that way. You're not my submissive, nor would I ever want you to be."

"Really?" I asked, wanting reassurance.

"Really. It's my apology too. If you meet my family you'll see I don't want to toss you away like you think, and despite my running, I'll come back to you. I won't run away."

"Neither will I." I said.

This had moved so fast, yet I was elated at Christian's revelation. He wanted me, and I wanted him. And in this moment, that's all that mattered.

"Ana we should go back." Kate said.

"Katherine, must you ruin every moment I have with my girlfriend?" Christian said feigning annoyance as he winked at me. I felt my heart flutter and leaned into his chest, resting my forehead just near his heart.

"Whatever Grey, you're lucky she forgave you. Next time I'll have your balls on a platter if you pull that shit again."

"I won't" he said, looking at her squarely in the eye.

"That's settled then."

I collected my things and after a lot of discussion, Christian agreed to let me go with Elliot to our apartment. I kissed him goodbye and got ready with Kate. Since the weather was nice, I wore a light blue summer dress with a black jacket and braided my hair once again. I knew Christian liked it and truth be told, wanted to affect him just as much as he affected me. It wasn't long before the doorbell rang and both brothers were stood waiting for us.

"Hi," I said, giving Christian the once over. Elliot couldn't stop laughing.

"You're definitely not shy are you Ana, eye-fucking my brother."

My eyes popped widened as bit my lip and I blushed the deepest shade of red at Elliot's words. Christian growled playfully at his brother then stepped forward to take my hand.

"You look beautiful," he said, and then leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. My lips parted and my breath hitched as he moved to whisper something in my ear.

"And if you keep biting that lip I'm going to be doing more than just eye-fucking you."

I gasped and felt my heart race as desire raced through me. I could feel the wetness between my legs at just his words and wondered why I thought I could have one up on him by simply braiding my hair. He completely owned me.

Kate walked up behind me and had a similar reaction to Elliot as I did Christian. I giggled at the two of them and saw Elliot smirk and wink at me before he dipped in to pick up Kate from her waist and spin her around. She squealed then kissed him hard as he lowered he back on to the floor. They walked back to the car and left me and Christian standing there.

"Shall we?" he asked, holding his hand out and smiling at me. I looked at him and nodded before placing my hand in his. I was about to meet his parents for the first time and somehow, it felt right.

"We shall" I smiled.


End file.
